hi everyone
its been about a month since i posted ..my husband has had to come off the chemo tablets for a few days as the side effects were really bad and he was either being very sick or sat on the toilet
hes lost weight and on the recommendations of the oncology team hes been having ensure shakes and complan in between trying to eat sandwiches or soup
hes having a scan tomorrow to see whats happening ..if the chemo tablets have held the cancer at bay so far
its been very stressful for him and me as we are both trying to cope with life as it is at the moment
hes restarting the tablets again tomorrow after his scan and seeing the consultant next week when hopefully we will know more
hes told me that he doesnt think he will be here for christmas ...hes hoping but not counting on it so thats something else to deal with
when he was prescribed the chemo tablets he was told it could give him another 3 -6 months ...but we werent sure what the doctor said so we just carried on
but i hate seeing my husband fade away in front of me like this knowing theres nothing i can do to make him better ,,we dont talk about the end as such because we are trying to take it day by day
the macmillan team have been fantastic and so helpful and i cant thank them enough but at the end of the day theres nothing anyone can do about his cancer
its like being in a waiting room where you are dreading the door opening ..im trying to stay positive as much as i can and we are both aware our time is limited and its scary but at the same time we are both trying to live our lives as much as we can ....
my kids have been fantastic with support ....my husbands family are not so aware of my husbands condition and i wont push him to talk to them about this as he feels its so final and hes not ready to deal with that yet .....
its been very difficult but as long as i can still make him laugh and make his life easier at the moment thats all i care about .
the emotional toll has been huge for me and my husband ..he wont talk about it and i wont make him because its his choice as to whether he talks to his family and so far none of them have asked him or spoken to him ..i think they feel that because hes on chemo tablets he will be ok ....
we were offered a referral tp the palliative team and he refused ...said he wasnt ready yet but i dont think he ever will be .....
its just so ...bleugh at the moment ...im taking an hour everyday to just sit and read in another room while he naps in the afternoon and that helps a lot ....
hes still watching football as much as he can and although im not the biggest fan of football..as long as hes happy im ok with that ...started watching a lot of wildlife programmes and that helps along with bruce lee films and gardening when i can ...
life is so different now than when we got married but thats the nature of cancer ,,,,it takes and never gives back
take care
sarah x
