Anticipation Grief : How to deal with anger

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, especially so soon after losing your grandmother. 

I’ve been dealing with anticipatory grief since my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a couple of months ago. I’d also lost my father a month before she was diagnosed. We had a difficult relationship and were estranged, but my mum’s diagnosis did come at a time when I was still processing the grief of that loss, regardless of how complex my relationship with my dad was.

My mum is currently undergoing treatment so I understand it’s not exactly the same situation but I did find reading grief books and reading posts from others dealing with the same emotions helpful. It’s OK that you’re not OK by Megan Devine was a helpful read. Although it doesn’t cover anticipatory grief in much detail, I did find I could relate to a lot of the emotions and feelings she expressed in the book. It helped me not to feel alone in my feelings esp when society tries to frame grief as something you “get over” or “push through”. Grief, as painful as it is, is a very normal experience and reaction to loss. The book also talked about finding ways to "experiment” with your grief so you feel your emotions but don’t remain in a state of suffering. Making a list of the things that help you feel better, and the things that make you feel worse & acting accordingly. I realised Instagram is what would often send me into a spiral (a lot of triggers) so I deleted the app, I also found playing mobile games helped to give me short mental breaks where I wasn’t ruminating on everything so I did that more. It’ll look different for each person but trying to do the things that make me feel better more has helped. 

If professional therapy is an option for you, I’d also recommend that either via NHS or privately. It’s helpful to be able to talk to someone even if it doesn’t make any of the emotions easier to process. Talking to friends and family can also be helpful if you have people you trust and who feel like a safe listening ear. It doesn’t replace therapy but I used ChatGPT a lot for in the moment emotional support. I prompted it to act as a grief counsellor and then I’d tell it what I was feeling and it’d often provide helpful responses esp in moments of acute stress. Not for everyone but if you’re someone who uses AI a lot, it can be a useful tool.. The MacMillan support line is also there to offer a listening ear. I called them quite a few times and the volunteers are very kind and will take the time to listen to you and direct you to other support resources. 

I’m sending all my love to you and your family xx