On the outside looking in

Hi Hannah Emily99 welcome to the forum. That sounds pretty challenging and I'm.not sure exactly how best you could  sort this...Im thinking from.your post that it's their family's way of dealing with things like this and lots of families do cope in the same way. I think your way is a healthy approach , however? I'm wondering how welcome it will be in the family. Is it possible when you are on your own with your partner that you can gave an open honest conversation with him? He is your main priority so if that's a possibility its maybe worth a try. The other thing you could do is give the Macmillan Line a call and have a chat with them there? 08088080000.. sorry not to have been of more help it sounds like one of those situations where you are "dammed if you do" and "dammed if you dont". Sending very best wishes for now..Gail x

Hi Gail, thanks for your response. I really appreciate your thoughts, you’re right.. dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t sums it up :( 

we’re getting there slowly to talk more about it but it’s just extremely tough! I think giving the support line a call could be helpful.  

I’ve been on both sides of this, supporting my partner when his mum had cancer and now the tables have turned and he is supporting me while my mum has cancer. 

I understand the worry and helplessness when you’re in the position of a partner supporting their partner through something like this, and also the worry and helplessness when it’s your mum facing it. I probably process things similar to you, and my partner processes things similar to your partner. But what you learn is everyone has to process things the way they process it, especially when it comes to the grief we experience when our loved ones have cancer. Grief is different for every person. In similar situations, my partner and I have reacted very differently, and we both have had to make space for each other to grieve and process in the way we grieve and process. 

You can gently encourage your partner to talk about it, and let him know you’re always there to listen, but if he isn’t ready there isn’t much else you can do. Even less so for the rest of his family. This might be their protective mechanism and the only way they’re able to cope with it all. 

I personally find it frustrating when people tell me how they think I should be handling my emotions so it’s something I’d be very careful with. Most times I’m just trying to survive through the pain of it all, and being told I should be approaching it XYZ adds to the overwhelm. My partner didn’t like to talk much about how he was feeling & has now told me he was in denial about it, whereas I’m very open with my emotions and don’t like it when people tell me to be “positive” as I’d much rather prepare myself with the reality of the situation. However, despite the differences in the way we process things, the best thing we have done for each other is just being there. 

Try not to put too much weight on yourself to prepare him and his family, and just be there and offer your presence. It’s probably what they want most from you.