i posted last week about my husbands hospital stays as an emergency and how he was being given radiotherapy ..well he has had 5 treatments to try and stop the bleeding which was being caused by the tumour in his chest ..he had his treatment and so far it has helped to stop the bleeding
we saw his oncologist on friday and have been told that the tumour was in his chest and was caused by his lymph nodes .so at least we know now why the tumour was there....his cancer has progressed and now he wont be going back on the immunotherapy as it isnt working for him ..so his option now is chemotherapy ..but because of the drugs hes been put on by the hospital to help with the problems caused by his tumour he now has to wean himself of the steroids and drug to stop him bleeding before they can consider chemotherapy ..also he has to get more active and get a bit fitter as the hospital stays and drugs have left him weaker before he is considered for chemotherapy ...it honestly feels at the moment that whatever we do its not enough ..i know the oncologist team are doing everything they can to help but the overwhelming feeling is that we are fighting a losing battle
he has an appointment in about 2 weeks to assess if he is going to get chemotherapy ...
also the macmillan nurse has suggested that he should have counselling as she thinks he has ptsd caused by him coughing up so much blood from the tumour that it has traumatised him ...
i honestly thought i was going to lose him last week and ive been functioning but not living ..ie not sleeping or eating properly ,,my kids have been wonderful but it was complicated by my daughter having her gall bladder removed the day my husband came home from hospital ...so back to adrenaline and functioning again !the worst part of all this is seeing my husband struggle to cope with everything ..hes has become extremely impatient and even the cancer team mentioned how bossy he had become .....i think its because he cant control what happens to his body so hes trying to compensate by being stroppy and irritable with me in particular i think because his body is letting him down he needs to prove hes still the man i married ..i keep telling him that whatever he thinks about it all he is the man i married and yes we wont have the life we wanted but its still life and we should enjoy what we have while we can ..
my husband is a natural pessimist and of course sees the worst in everything while i try and see the positive side as much as i can .i think my husband has lost his confidence and hes now relying on me to do everything ..i willingly do what is needed to make him feel loved as much as i can but its not easy to keep a smiling face everyday but somehow i do ..all my crying is done privately so i dont upset him anymore than he is already ...
i dont think people realise just how much cancer actually takes over everything and how much it wrecks lives ..not just the sufferer but the family who have to take on the care and support ...i wouldnt say that its the same for everyone but personally i feel that being able to talk about it helps ..course my husband is the strong silent type and im more emotional so its been like treading on eggshells .and hoping for the best ! .
i find writing about it a great help because i can express my feelings and it also helps to write down the progression of the cancer so i dont feel so blindsided with the facts ..if that makes sense .
we know we dont have unlimited time and we were told that the oncologist would tell us how long he has left if we ask ..but we do and we dont want to know so we didnt ask ....i think we are just going to try and live our lives albeit with restrictions and count our blessings for now ...
im still angry with the cancer and resentful of how much it has taken from us and im trying to deal with that as best i can ...
we dont have a family support system as such because we are both on our second marriage and family dynamics make it difficult so i try and update everyone as best i can with information ..
i gave up my job so we can be together as much as we can and i dont resent that as much as i thought i would..life is for living and we intend to do what we can to enjoy what we have left ...im still a bit lost over it but now we know where we stand its easier to cope with day by day..
my own health problems make it hard for me but i not so much as i thought it would..strangely enough i seem to coping better than i thought although stress makes it harder but i do what i have to to minimize any pressure on me
today i am going to go out with my son and maybe my daughter for a couple of hours to just potter around ..my husband thinks that a brilliant idea and told me to enjoy myself and forget about everything if only for a few hours ...it helps to escape just a little while and be me ..the nutty mum with attitude ( as my kids refer to me )...
its been a really hard journey so far but we are managing and really thats all we can ask for ...
hope everyone has a good day today x
