Anticipatory Grief - mum

hi rboc28 

A warm welcome to our community though sorry to hear about what you are going through. You might be surprised how often we see nursing staff coming on here in a similar role to you.

We do have quite a good blog on coping with anticipatory grief that might be helpful. Back in 2013 I managed to lose both my parents in quick succession my dad after a long and rather horrible illness and my mother out of the blue.

Looking at what you have posted one question I might ask is what does your mum want - and I suspect she would want her children to be pulling apart. One thing I found when my wife was undergoing chemotherapy was actually how positive people in the department were and I think we put just about the whole world to rights.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Sorry about what you are going through. A bit different, but when my mother was diagnosed with alzheimers,  my father refused to accept it. Mum lost the ability to walk and my dad decided to try everything from aroma therapy to acupuncture. When I talked to the doctor, he gave me this advice: "let him get on with it. He's in denial and grief-stricken. It's his way of coping." 

It was difficult trying to handle it. Dad would ring me at midnight or 2am. With a "good idea". I had to try not to lose my temper and remind myself that he was frantically trying anything to help. What I'm saying here is that everyone deals with bad news in their own way. Your sibling is frightened and frantic. It will eventually dawn on them that your mother is terminal. That's going to be hard. You'll need strength to deal with it. 

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's not easy, but for your mother's sake, you should be there. Is there any way you can spend one on one time with your mother? Could you say to your sister that you feel she needs a break for say, an hour or two? Or perhaps get a mcmillan nurse to talk to her? 

My best wishes go to you.

So sorry to hear your situation.  I have no siblings and that's lonely but appreciate that many people with siblings can feel just as lonely.  My Dad refuses to discuss the future.  My mum also has Stage 4 cancer.  She's kept fairly stable for a couple of years but last few weeks have been more and more complicated.  My mum and dad don't discuss her illness, the future.  My dad is 72 and refuses to stop work because he 'wants mum to have enough money' which is nonsense.  He's working to escape.  I do all the hospital appointments.  3 times I've sat with mum while she was told it was cancer.  I feel trapped.  I feel guilty for feeling that.  I feel like I have aged 20 years in 2 years.  I can't plan.  I feel selfish.  My kids, 16 and 12, I'm sure they feel like we have no fun anymore.  Money is tight.  It's a cycle of hospitals weekly, wanting to run away and constant guilt for wanting to escape.  I hope it at least helps to know you're not alone, as it helped me to read your post.  Sending you a hug x