How do you do it?

Hello Mum92  I have just read your post and am so sorry to read about your mum's condition - it must have been a real shock to you all to have the news the cancer has spread.

First of all let me also say I am sorry you have not had any replies from the Community regarding your issues. By me replying this will "bump" your post back to the top of the forum and I hope that you will receive some further help and advice.

In view if the situation and I know you are still waiting on a biopsy result I think it may be a good idea to join the Breast cancer forum and also the Liver cancer forum. You can do this by clicking on the links I have provided. Once your mum has received her diagnosis you will be able to ask questions on those two forums to people who are undergoing treatment for those two cancers. (I can't help you on that score as I am from the Prostate Cancer group!).

If i can do anything else for you or you have any questions please don't hesitate to contact me.

I send my best wishes to you and your mum at this time.

Brian.

Hi Mum92

Sorry to hear about your mum.  I went through a difficult situation similar to you back mid September.

My mum lost a huge amount of weight in the space of 4 weeks and after a fight to get her into hospital a CT scan she had Mets on her Lungs and Bones believed to be from breast cancer she had, again caught early back in 2008.

It is hard to come to terms with, my mum is 76 so quite a bit older than your mum and the last two months have been difficult personally to focus and look forward.

She spend two weeks in hospital for calcium in her blood which was causing the weight loss and then was out for a week before it happened again and she spent another two weeks in hosiptal.

She is out again now, 10 days so far and so much better in herself, she is grabbing life and doing as many things and seeing as many people as possible.  I have had to change my mind set a bit to dealing with things day by day, which is not easy when you like to plan months again.  But take one day at a time, make memories where you can.

Best

K9Kel

Hi Mum92,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I’m also sorry because I can’t offer any advice. But I am also a mum to a young baby, who is losing their mum to cancer.

I’ve found myself here in this forum after waking and being unable to get back to sleep because of the sadness that just sits on my chest. I don’t know what I will do without my mum, she is my support. She’s my centre and I just don’t think I’ll be strong enough without her. I don’t want to make you feel more sad about your mum but maybe just to know you’re not alone and that sometimes we need to be sad to discharge these feelings. I don’t know ‘how to do this’ at all, but I know that I want to make as many special memories with my mum as I can in whatever time we have left. Its so hard to not always look to the future and worry, but we need to focus on the now and the times we can make count with our mums and babies. 

My mum is also supposed to be looking after my son so I can return to work and my dads health is not great either. I’m just trying to take each day as it comes and support them in anyway I can and go with my feelings if they overwhelm me. It’s worse to fight it back just to ‘stay strong’.

I don’t know really what I’m waffling on about now. But sometimes it’s good just to get it out. 

Here if you ever need to talk 

I’m so sorry you’re going through the same thing  

that’s exactly how it feels, a dark heaviness that’s just there even when you’re trying to be happy and present for the children. I intend on trying to make the most of the time we have, trying to create memories but it’s hard to know what to do. Some days she’s great other days she can barely walk around the house without getting out of breath.

That’s so good you’re allowing yourself to feel your feelings. My default response is to repress and stay strong which isn’t the healthiest of ways. 

xxx

I’m exactly the same I plan so far ahead as that’s what I’ve had to do with young children and one on the spectrum. Plans and predictability are how we function. I am trying to focus more on day to day than looking too far ahead, but equally that’s also the times it gets me. Talking about a family wedding in 2025 and then stopping myself as I realise that’s too far in the future and she may not be here. 
im so glad your mum is doing better and has more energy, i hope she has many many more good days

xxx

I get it, it is so hard to know what to do. My mum says she doesn’t know what can cheer her up anymore and that’s heartbreaking to hear. I don’t know how open you are about talking about it with your mum. First I was quite reluctant to and so was she because it was so painful. But now I guess we suss out how she’s feeling that day and what she might want to gain from it then we figure it out from there. I don’t know if you could do activities at home with her like paint by numbers etc. That is if you can get help with the kids! I guess just being around them to good too. The kids are so innocent it takes the harshness away sometimes. 

I go to counselling and she always tells me how important it is to allow yourself to feel sad when you feel it. I normally let myself go in the shower as it’s our 5 minutes of alone time! That way they don’t build up and become as overpowering. Have you considered counselling? 

Also when looking into the future we try and talk with mum about it as if she’s there. It’s really important for her to see herself there or she will probably give up. There’s so much power behind state of mind. She’s getting better with that and I tidied away some summer bits for her and she talked about ‘next year…’ It was so lovely to see her picturing that because initially she wasn’t. 

xx 

Hi

I’m not sure where I should post but I have a few comments that might help. I have cancer & a poor prognosis. I have three children & grandchildren. It makes me feel good when I know they are concerned but also if I can see them acting normally & including me. The 4 grandchildren give me immense pleasure & with them we live in the moment. I do t want any of them to feel sad but I know it’s not easy & I’m aware of their thoughts. Valuing each moment is important. At present I feel sort of ok physically I’m aware it will / may get worse but NHS have been marvellous & kind. 
Treatments offer so much more hope than years ago. Encourage your relative to keep busy & as active as possible as I’m convinced that helps. Not one of us knows what the future holds so try not to be ruled by sadness. Let it be there as it will when you love someone deeply but you enjoying yourselves means much to them too. 
X

Hello Mum92 I have just read through your post and it resonated with me so much. 
I am so sorry for what you are going through with your mum. I understand how you feel, I’m feeling so similar about mine. My mum is living with incurable cancer that started in the breast but by the time we found out has already spread to many bones and lymph nodes and she’s pretty much bed bound now, barely able to walk from the cancer in her pelvis and spine. i honestly don’t know how to deal with it, my mum was my biggest support, helped me with so much and now it’s like role reversal. And the one person I would reach out to in any hard time would be her, but I can’t burden her with my sadness when she is the one going through this horrible illness. 
Sometimes you jusr want your mum don’t you, but I feel I’m trying to adapt to a new version of her that’s not like the mum I once knew. 
I had my second baby 6 months ago, my mum was my childcare with my first son and I was so lucky to have that option. This time thinking about going back to work is causing so much stress, nursery fees are a fortune and I’m scared not to have the time available to make sure I’m spending enough quality time with her while I have the chance. Whilst also trying to be a good mum and run the house etc. there jusr always seems like so much to have to deal and cope with and I’m not really sure how anyone does it? 
You are not alone, and that’s why I tried to find a forum like this. If you ever need to speak, I’m here x

This is so helpful to read Thankyou so much for offering advice. I have noticed she is less mobile now and seems more defeated now that she has been officially diagnosed so I do agree the mind has smuch to do with it. I will try to keep her busy and included as much as possible and hopefully this will get her out of the negative mindset. The waiting has been tough on everyone not knowing if were preparing for treatment or not and I think it’s really taken a toll on her and my dad  

xx

That is exactly where I am at too, adapting to a new version of my mum. And it’s so hard! Things coming up that we would usually say oh let’s ask mum to have the younger ones and then it hits me that we can’t do that anymore. 
im so sorry you are able to relate to me so much, I wish you didn’t know this feeling. It’s a horrible heavy dark feeling. 
we had the biopsy results and it confirmed her cancer is breast cancer that has spread to her bones, lung & liver. She only had her last breast screening last year, it just seems so unreal. This can’t be happening? I cannot wrap my head around going through life without her. 
I’ve avoided a phone call with a nhs therapy service this morning because I don’t feel comfortable talking to someone I don’t know. I feel more comfortable talking to people on this forum who really understand this feeling. Sorry I kind of vented in this comment Xx