I'm just pouring all my thoughts out on here; not sure if it will be read or replied to but just wanted to type it all down.
I'm getting married next week and I'm stuck in this limbo of being extremely happy, and extremely sad. My dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer last year, and it then moved into his lung. In January he caught sepsis due to the immunotherapy he was on, and he's been bedbound ever since. He was keeping a lot of his illness secret and we've only just learnt that he is terminal with about 12 months left to live, he didn't put down a next of kin and hasn't an LPA, so they didn't actually know which family members to contact(!). He's very poorly in hospital still, but throughout it all, I was thinking he could still come to the wedding, just in a wheelchair and not for the whole day. I've been clinging onto this thought since January, but I've come to the realisation he just won't be able to come, I can't put him through it mentally or physically.
He was an able man in December, doing 20 mile walks etc regardless of the chemo. 2 weeks later he's bedbound, his legs thinner than my arms. I just feel angry all the time, upset that I'm not getting the memory I wanted (my father at the wedding, walking me down the aisle) and feeling guilty that I'm feeling this down - I'm still getting married, surrounded by love and support, we're now getting a videographer filming the ceremony so dad can watch it and I know people have things far, far worse than me. But I have so much to organise - the wedding, but so much for my dad; having to sort out an LPA, solicitors etc and I'm about to start fertility treatments in May.. I just feel that my head is about to explode. What's meant to be the happiest time in my life has been affected by this, and my feelings are all over the place. Every other thought is worrying about my dad and I'm just tired about the unfairness of it all. I can't express my feelings too much to my family as I'm the 'strong' one who sorts out all the family's problems. Probably why I'm just typing it all on here as I can't say it anywhere else!
My stress tolerance is so low and I get snappy so quickly. I'm trying to view my father's situation matter of factly and scientifically, because if I think too much about the fact that I'm losing my father, and that I didn't get married soon enough (if it was last year or before, he'd be there) I will just break down.
