This limbo is awful

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Hi there,

I realise a lot of this will come across as selfish and uncaring but really at this stage I don’t care.

My friend has had cancer for 3 years. I have tried my best to be there for her, however right now I feel that I don’t have any more to give.

It has been such a long drawn out thing with loads of different treatments.

I have recently been finding that I feel really angry. I feel angry with her, although I know none of this is her fault. I crave a resolution of some kind, like a date she is going to pass away. I just can’t stand this limbo. When it all happened I went straight into, ‘listening,’ mode. However I feel like I just can’t listen any more. I don’t want to listen to all the treatments she is having. I find it incredibly hard to maintain my own healthy mental space when I have ‘cancer’ in my head all the time. I have my own chronic health problems and I feel that I had just got to a stage where things were good for me, and then this came along. I feel incredibly upset that she is ill but have started not to contact her so much because I can’t take any more. I feel like I should be able to, that I am a bad friend and that it’s selfish not to be able to put her at the heart of things all the time.

As I said I just wish there was some indication of when she was going to pass away. I can’t take the limbo of knowing this is going to happen but having no idea of when. I can’t plan for it. I feel completely stuck without being able to mentally move on. I feel like I can’t fill my own life with positive things because it somehow feels like an abandonment. But I desperately need to move on. I just feel so angry, and also am enjoying my friend’s company when we see each other but at the same time wanting a resolution which is completely conflicting. I just wish we could just hang out without talking about it sometimes.

I also feel like an awful person for thinking these things. I just can’t see how I can carry on but I am also uncomfortable with keeping her at arms length.

I wish I could put it out of my mind but I seem to ruminate and get angry. I have tried not to but it is near on impossible for me at the moment.

I am also dealing with my own illness.

Really, what I am saying is that I don’t want this situation in my life any more. It’s been far too long. Far too long.I need MY life back.

thanks for listening

Mav over 1 year ago

You may be being selfish and uncaring, for example Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you had cancer - would you want your friend to desert you because she had had enough and wanted to move on?

However, of course it's not that simple or black and white. You have to look after your own mental health and you have to look after your own health and wellbeing too.

I think you need to find a balance whereby you're being true to your friendship but also do not overload yourself with the burden of it, over a long time. Has she friends and family who could share the load?

You obviously still do care, because you're sought out these pages and posted on here, so please do not be hard on yourself. Everybody connected is affected by this awful disease, and it's horrible for friends and family. We all have to deal with it too.

If you need support or guidance, there are pages here on how to look after friends and family, and a call to Macmillan may also help you process everything that's going on.

Thursday45 over 1 year ago in reply to Mav

Thank you. It’s the prolonged pain and the need to be seen to be doing all I can that I can’t cope with. Even when I am not with my friend or in contact I am letting it dominate my life. All I know is that after becoming very unwell myself I cannot go back to the dynamic we have (I do all the contacting and emotional work/deciding what to so etc). I just can’t carry it any more. Thank you so much for your kind words and suggestions. I don’t feel I am allowed to talk about how I feel because all the focus must be on my friend.

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