Hi there. My mum has follicular lymphoma and is just coming to the end of her first 21 day chemo cycle. She was given it while she was an inpatient in hospital, so I'm feeling a little bit nervous about the next round next week. I don't know what to expect for the first few days as I only got to see her four days after the start of the treatment. I'm scared about how weak she might be and how I might not be able to look after her how she needs. I'm in my mid twenties and live with her, but I have had poor mental health for several years now so I know I'm not as good a carer as a healthy daughter would be. I'm lucky that my aunt is able to come down to help during that week. Her partner had cancer so I trust she knows what to do.
But right now I'm feeling something and I feel like it is really silly to be feeling and like it shouldn't matter. But I also know logically that feelings are just what we feel and we don't need to judge them and they don't always make sense. So I'm just going to say it.
I had a ticket to a concert this Friday. It's one of a few things I've got tickets for in the next few months. I don't get out much because of my depression but I have found recently that having things like this planned to look forward to helps a lot. And that it is important for me to do some things for myself like taking myself out for something nice.
But mum's chemo has me really worried - even though the venue asks for proof of vaccination or a negative covid test, I know that with a weakened immune system any kind of cold etc could be dangerous to mum. So I can't go to this concert, or to any of the nice things I have planned in the months ahead. I just feel really sad to not have that to look forward to, and to have wasted the money on tickets, and to be missing out on these nice things. And I feel like I don't know what I will able to do now, if I can see friends or do anything outside the house. And I don't find it easy anyway because of my depression but having things I'd paid for always helped me to actually go because I'd feel like I'd wasted money if I didn't. I just feel sad. I feel like I'm slowly deflating away out of existence and I'm just here for mum. It's quite overwhelming.
Anyway it helps just to say that this is what I'm feeling. I know it's so small in the scheme of everything going on So thank you if you read this 
:)
