Feeling helpless. Mum recently diagnosed with incurable cancer

Hi XOX welcome to the forum and I am sorry to hear how worried that you are. Just to say to you that people who have Incurable Cancer can live for  a long time like that and no one can tell who will and who wont unfortunately.

You can do lots of things for your mum and with your  mum but don't allow those thoughts to steal any precious time that may be left by worrying which I empathise with and can relate to as well.

Spend any time that you can with your mum and laugh and have some happy times. What about asking your mum how she feels about all this and what she wants for you? Its a part of life that often gets lost and families are reluctant to discuss but it may be that your mum has things that she wants you to know and not asking means they go unsaid. Maybe  there will be tears but thats ok.

I wish I could say something more to make you feel better but if you wanted to give the Macmillan Line a call on 08088080000 they may be able to tell you what services are available for you to talk with some one in your local area.xxx  

Hi there, I've recently received a similar piece of news about my mum (terminal cancer diagnosis from breast to bone with no prospect of radiotherapy). It's been 3 weeks since we all found out. At first in my head, all I did at first was imagine how we'd give her a send off, both morbid and comforting eg cremation, ashes. 

Over the last 2 weeks, our collective view as a family has moved towards enjoying the quality time we have left with her. It's hard to know her time is coming soon (1-2 years depending on treatment) and that we will slowly watch her body shut down. On the other hand, it is comforting to know we will all be able to say goodbye on our own terms.

For my mum, that means leaving my dad with sth to look forward to once she goes eg a new start and no big empty family house with no family

For my dad, that means giving her the last year or two with the goodbye he feels she deserves, and the time together. 

For me, that means bringing forward a wedding so that she sees me marry my fiancée and giving her a garden view to enjoy from her new downstairs bedroom (she's not been able to do the garden for years due to arthritis) 

For my brother, that means her spending quality time with the grandchildren and finding a future for my dad post-mum. 

These all sound like little things, but I feel that it's these things that we'll all cling to at some point and keep us positive and focused in the meantime.

For the sake of brevity I've oversimplified this and its been a much squigglier process than I've presented here but I hope reading this helps for you

Hi  thankyou for your response. I am sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. Your response has definitely made me think differently about the situation. I am definitely trying to look on the positive side of things and be grateful for the time we have with her. I just don't want to look back and think I wish I had done more, I am trying all I can to bring joy into our house. However I cant say the boys in my house do the same e.g. little brother on his Xbox all day, older brother is just miserable all the time and my dad nearly works 7 days a week so he isnt around much. This makes it so difficult and I'm starting to fall out with my dad because for me, him being out all day 6-7 days a week makes me feel like he is running away from it all when I have to stay home and work, clean, wash, cook ect. Do all dad's do this or just mine? 

Hi, sorry to hear you are going through this.  You are definitely not alone in how you are feeling.  On Friday 5 February we found out that my Mum has stage 4 lung cancer that has spread to her liver.  There is no treatment plan for her due to her age and how ill she is, that and the fact the tumour is 8cm in size!  Doctors cant say how long she has but we think it'll be weeks as opposed to months.

The feeling of being helpless for me, changes with anger, sadness and sheer fury that she is having to suffer this and there's absolutely nothing I can do to make her better.  My sister and I are looking after her at home but have no idea if what we are doing is right.  Covid means we don't have the normal medical support and everything is being done over the phone.

As for staying positive I'm not sure what to advise.  My Mum makes us laugh every day with things she says and that helps.  I put on a brave face in front of her and crumble when I'm alone.  I don't know anyone personally who has been in this situation so phoned a local cancer support charity and just speaking to them helped as they told me what I should be asking the doctor and what I should be asking for to happen.  This makes me feel a tiny bit in control which helps keep me sane and focused.

We had afternoon tea today with her today and have a few other things planned for when the snow disappears.

Hi  thankyou for your reply. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. I can totally understand where you are coming from when you say you don't know if what you e doing is right. I constantly feel like I'm not caring for her enough and the help I am giving isn't good enough. My mum seems to be getting worse and worse each day. She doesn't sleep or eat and iloosing a lot of weight and I feel it's my fault in a way for not doing enough. I like your idea of having afternoon tea that's sound like a nice thing to do. I also feel anger in a way because I dot feel like the doctors are doing everything to help with her physical state. Her cough is so bad and she's in so much pain, it's horrible to see. Is your mum suffering from coughing at all? Does she manage to sleep and eat at all? I don't know if it's just my mum experiencing these symptoms but she can barley get out of bed most days and doing everyday activities are a massive struggle. Thankyou. 

Hi XOX

I am so sorry to hear of your mums diagnosis and how you are feeling at the moment. It really breaks my heart to know that there as so many going through the same thing. 

Sadly, we received the news just over a week ago that my mum has stage 4 incurable lung cancer, spread into her windpipe and lymph nodes and inoperable. 4 days later she has been admitted to hospital and unable to start her treatment yet (targeted therapy).

all I can say is that this is a real emotional rollercoaster. Mum is 60 and I am 29, due to get married next month (COVID allowing). As soon as I found out the news I went straight to thinking about the moments I might not have with my mum, it almost feels like early grief.

Over the last few days though I have felt a change in me. I want to make the most of time with mum, make her laugh, make plans and enjoy the beautiful person she is. 

I have also been getting to grips with different diagnosis terms and what incurable means as opposed to terminal. It has given me the slice of hope that I needed, that perhaps some time can be bought. 

I owe it to her to push all of that love and hope out into the universe because ultimately as their children that’s all we can do.

Hi ,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your mum. My mum received the same diagnoses on the same day as yours and it’s completely heartbreaking. If your anything like me your head will still be completely spinning. 

Thinking of you and your family xx

Hi, just wanted to say hello - this is my first time on here despite logging on a few months ago.  It's not easy to know where to start at times is it.  

My mum has lung cancer, which she's had radiotheraphy and chemo for, but it has returned and there is no further treatment they can do.  Mum's 76, which is so young. 

She's currently got an infection and heartbeat racing through the roof, so is in hospital whilst they observe her on tablets to lower her heartbeat and antibiotics and oxygen for the infection.  

And like you and so many more, feel so helpless.  I live 3 hours away from her at the best of times, in covid times - it's like the moon.

I just wanted to say - keep going, it is so difficult I know, but you know that's what your Mum would want you to do also.   The 3 boys, however useless, will keep you focused - even if its just to despair?? haha ( I have 1 daughter and 1 son - both wonderful and at times both useless also!)

Sending a biggest hug, Diane x