Wife diagnosed yesterday with breast cancer - any advice from partners gratefully received

Hi and welcome to the online community although I'm sorry you've had to find us.

I know you were asking for partners of wives with breast cancer to reply to you, and I don't fit that bill, but I was passing and noticed that your post hadn't had any replies yet. This might be because this is a busy group and it's slipped down the discussions list, so replying to you will 'bump' it back to the top.

I can't help with your questions about whether your wife should go privately or not but I noticed that you also posted in the breast cancer group and have had several replies from people over there.

It's natural that you'll be worried as you lost your mum to breast cancer 35 years ago but cancer treatment has come on so far in the intervening years with treatments now that weren't available then. 

You might find this information from Macmillan on looking after someone with cancer helpful as it gives information on both supporting your partner and getting support for yourself. From my experience with cancer I just wanted my husband to listen when I wanted to talk about it and do little things for me like make a cup of tea, do the ironing, etc. It doesn't matter if you don't have the answers when your wife wants to talk about her cancer but just listening is as important as talking.

I hope you don't mind me suggesting that you join the carers only group as it's a safe and supportive place to discuss your worries with other people who are looking after a loved one with cancer. If you'd like to do this just click on the link I've created and then just join and post in the same way as you did here.

Wishing you and your wife all the best

x

Thanks so much, I will have a look. Appreciate your kindness xx

Hi TonyB3

I hope you're feeling OK after a few more days for the news to sink in. Joined the forum to reply as my partner has had the exact same diagnosis as yours and been having treatment for 5 months. 

I can't comment on the private health care question as that didn't apply to us. I can say that the NHS care has been excellent inspite of everything that's going on, but it makes sense to pursue every opportunity to take pressure off them.

You have had some previous experience with breast cancer so you probably know more than I did. But the overwhelming feeling for me at first was fear. I was so frightened about everthubf that could possibly happen, and that I and my partner wouldn't be able to cope. 

But the fears have been worse than the reality. My partner has coped admirably and I have surprised myself too. And the chemo has been rough at times but not as bad as my partner was expecting. So if I had any advice I guess it would be to take it one day at a time (massive cliche, I know) and don't let your anxieties get the better of you. In many ways the start of the journey is the worst but as there are so many unknowns. With each day that passes you know a little bit more.

Anyway, bit of a ramble but there are others out there going through exactly what you and your wife are - and getting through it. There are shit days but they're outnumbered by the good days.

Hope your boys are alright too. I'm not a dad so can't help with that one I'm afraid. 

All the best. 

Thanks so much for responding, we’re definitely taking it a day at a time. We decided to go down the private route as she’s been paying into for years, but mainly as it turns out she can have the chemo done at home which is a massive bonus and also a relief. More tests awaited as well so that’s a bit scary. Lie your partner she is coping well. The oncologist said her chemo would be about a level of 4 (out of ten) for how rough she would feel and that made her very relieved.

I really appreciate your response it was really helpful and kind of you. Thanks.

Hi TonyB3

I was diagnosed with BC just over 3 years ago .... I had surgery, radiation & then Hormone reducing tablets - I was lucky to dodge the chemo bullet.  I joined a Breast Cancer Forum in Australia & have made firm friends with many ladies going thru the same thing, where we can discuss ANYTHING, with those who've gone thru it before us, so have the knowledge & tips to help. Drs (unless they've actually had Breast Cancer themselves) are only regurgitating what they've read in text books, heard in a lecture, or heard from their patients.  It has been a godsend for my own recovery.  I joined the week I had my surgery done. I am sure you'll find a good one in the UK.

I had my surgery done privately but had my Radiation & Oncology in the Public system (in Australia.)

I have friends who went totally thru the NHS in the UK for their BC surgery & treatment, with wonderful results and 15 years later - they are still alive & well & have a great quality of life.  

I have found that the diagnosis mucks more with our BRAIN more than our body - it is like being hit in the head with a sledgehammer ....... your partner will be having mood swings - from 'OK' to angry, to tearful and all the levels in between - and that is all OK - let it happen.  Once she has actually HAD her surgery and gets the pathology report and meets her 'team' who will give her the rest of her plan - she will feel MUCH better.  It is the fear of the unknown that is causing all the distress and anxiety right now.  

I hope her initial chemo doesn't make her too ill .... make sure she takes the anti nausea tablets early on so it doesn't get a hold ... 

Just 'be there' for her - if you & the boys enjoy cooking, take over the cooking role!  Or start making meals now that you can freeze so that when she comes out of hospital, she doesn't have to do it!  Try and keep her busy doing things she loves ..... it will help take her mind off the current situation.  I lead a ukulele group & they were FANTASTIC in helping me keep sane thru all of this - and keeping me laughing.  If she has any hobbies - make sure she keeps them up, both before & after her surgery (as she is able ..... some things may take a while post op, depending on the level of surgery she requires.)  Get a small cushion that she can rest her arm on, post op ..... and when in the car as a passenger - hugging the cushion will prevent jarring of the surgery site when the car hits a kerb or hole in the road - or even bumps!

If she (or you and the boys) want to read up on how a Breast Cancer diagnosis can affect a person - Liz O'Riordan (a UK Breast Cancer Surgeon who got Breast Cancer) has written the most incredible blog on how unprepared she was (even tho a BC surgeon) for her own diagnosis & how the things she'd said to her own patients in the past were nowhere near accurate of what they actually 'went thru' ..... it is a very honest (and sometimes confronting) blog on how it has all affected her & her work.    http://liz.oriordan.co.uk/

Take care, all the best for you and your wife and your boys as you go thru this together. xx