Anxious and overwhelmed.....

Dear sabateurse,  please don’t feel like a fraud, we are all worthy of support. I am sorry to hear of your dad’s situation but you are concentrating on giving him the best quality of life you can and spending time together which is the right thing to do. I see you have 2 sons at university, so there is probably an element of empty nest syndrome adding to your anxiety, you’ve spent a lifetime being distracted by the responsibilities of raising your boys and now you have more thinking time for yourself and given your current circumstances this is probably unsettling for you. Teaching is one of those jobs where it’s necessary to be “ on “ all the time no matter how you feel and that can be exhausting. Perhaps you need to find an activity where you can switch off and allow your adrenaline levels to reduce, maybe have some massage therapy, go swimming, take a walk in a nature reserve, which is one of my personal favourites when I am stressed out. It’s so important to try and get off the rollercoaster of dealing with cancer and a stressful job, so try to develop some “me time” as part of your daily life.

Thank you for your reply. 

I do try to get to the gym and swim regularly. I agree that helps with the stress. I also go to an evening class once a week and often walk outside to distress.

Not sure if its empty nest syndrome. One of my sons is regularly 

I basically doing everything I can think of to self help. Including avoiding alcohol.  It has helped but because how fast things are going with dad it's not now.

I'm beginning to feel panic and real anxiety about work

Dear sabateurse, it’s sounds as though you are doing everything to help yourself. Have you considered visiting a maggies centre, they offer support to family members not only cancer patients, they have a website where you can find out if there is one near you. I think the key to reducing stress is to accept that you can’t control what is happening and concentrate on things that can make a difference to the quality of life of both you and your dad. I live this everyday and it has given me some peace with my own situation. Are your employers aware of your situation as they may be able to offer you some flexibility in your work patterns, they have a duty of care towards you whether you are physically ill or if you are under severe stress.

Hi 

Are you able to have a few weeks off on the sick. I have had to take leave since end of August as our 25 year old son was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. It still feels unreal. He is due to have a bone marrow transplant December. Our 20 year old daughter is the donor. 

It's like a living nightmare isn't  it and something that always seemed to happen to others, I guess now we are those 'others'. 

Here if you want to talk. 

Hayley 

Oh goodness Hayley.  I literally can't compare my situation with yours. 

I so hope that your daughter and son can change things together and for each other.  What an amazing bond and what incredible children you have x

Hi 

I think whomever the family member is.  It's a hard time  for us all as relatives. 

Nicholas diagnosis came completely out of the blue in August after a midnight visit to A & E complaint of pain on breathing/flu like symptoms, bad back. It's so unreal he only graduated from uni 4 weeks before.  Started chemo on 25th August or lemon treatment as I call it!!...I can deal with that  word easier. 

If I was you  I would take paid sick leave.  I know I couldn't concentrate in work at moment. My husband is also on the sick. Hopefully one of us will go back after transplant. As he is outpatient now we take him to everyday appointments. 

Please look after yourself. 

Hayley x

Hi Sabateurse

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad and that you're feeling so stressed, anxious and struggling to cope at the moment. I know what that's like, it's awful, but it is absolutely to be expected right now. It's completely natural to be feeling all sorts of really confusing, devastating feelings and be very low in mood. Especially when you've always been the 'strong' one and there for everyone else!

I divorced a narcissist at the start of this year, after being beaten down and isolated for years, it has been mentally exhausting and I couldn't have done it without financial help from my parents. In April I got a non-molestation order against him, protecting my two daughters and I. It was a horrible, traumatic process and although amazing he's finally gone, I was left with single parenting 2 anxious kids, working full time, getting the house sold and moving, trying to build some sort of life and be that phoenix from the flames(!), the house finally went under offer in September and then, out of the blue, my mum was diagnosed with aggressive bladder cancer that has spread to the kidney and lungs. She's been given 12 months. I still can't really believe it.

There's only so much us humans can take before we risk burn out and employers, by law, need to protect their employees. There is no shame in telling work you're struggling a bit, you have a lot on your plate right now, take some time off sick - you can self certify up to a week - or, don't say to work and go and see your GP instead, they will sign you off. Work will know that your Dad isn't well and you will have their sympathies and support, I'm sure. You and your family are the main priority at the moment. 

That's how I'm looking at it anyway - I've told work and am on lighter duties at the moment and just hanging in there for the Christmas holidays, not so much the festivities (not at all actually!) but that I've booked the 2 weeks off and am looking forward to sleep. I'm exhausted and I don't think this weather helps much either!

Look after yourself x 

My heart goes out to you Puglover.

How old are your daughters?

My sons are 20 and 19. My ex left 5 years ago. We literally walked into the house and he'd taken all of his belongings....bit of a shock!

My parents have also been a bed rock since. Life is fraught with anxiety,  especially when you are suddenly alone with children to guide and protect.  Even more so with daughters....I imagine. 

I hope that you manage to spend quality time with them and  your mum.  Sounds like Christmas is going to be very special. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to message. Please keep in touch x

Juliet 

Oh thanks Juliet - my girls are 14 and 11, so a tad younger than your boys! 

Sounds like we have pretty similar stories. I forgot to say in my last post that I also see a counsellor - I was seeing her through the divorce and obviously with everything now, I've just continued. It's been really good at helping me stay mentally together as best as possible really. 

I think I'm ok - and I'm sure you will be too - lots of self care, lots of quality time with the family - we'll get through this and there's lots of support out there when you want it. 

I hope you have a relaxing weekend 

Rachel x