Daily struggle

Hi Rosie,

I can feel the pain and anguish in your post. To have one relative suffering is bad enough but having to watch two fighting this terrible disease must be and is very heartbreaking and I am very sorry that you're having to go through this but you ask how can you enjoy the time you have left with them you do this by being positive and taking each day as it comes. No one can predict what tomorrow will bring and we can only make the best of what we have today and make the most of it which is difficult because the question niggling away at the back of your head is "what if" and no amount of preparation can prepare you for the inevitable, so we make the most of today and continue to make memories. We repeatedly keep telling our loved ones how much we love them and hold them close. We hold their hands and do the little things we take granted and make them as comfortable as we can. We watch for the little signs that tell us that they tired and need to rest and take a small step back whilst still remaining close enough let them know how much you love them, you can never tell a person that you love enough just how much you love them but do it without smothering them.

Continue to make memories these are things that last forever and act naturally when you are with them, shed your tears when you are not with them.

Unfortunately in life we all assume that grief is associated with the passing of a loved one but grief can hit us at anytime and you are already grieving, there is not a cure for grieving but you can try and get some help for yourself and our good friends over in the Maggies Centre maybe able to help you with some counselling. If you click on the link this will take you to their home page and if you put in your postal code you might be fortunate enough to have a centre near to you

Here at Macmillans we have a telephone support line where you can have a one to one chat with one of the friendly advisers who will listen to you and give you help and advice and maybe able to direct to some help locally to you. They can be contacted on

0808 808 0000

7 days a week between 8 am and 8 pm

I would like to suggest that you might find some benefit in joining our Supporting someone with incurable cancer forum group and relating to the members who are or have been in the same position as you just now, due to the nature of the group they are all very supportive towards each other and share their experiences whilst offering help and support

No matter which groups you are a member of you will find them very safe places to come to for a chat, to have a rant and rave, or as we do just to let off steam, no one will judge you, no one will think you are being silly the emotions you are experiencing is something all the members face and they try to overcome them together.

I see you are a member of the Breast cancer forum group and this also a very good place to share your feelings with the members who all rally round each other to give support and send out as many hugs as you need.

One thing you should realise you are part of the Mac family and you should never feel alone we are here for you when you need us.

Please keep in touch by posting your feelings and emotions in the groups and we will do all we can to see you through your darkest moments.

Ian

Hi Rosie-Lily,

I saw your post on the Breast Cancer thread and was reading your profile and other posts.  Can I tell you a little about my background first so that you know where I'm coming from?

My mum was diagnosed with dementia 14 years ago,  and at the time she was living in Scotland.  My daughters were aged 2 and 5, and i managed to get my local council to  house her in supported housing a couple of miles from where I live in the nice bit of the borough. I then saw her nearly every day for several years until she deteriorated and went to a day centre most days and I saw her 2-3   times weekly so u could spend more time with my daughters too. I can't underestimate the stress I felt supporting her and my own family,  and the guilt that I wasn't doing enough. She deteriorated 2 years ago,  stopping eating for the last three months when she eventually starved to death despite my best efforts as she'd not take fortified drinks or have a port.  At the time I was so numb that when my sister died unexpectedly from a breast cancer recurrence  three years ago (the initial one was 17 years before) that she kept secret it didn't affect me as much as it should have and I slep- walked through the funeral. My aunt also died five years ago from what we thought was lung cancer but was a secondary breast cancer. I was so numb that I never joined the dots about a family history, and not until I was taking to my doctor and nurse and they said it did it click.  I was traumatised  from looking after my mum and didn't know it. 

The reason I'm saying this is because I think that you are not just trying to cope, but traumatised. When I was diagnosed  this April it was also just after my younger daughter (aged 16 and struggling with her mental health partly triggered by all the family illness and death she'd grown up with)  had ended up in hospital 2 months earlier feeling suicidal. My diagnosis was not just a shock to me with the usual fears , but about how she'd cope without me.  It was a problem too much and I broke down and asked to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible.  My team were fantastic,  and i saw her within 3 weeks of diagnosis. I can't stress enough how it has helped me. Please can you go to your doctor and tell them how you are feeling? I was also given tranquillisers by my doctor,  which I've never taken as I feel like my sessions have unravelled so much historical trauma that I have the strength to cope. You must be honest and open with him/ her, but your posts here suggest that you would be.

Good luck finding help,  but please do it as soon as possible. X