Losing my Dad at 21

Hi,you might find it useful to put a bit in your profile n also to join the relevant group for the cancer type your dad has  and any secondaries too, eg I'm a member of the Kidney cancer group n also the Brain, secondary tumours group.

You'll then get more support from ppl there as well as this group.

Btw, rereading your post it sounds like you're dealing in what ifs. They're a real b xxx. I know it's hard but try n focus on the here n now,  eg  let your dad know how u feel about him

Do u have any other family or is it just u n  your dad?.

Hello BendL98,

I was 21 when my dad died from cancer, I was in my final year of university and found everything extremely difficult, The things you mentioned I was worrying about too, thinking about him not coming to my wedding and graduation and not seeing my children.

I think its a personal journey in terms of what gets you through a difficult time. Though one thing we have in common is that as humans we are made to survive and our brains are really clever in how they deal with pain. It's like we are set up to survive and even the grieving process itself (there are models of the stages of grief) happens in a way that allows us to process. 

Does it feel to you like getting through this difficult time is not possible? I remember feeling that, i remember thinking that the pain was so big I wouldn't survive. But we do, it may or may not speak to you but I found this quote a little after my dad died and it spoke to me 

'There are all these moments you think you wont survive. And then you survive' - David Levithan

Things that helped me after the death were making a memory box, creativity, my quote book, my hamster, my cat and therapy. 

It sounds like you are needing help with processing at the moment though, with dad still around. I remember that when we knew my dad was dying people all seemed to be having their last words with him. I wrote him a letter and burnt it on a fire (he was too ill to communicate with me anyway) I had read previously that in some cultures they believe spirits carry the words of burnt letters to our loved ones. 

I got obsessed with cancer films when my dad was dying (also cancer books and poems), for me it helped me feel less alone. I know that for others though this would just make them sad and be a terrible idea. It's personal.

I guess  you could ask yourself what you need most right now, listening or understanding or stress relief. Then ask how you can fulfil that a little. For example if you need listening you may want to call a friend, a charity phone line, talk on here, see a therapist, write a letter. If you need comfort you might cuddle up with a blanket and hot chocolate, or whatever is comforting to you. These things my feel like they are only little and can't possibly help with the loss of someone so important. But it can be helpful to look at the smaller moment and think, how can I get through this moment? Thinking of the months ahead is huge, but if we break it down into smaller chunks of time its easier.

I hope this helps, take care and feel free to type it all out if you need listening.

Big love

xx