Nan aggressive Lung Cancer - in need of support

Hi Chantelle(Victoria)

Welcome to the online community and I am really sorry that you have been put in a position that you have had to join with us but by joining us you have found a great place to come to let off steam and have a rant and rave where no one will judge you but you've also found a place where you can ask questions and get advice, support and help from all the many members who are or have been in this position as you are now.

Most people assume that grief is only associated with the death but it also finds people in other situations like you have found yourself with the news of the terminal diagnosis of your Nan, you are in the stage of Anger and you just want to lash out at everyone and everything and unfortunately this is normal and your anger is unique to you and finding a way to deal with it can be quite difficult unless you can focus your energy on other things.

I see that your family want you move in with your nan and be her carer for the next 2, 3, 4 or more months which could be more or less and wonder to myself why your family has designated you as the carer as you have a life,and a job 25 miles away from your nan. We all want to do the best for our loved ones but taking on a carers role can be very difficult and could end up being a 24 hours a day 7 days a week, you can't expect to do it all on your own, will the rest of your family be on hand to assist you not just in words but in the practical day to day things and to give you some respite including a night or two away back to your own home each week, when we read through the posts in other groups this is a scenario that comes up quite regularly and very often the promised help never appears, I would suggest that before you make the decision that you fully discuss this with all members of the family *who want you to be your nan's carer* and set some ground rules before you agree remember that eventually and you don't know when you will be able to resume your life and employment in your own home and pick up on the life you have just now prior to receiving the news of your nan.

If you decide to take on the carers role you maybe interested to know that you can join our Carers only forum group which is only for carers and you can join in discussions and ask questions to the very friendly members who through necessity have become carers and have a wealth of experiences that they will share with you.

You can also join our Supporting someone with incurable cancer forum group.

I'm sorry that I can't take away your anger but I hope that you will find a solution to being your nan's carer.

No matter which groups you join I can assure you that you will be welcomed into the fold with open arms and made very welcome by members who can give you help, support and  advice whenever you need it.

Above all I would ask you to keep in touch with us and let us know your decision and how you are getting on, remember this is a very safe place to come to let off steam and rant and rave and you'll find us here 7 days a week and sometimes 24 hours a day, our doors are always open, no need to knock just come on in and have a chat with us.

Look forward to seeing you in all the groups I've mentioned whenever you're ready we'll be here for you.

Best wishes

Ian

By clicking on any of the green text above will open up new pages for you and enable you to join any new groups that you want to just click on join this group when the page open then click on start a discussion or just join in the discussions.

Hey there. I’m so sorry to hear about your nan’s cancer. I can feel your stress just through reading. It’s a tough situation. You have your life all together and now you may have to put some of this at risk because of your poorly nan. Please speak to your boss at work and explain the situation that you will need to care for your nan if that is your choice. I’m sure your entire family will support you. Supporting your nan until the end will be very difficult to deal with and I bless you with emotional resilience. I lost my mum last year and at the time I was only 16. I lost her quite unexpectedly (due to chemotherapy) as she had undiagnosed neutropenia and her condition quite rapidly went downhill overnight. I never had the opportunity to say goodbye to my mum or do the things I wanted to do with her before she passed, because she passed so suddenly. I feel like having that goodbye is very helpful with the grieving process.

Can I also mention that your nan’s passing may come as the biggest shock even if you have been preparing yourself for it for a long time. Now is a great opportunity to spend time with her and do things you enjoy doing. If people have a heart they will understand completely and give you the time and space you need. 

Again, I’m so sorry about your nan’s situation. I hope the time she has left is peaceful and full of love. Taking care of your nan is a huge responsibility. It may be physically and mentally challenging. However, I wish you all the best to both you and your family.

-Shauna x

Hi guys, sorry I've been away for a few days - I've taken some time to just process.

I went to her oncology appointment on Monday and it was a little more positive. A different doctor has decided its worth giving her radiotherapy to get a little more time. She did stress that it's not curable and we will still lose her, and that there's still not much time; the pressure is off now, though.

In terms of why my family elected me - I've always been incredibly close with my Nan. My mum worked 50 hours a week until I was 5 , so my Nan pretty much raised me. I lived with her until I was 3. She's always been there. I moved away for university and didn't move back when I finished, but I've wanted to move closer for a whole. I took a job closer to home but it didn't go well, so I quit and ended up back in Chichester where I live. I think that they think that since I want to move back anyway, I might as well move in with Nan but I have my own life too. I'm a screenwriter by career and I work a day job to pay the bills.

I'm torn. I want to be there, but I know that if I move in and look after her now, I'll have to give up everything. My house, my job, my life here. She has a council house so when she goes, I'd have to find somewhere within two weeks or be homeless. My boyfriend isn't being at all supportive to boot, and is actually making everything worse, so I'm having to consider a break up alongside all of this.

I'm feeling more in control now than I did when I wrote this initial post. I'm still considering being her carer, but I'm just scared about not having anything to come back to afterwards. I don't have any savings (spent them all moving into my house) so I have no idea what I'd do. It's pretty terrifying but I've spoken to my best friend who has fought ALL twice and is now in remission for the second time. She advised me to go to the Macmillan Horizon centre in Brighton to get some support, which I'm going to try next time I'm down that way. 

Thank you all for your love and support, its so appreciated. If you have any advice on getting on with life after cnscer if I were to become her carer, please let me know.

Chantelle x

Hi Chantelle, 

I’m glad your head is a bit clearer now and you’re going ahead to support your nan. It’s very brave of you. I’m sorry that your boyfriend is showing little support because support is definitely what you need right now. 

I’m not very educated on financial affairs (I’m only 17) so I’m sorry that I don’t have much advice on those terms. It is a tough situation by the sounds of it. Just keep trying to organise where you will be moving to after your nan passes so that you’re not in a sticky situation. And going through a break up at this time is certainly not what you need right now. If the relationship brings more negativity than positivity, it may be for the best.

I would agree with your friend in saying you should speak to Macmillan. I’m sure they will offer a lot of support to you and your nan throughout. Be sure to mention your current situation with your job and house, I’m sure they would be able to intergrate more services to help you.

I watched my mum’s condition worsen from the beginning of 2018 to her passing in May of 2018. I was not her full time carer because I had to go to school but I was always there to help her out. It may be hard going from spending every hour of the day with your nan, to seeing her pass away. You will need to be supported during the time you are caring for your nan and after. Everyone grieves differently and it’s important to know that. In whatever way you grieve, you must remember to take care of yourself and take the time you need to grieve. I didn’t give myself enough time to grieve after my mum died because I was scared to face my feelings. You have additional stresses that need addressing as soon as possible so that you don’t have these problems piling up when the time comes.

I hope your nan is in good spirits although it’s probably very difficult for her to stay positive. Remind her that you will be there to support her to the end. Again, well done for stepping up to be your nan’s carer. Your help and dedication is going to be very appreciated.