My stepdad

Hi Nicky, welcome to the community though so sorry to hear about your stepdad. Cannot say I know anything about Birketts cancer as it is quite different to my wife's cancer. I did a search on Birketts using the facility at the top of the page and apart from your post the messages were over a year old.

It is good he is lucid and chatting but slightly more worrying that he talks of 'switching the off button', while I am sure we can understand that the impact of such a thing can last for many years and even now seems to be having a real impact on you - part of his concern is of course likely to be exactly that worry. Perhaps it might help you to speak to one of our experts on our helpline here ring 0808 808 0000 anytime between 8am and 8 pm - it is a free phone call too.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thank you for your support

I live 3 hours away from him so am only able to visit at weekends. 

I spent Saturday with him and he is deteriorating fast, and having spoken to a relative who has been in to see him today, I'm lead to believe he will more than likely slip away in the next day or so

He's fought so hard and suffered so much and it kills me to say it but for his sake I believe it will be a blessing 

Its heart breaking watching him suffer but I believe he's at peace with the inevitable now and that brings me comfort

Nicky x

Hello Nicky

I was looking on here for the 1st time about an hour ago & I came across your post. Apart from a different family member (it's my mum) & a different cancer (lung), the words could have been written by me.

I too live 3+ hours away, as does my brother, so we are totally reliant on outside care agencies to support mum. It was your comment about " switching off the button" that I could totally relate to. Having spent what is my last Mother's Day with her, all my mum keeps saying is "why can't I die?" . Hearing her say this out loud, watching her struggle but fight so hard, is indeed heartbreaking. My mum is of the generation that is very stoic & watching her give in to the lack of independence & dignity upsets me so much. I too don't blame her for just wanting it all to be over with.

I therefore just wanted to let you know that I totally, totally understand how you feel.

Much love

Hi Rosie

Sorry for the delay..

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.. it's so hard being so far away from a loved one and I don't know about you but trying to find a balance between being by their side and attempting to carry on with your day to day life is something I found very hard. The travelling is tiring and it's all totally overwhelming. I felt a terrible sense of guilt that I couldn't be there more, although my stepdads other family were and the ward he was on were amazing with him. I still felt so guilty.

My stepdad passed on April 2nd at 5am. So he found his 'off switch'.. I saw him the Saturday prior to him passing and he said he was tired of 'lingering' and he was bored now- I remember saying it was ok if he wanted to go and as I was leaving instead of my usual 'I'll see you on such n such a day .. you need to be here for my visit etc .. I just said I'd see him soon' 

And after talking to a friend, I think he was able to go then as he knew it was ok and he didn't have to struggle on to wait for me. I could be totally wrong.. but its given me a degree of peace thinking this way.  His funeral is Thursday.. tomorrow.. and once thats done I'm hoping I find the peace to grieve and let go of the guilt I'm carrying

Thank you for your kind words and understanding 

Much love to you and your mum

Nicky x