Having a bad day

Hello all, haven't been here for a while, but I am glad to see you are all being so supportive of each other. Not glad to hear you are all suffering so much. I am afraid to say I haven't felt strong enough to come on here lately.

Elenium, I am so sorry to hear about your Uncle, how awful for you, my heart goes out to you.

Sadly my lovely Dad passed away on 1st October. The last month has been a roller coaster of visits and phone calls as it became clear Dad was nearing the end. They were managing his symptoms quite well, but he had periods of confusion and times when he was slurring his words, or talking nonsense. I had many phone calls from the nurses, asking me to talk to him and calm him down. He seemed to sleep all day and be awake all night. Luckily we were able to make our final visit the day before he died. Then we went up there on the day he died, having got the phone call. It was heartbreaking, but at least he was at peace, and with Mum and Scarlett ( my granddaughter). He had no quality of life in those last few weeks.

Anyway the funeral is on Monday 16th October at the Chelsea Pensioners Home. I have been in coping mode sorting everything out I am the oldest child). Now I just feel numb.

Love to all of of you who post on here, your stories have really touched me, and I know I have somewhere to go, when I am feeling like this.

Take care, Anneteresa

Oh AT, I'm so sorry about your dad. Sending you a big hug. I think we could all do with one of those at the moment. 

X

So sorry to hear about your loss AT a viral hug to you and everyone else out there , it’s so tough how life kicks us at times 

Lots of low moments here in this once vibrant home that is now just s house full of memories and loneliness but just keep putting one foot in front of the other day after day ....surely happier times are on this road somewhere?? 

Oh AT. My condolences at the loss of your pops. I think i recall its hard for you to visit him so this must have been a huge strain for you. very sad times for you especially as you spoke so fondly of losing your dear mum sometime ago. We will hold your hand tightly on Monday, we have a little tradition of supporting these big days by adopting the funeral 'theme' is there something we could all do, like wear red in solidarity with you and respect for your dad as, after all, not everyone gets to end their days in the Chelsea Pensioners home. Always reduces me to tears when I see them proudly sitting walking or being pushed with their display of medals worn with pride. Do you have support on Monday on the day? I hope very much that our loved ones are in spirit having a ball xxxx

Thank-you so much Elenium and Yantibee. Sending a big virtual hug right back. It has been a year almost to the day since I started this journey that no-one wants to go on. But I have met some lovely people.

Take care Anneteresa

Yantibee. Hello my friend. We have some tricky weeks ahead with anniversaries of special precious times. are the boys ok in Scotland and Norfolk? The twins born doing ok? How are the new restaurants and most of all, i do so very much hope you find, from time to time a little spring in your step. your darling lady will be willing you to find some pleasure from life, i can only imagine how desparately hard it must be for you. 'Borrow my doggy', maybe you could join and borrow one to walk from time to time, their unconditional love and company forces me to drag my arse out even when i dont want to x

Hi maisiemae , well to answer your questions; the boys are “ok” eldest was in Scotland due to a work contract but is back in his home with his partner now just outside Leeds so not too far away, youngest is thriving in Suffolk enjoying his new job and the time with his fiancé , they are truly in love and looking forward to their life together and planning their wedding and house hunting and dreaming of the good times ahead!! 

Work is busy , successfull and very consuming which is great for occupying the mind but not so great for the body and wellbeing. 

Some days are harder than others I don’t need to tell you that but on occasions there are the days when I feel good and positive, I talk to my darling Jill all the time , I hug the urn as it’s the closest I can physically be to her but I miss her terribly and although (as I assume we all do) I wear the fake smile and the make up to hide the true feelings when I am at work especially I do have moments of clarity when I know I am still here and it’s ok to be happy 

I have instructed the builders to do the work on our home that Jill wanted doing , I have finally moved the condolence cards after 10 months , I don’t know what made me do it I just felt I was ready I guess . Her clothes shoes boots and bags of which there are many!! Are all still in their place, her coat is still on the cellar door handle , her coffee cup in the cupboard, you know what I mean? Leaving them there is kind of helping me , some people I have read just clear it out straight away through choice but my choice is to keep it, it gives me comfort in a way . 

I have had several oftof dogs to look after, borrow, buy, re home and I would love to but work is not conducive to having a dog at the moment 

So Christmas looms on the near horizon and the memories all too fresh start to stir, can’t say I am looking forward to it. This time last year was so devastating as the news broke that it was a hopeless situation....oh my poor lady why you? This cruel disease still causes pain , it will always live here in these four walls in our memories of how it destroyed Jill and us 

Hope for the  positive days to keep coming as he anniversaries approach 

Hope you are on MM loveyto hear from you 

Take care all of this viral family , hugs to you all and sorry for the long post !! 

So sorry Anneteresa,

Will be thinking of you on Monday, how you are feeling is how we all feel and felt so we are all so with you on this page.

Look after yourself and a big hug xxx

Hello All,

I think Yantibee you have said it so well, the dreaded Christmas and anniversaries, memories still fresh  that it seems only like yesterday.

I too still have Bobs clothes hanging in the wardrobe, slippers by the door....

Another deep breath and on with the day..

Love to all xxxx

Hi all,

I've been really struggling lately.  Thursday was particularly bad.  I rang the counselling people to see what was happening and got so upset on the phone.  I now have an appointment Monday afternoon. 

It's Mental Health Week this week and there was a presentation about it at work.  They started off with asking everyone how they are.  Then went on to say that when asked most people will say they are ok, but perhaps we should being telling people how we really are.  Well I'm not sure that my relatively new work colleagues could actually handle my answer, so I don't think I'll be following that advice...  There were posters up everywhere about it all and yesterday I actually spent the time to read them.  Some were rather trite but some actually made sense to me.  So I suppose I had a bit of an epiphany.  I think that if I'm not careful I will sink into depression.  I really don't want that.  This week I have been debating whether to get some anti depressants.  I hate the thought of it, it's like giving in.  I know it's not really and that they have helped a lot of people but that's how I was brought up and it's hard for me to change that mindset, I suppose. What I'm trying to say is that the only person who can help me is me.  I need to get back to my list of 50 things and start doing them again.  I need to do stuff that I enjoy, that makes me happy.  I need to become me again.  So I sat down with my manager and told him exactly how I am feeling, I had a bit of a cry and sorted out my counselling.  I know that whilst my mum would completely understand how I've been, she would want me to move on and start picking up the peices of my life again.  I know that I will still have bad days but I have to push myself so that I don't start sinking again.  

We are all still suffering and our lives will never be the same.  None of us are looking forward to Christmas but perhaps we need to do something different from what we would normally have done.  I'm spending Christmas with my GS at her house.  She has never had Christmas at her house because she's always come to me or mum.  Mum never got to see my sister's new house so there are no memories of her there.  I know we will have some tears but perhaps we can also start some new traditions.

I think of you, my virtual family, most days and hope that you are coping and moving forward.  Perhaps after Christmas we could make arrangements for all of us to meet?  I would like to give each one of you a hug to say thank you. 

Sorry for the long post (and the fact that it's all me, me, me...) but I felt that I just had to write everything down.

Hugs to all.

X