Having a bad day

Hi Elenium,

Feel so much for you!!!  Can only image what you are going through and the range of highly charged emotions at both ends of the spectrum.  Really do get why you feel you can't take anymore. After my pancreatitis tried it's best to take me, then cancer 10 years later and now chronic kidney disease equally threatens in 2017-2018 - you just feel enough is enough.  The big difference in your case is that I truly believe that it is always much harder for those 'looking on' and trying to care and support their loved ones in their journey.

Please do try to make whatever time is left to be as comfortable and a remembrance of enjoyable times past for you both. It takes so much courage and I do hope you are able to dig deep for you both for the future.

If you were here you would be receiving the biggest (((man hug))) I could muster and if I could take the pain away I would.  It goes without saying that my heart goes out to you as you try to deal with this 'bar-steward' of a disease.

Please feel free to come back if you want to just vent, or talk it through. I promise to use my ears and mouth in the same ratio they were given ;-)

So so sorry to read this Elenium 

Not much I can say just we are here as much as we can be.....you and your family are in my thoughts and my broken heart broke a bit more when I read it 

Take care 

I feel sick and can't sleep.  My husband isn't really talking about it much, he tends to keep things bottled up inside.  I want to be there for him but just keep thinking about mum.  I need to focus on him and uncle but my grief for mum is overwhelming me.  Memories are whirling about in my head.  I just want it all to go away.  I tried to talk to my husband earlier and prepare him.  I don't think it will be long now.  He told me he knows and is prepared but I don't think he is.  I'm not sure that anyone can be, for this.  I don't want him to have to go through this but there is nothing I can do.  I don't know if I will be strong enough to help him through his grief, as he helped me.

Oh sweetheart, I've been here silently reading through each time a new message comes through. There have been some really good and happy times, as well as some times when the emptiness seems unbearable. I'm sure after having got to see how you've been so strong and caring before that when the time is right that strength will be there in abundance just when you need it. I feel for all of you brave warriors who fight this horrific journey, it's an easy thing to say yet so much harder to apply. Please don't let your bright light dim you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, I have faith that you're going to be there when it counts and that's all anyone could ask.

Take care sweet angels. I'm always beside you, just that you don't see me there.

Went to see uncle tonight.  He's finally accepting pain medication but no other treatment.  He's drunk nothing all day.  Husband managed to get him to eat some ice cream but had to feed him as he's so weak.  His voice is so quiet you can barely hear him.  Mum was like this towards the end. I'm so frightened that it's really not going to be much longer.  The hospital have said they're going to discharge him next week but I'm not even sure he's got that long. Horrible, horrible.

Hi Elenium so sorry your going through this xxx im going through this too with my dad.  His wish is that he passes at home which we are honouring.   Dads end of  life is very traumatic for us as we have never experienced this and dad has end of life delirium.   One minute hes giggling like a small boy the next becoming extremely violent where he attacked my sister and I and I ended up in hospital with torn ligaments in my wrist.   To then crying tonight saying he was an evil man.  It's truly heartbreaking but we know it's the cancer doing this.  We're not sure how long hes has left hes started refusing food and drink he hasn't passed urine for 3 days despite his bladder being empty on the scan.  Hes having hallucinations and he too has gone very quiet.  This truly is scarey and my heart goes out to you xxx

Hi angiem28,

I'm so sorry about your dad.  My mum passed away in February.  She wasn't violent but she did have periods where she didn't recognise people, didn't know where she was and talked about going home.  Unfortunately, she was much too poorly to go home and passed away in a nursing home.  Mum stopped eating and drinking and eventually she couldn't speak.  I'm seeing that all again with uncle and it's awful. It's awful seeing him like this but also bringing back memories of mum, which is like a double whammy!

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this too.  It's the worst days of your life, isn't it?  

Sorry that I can't help, but I do understand how you feel.  You're not on your own in this.

Sending you a big hug.

X

On my way to work.  Feel crap. Worrying about uncle and husband.  My boss is being a dick, which is isn't helping.  Just want to run away.

ditto, where shall we run away to?

(my mum died in 2008 from cancer, my dad in 2014 after a long battle with various things, my parter had advanced prostate cancer and still trying to work)

Hi all,

First of all I want to say how sorry I am to read everyone's posts. Especially yours Elenium and Jenny. Elenium, I suspect when the end comes you'll go on autopilot to help your hubby and kids through yet another traumatic time. It'll be later when your brain recognizes what you've gone through again that you may fall apart. Time for counselling methinks?

As you know, I went to Majorca for a week. My first day was quite an anxious one. I've travelled alone before and enjoy it. But I've never ever had a solo holiday. But going to Cala D'Or was the best thing I could've done. The staff on Reception treated me with such care and kindness. Big Hugs and everything. My room was our favourite, and on my birthday a lovely courtesy tray was in my room when I got back from the shops. Fresh fruit, sweeties, posh bottled water and a bottle of cava. And a handwritten note from the Manager!! They've done this before as we're regulars, but it felt even more special on my birthday. 

I went to the beach and had a swim, then placed Alan's ashes in the sand on a wall he loved to sit on and watch the world go by. Now forever more he can look out to sea, watch the goings on on the beach, admire the ladies, and if I can ever go again he'll be able to watch me snorkelling and swimming. It's in the shade of a huge pine tree so he'll never get sunburnt!! That evening I actually wore a dress and went to our fave restaurant. A Chinese place that's been there since the 70s!! I raised a glass of sangria to his empty chair and had my meal. It was hard, I won't lie. But you know? That day, and that trip have brought me such a feeling of calm. I know I can keep going while I get used to my new life without him. And whenever I feel really low I can think of him in the sun, enjoying life. 

I'll try to keep in touch more, 

Big Hugs to all

Sue xx