Having a bad day

Yantibee. So happy to read the counselling is giving you a chink of light. Hows your son doing? All the best.

I've realised tonight that I'm lonely without mum.  I know I've got my husband and children but it's not the same.  I've always spent so much time with her that I didn't see anyone else on a regular basis.  I've still got my friends and I've made loads of arrangments to meet up and I have been meeting up with them but it's just not the same.  The only relationship I have that's remotely similar is with GS but because she lives a couple of hours away I don't get to see her as often as I would like. And now she's having more problems with her anxiety she won't be able to come down to see me as much.  It just makes me very sad.

I'm still on for the service on the 20th.  I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.  I start my new job on the 15th.  I'm looking forward to it.  A fresh start.  I hope it helps.

If I could afford it I would keep mum's house Maisiemae. I understand.  I wouldn't live there but I would keep if for my daughter.  It's a shame the sale fell through. Hopefully, it won't take long to fnd another buyer.

Hope everyone is OK.

Hugs to all.

X

Hi everyone, another counselling session yesterday , left me feeling exhausted! Trying to make some sense of what has happened and trying to find out who I am without my beloved Jill is truly the most difficult thing 

My eldest is in a really bad place, racked with guilt anger and sadness but with my help and others around him hopefully he will start to ease in the fullness of time 

Hope the coming weekend is kind to you all x 

Hi all.

Elenium it's is lonely without Mum here too. Dad sis and I feel that. We can be busy. Sis and I have friends. Dad has nobody any more.

Yantibee my sister is racked with guilt too. I had tried to get her to be around more when Mum was alive. She was for the last few weeks. She regrets not stopping earlier.  I only say to her we didn't know how long she had if we had she would've stopped earlier and ignored her idiot boyfriend. 

We can only really blame cancer not ourselves that's the reality.

Hug.

Jx

Hi everyone, I've been a silent follower of this beautiful bonding of such amazing people. My brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer of the oesophagus and although we're not that close I'm scared of everything that he will have to go through.

I've ridden the rollercoaster with all of you; laughed, cried, screamed, held hands, prayed for a better day, you've become more than just words of wisdom and experience. I'm so sorry if this comes out jumbled but I feel alone and just wanted you all to know that I love each of you for everything that you are and all that you're continuing to do.

Grief is for life but in time to come the tears become smiles and the ache inside becomes like the wings of a butterfly, gently bringing a warmth to you and kissing the pain away.

I remember when I was little and my precious grandmother ( Dig) left this world, I said to my mum" she's not gone, but just stepped into another room to wait for us when it's our time she'll come to get us. She wouldn't want us to be sad, but she does understand that we hurt. If we can find one smile in each day, however small it may be, then she will look from her star and know that we are thinking of her. "

I hope for all of you that the days will be kind and that your tears and ache will become smiles and laughter. Nobody can truly know how it feels for each person as we're all so different.

please take care of each other, be kind to yourselves and dance barefoot in the sand. I love you all

Hello huggybear 

What a beautiful message I have tears rolling down my face not unusual for me since my bf and me began this very difficult journey of his brain tumour especially since I lost my beautiful Brave little boy almost two years ago that heart ache and yearning is never far away.... 

your words are so lovely I too mostly read and take comfort from people's care and experiences shared x 

Huggybear I wish I could hug you close so I'm hoping you don't mind me sending you a gentle caring (((Hug))) so you don't feel quite so alone x 

Take care Claire x 

Huggybear, what beautiful heartwrenching heartfelt poignant real truthful words. Thankyou for sharing that in some way our own openness and trust in one another has helped not only us but the silent fawns and deers also entrappedby cancer and its twisted hell it offers us. Ive stopped sanding, im clearing grit from a sandblasted wall and so im not exactly barefoot in the sand but covered in it. Thankyou for your words. What a gift xxx ps i too am sobbing with love and acceptance and gratitude for your words, sadness you feel alone but also i want to read your post to mum, she always asked after my forum friends, she knew they were/are my rocksx

Huggybear. Please join in whenever you Need. Maybe this is the point you can share your journey and we can support you x

Huggy and Claire you made me cry but I thank you for it such lovely words.

Maisiemae you made me laugh too covered in grit...

Barefoot in the sand will be nice when it's warmer.  I went barefoot when last in West Sussex. ..my toes froze.

Dad crying on phone as dreamt about Mum said they were going for tea out and she said he shouldn't drink too much because of dialysis.  He said but what's the point without you? 

I'm going back to his this afternoon to take over from sister who's off to a wedding. 

To all the readers out there at whatever stage.  We know how things can be. Lonely, anxious and vomit ridden times, having tried any and every kind of food that may work. Vile side effects and emotional and physical horrors. Family rifts and flakey friends. Heroes/heroines, delightful but rare good moments and crashing depression. 

Love to all.

Jx

Hi All,

I'm looking forward to finally meeting those of us who are going to Southwark. Unless anyone's thought of a way we can recognise each other what about we wear red scarves. The colour red & scarves have been a theme for a lot for us. Red was my Mum's favourite colour, and as she wasn't a huge jewellery wearer I would buy her a scarf for birthdays etc. She said it was a nice way to ring the changes in her wardrobe.

My day out last week was really lovely.

On Wednesday I fulfilled the last of my obligations under Alan's will. I met up with his old friend Christine, they had been a couple donkeys years ago. I hadn't told her he had left a bequest to her. I wrote the cheque & put it in a pretty card. When she opened it she said " I can't accept this from you." I said that it wasn't from me it was from Alan, and that I was more than pleased to give it to her. She'd always been a good friend to him, even after he & I got together. Her eyes filled with tears & we had to have a hug. 

I had a phone chat with my therapist and I'm seeing her in a couple of weeks. And the plans to scatter my Mum's ashes in Norwich are coming together nicely. I found a nice pub with a garden next to the river where we can say goodbye to her and then have lunch. There'll be me, my Auntie Murphy, my Aunt Dotty & Mum's cousin Ivy.

I have my down days, which we all get, and can feel quite overwhelmed with the world. 

I've come down with a cold, not a bad one fortunately. It reminded me of when I worked. I'd keep going and going, then when I was on leave I'd get sick. Friends have said the same. It's like our bodies are saying I'm going to MAKE you stop!! While I've had to keep plowing on I've done so. Now I can relax it's hit me physically.

Jenny & yantibee, I'm glad the counselling is beginning to help. I've got another 2 or 3 months before there's space for me.

Maisiemae, I'm really sorry to hear the sale fell through. It's rotten. 

I hope everyone can cope not too badly with the long weekend. Apart from being treated to a meal out this evening by Alan's brother & his lovely wife I'm just going to veg & dose up on the Lemsip.

Much Hugs

Sue xx