Having a bad day

Life is so hard for us folk with family members so poorly. No blue sky where mum is, im by her bedside in hospital, she is very slightly responsive, not really a smile - she fitted this morning at the hospital and they had to crash her chest but she is DNR so it wasnt to restart heart. She survived that. However she just told me she would like to turn over and drift off forever. She isnt looking at me. It hurts. How awful and i needing something from her at this time. I was brilliant at the fighting the nhs and doing part but this part of her journey requires me to be still and watch - watch my mums face look different, her eyes and face are different, her smell and reactions different i cant talk to her, no giggles, no smiles, just existing with tubes. Im a dog lover and i wouldnt let my beloved dog exist like this. I want to get her home soon to pass, please god, peacefully and pain free. But when she is awake she checks if we have done things for her husband, she doesnt want him to see her with her nose tube (draining her bile) nil by mouth 8!days now. There is no joy in her life now. A lot of love for her. the Sister said earlier mum was lucky to have me, i corrected her, we are

Lucky to have her. I wouldnt but id like to just gently pull a tube to let her drift off but maybe tomorrow will be different. Im here for 4 days - its hard. I want my mum back. As she doesnt seem happy to see me, ive run for trains, staying in a shitty hotel, away fromy my little family, employed someone to cover for me a bit at work to allow this time with her. My partner was great but now its not about him thats waning, all in all a dismall time. Pleased tipping point tilted to engage yr mum, and sister is helping and sorry Alan isnt having a good day. I do read posts when i can but am low myself and have little scream in me. X

Maisiemae don't worry about our posts and posting for now. Post when you want we'll be here. 

I am a doer too ...chasing gp getting drugs organising things cooking laundry cleaning shopping... But when dad nearly died last Christmas  (toxic drug given by mistake for shingles) I was a wreck and useless could only watch.....my sister was better than me at this bit.

None of our pets would be put through the same I have thought that too. Neither would I do anything. ...

Thinking of you and your Mum and Dad.

Jx

Maisiemae, I wish we could be there with you to help.  We are here for you.  Sending you and your mum hugs.

Most brilliant news that she passed wind, this means her bowel is poss going to work again after the operation. She so wants to die at home and she is still in hospital with v strict visiting times so i phoned this morning and the ward clerk went to check on her. Her msg to her daughter is 'I farted' which is music to my ears as thats a step towards them letting her home to die. Ironic really but nonetheless a wish she has long held. A very hard day yesterday. But after an exhausted sleep she is feeling less down today (im guessing that bit as she gave me the msg of wind). Off to the hospital again soon. I sat and ate alone in the hotel last night which was lovely. I managed two hours sleep. May everyone else find a little bit of light in their day today. Saw on Facebook a line from Leonard Cohen which i will share when i see it again x

How wonderful it must feel such a relief for her physically and mentally. 

Praise be to the fart.

Jx

Morphine patches not working for mum at mo.

Ugh. Bleaching a lot today bowel issues unfortunately. 

Jx

Hi all,

maisiemae, glad to hear about your mum's fart...  Never thought I would be saying that :-)

Jenny, sorry about your issues today.

I got to have a normal day today, went to see a friend and had a nice time.

Popped in to see mum and she's not been too bad today

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Okish. Been up 18 hours now.  Dad can't sleep post dialysis. 

Stairs proving near impossible for mum now. Hope patches work soon...

Hope to watch ceremony at the cenotaph tomorrow with them on telly.

Oh mum up again.

Hopefully sleep soon.

Glad you had a normal day Elenium...

Night to all.

Jx

Hi Girls,

Well, we've had another awful night. Alan talking about imaginary things. He keeps trying to get up, then gets as far as my side of the bed & needs to rest & sit down.

At this rate I'm going to have to call the doctor whether he likes it or not!! At this point I don't know if it's the codeine, or the cancer spreading or lack of food or liquid. 

No matter how I try I can't get him to drink or eat anymore.

I actually rang the Marie Curie support line yesterday. They're open on Saturdays. I think I spent the whole call blubbing. 

As much as I love Alan & don't want to lose him, I just want this to be over, for him while he has some dignity, & for me to be free of this tortuous time. 

Sorry to be so negative, but I haven't got it in me to feel anything else right now

Sue x

Hi Sue. I'm up too but just cos mum going to loo a lot and v weak.

I feel for you and Alan. I understand the wanting it to be over appalling thought to be without them but relentless pain weakness and now for Alan delerium is too unfair. 

Definitely call the doctor or ambulance if no improvement.  Probably dehydration. 

Were steroids not offered to him?

You must be exhausted.

I'd make you a cuppa if I was there.

Hug.

Jx

Ps. Knackered too.