Feelings and thoughts through bereavement

5th May 2022

Today my life changed dramatically, 

Even though I had 3yrs to prepare for this day.

My heart goes out to all people who lost a loved one or close friend through that awful disease called cancer. 

My partner of 22yrs passed away today after a harrowing 3yr battle fighting stage 4 cervical cancer. 

I never knew how a disease could take away there dignity, belief,beauty, mind and slowly eat away your inner sole and eventually shutting down your existence after 42yrs.

I found it so hard and to much to bare witness but I was there 24hrs a day for 3yrs looking after my love until that final day.

With such a disease to cope with,My partner was type 1 diabetic and insulin dependent from the age of 12.

Complications included with her illness included,

2 kidney stents in which one was failing very much at the beginning. 

Severe nerve damage in her legs which severely limited leg movement.

Permanent cathata in place which had many complications including constant infection, blockage,bag turning a light blue colour and facies passing through bag which also caused blockages.

My partner had no control of her bowels so her dignity went out the window the day her cathata was inserted. 

It was inhuman to see my partner go through this day after day.

Her final 3days will live with me for ever.

I am scarred and broken .

Life wasn't meant to go this way as I am almost 10yrs her senior. 

She missed the most important years of our sons life and I feel guilt that I witnessed mile stones in which we should have shared.

I miss her so,so much and life has not much purpose as she made life exciting as some of her ideas were so unique to her she would leave you speechless.

Well to help in my grievance I have resorted to poetry to show my feelings on a particular day.

Each poem has a meaning for me and If you connect to the poem then great .

Hope they can help someone like they've helped me. 

Lost Love

I am lost I am lonely, 

I am hurt to the core,

My life was fantastic, 

But now that's no more.

I've been left with a hole,

That no one can fill,

No woman has it all,

Like my lost love Cheryl.

I feel I've been punished,

I feel life is so wrong,

A sentence of bereavement, 

Is a punishment to strong.

I may come out stronger,

And deal with the pain,

But one thing for sure,

I can't go through this again. 

Little Meaning 

Today my life had little Meaning, 

The hurt of loss is what I am feeling,

Cheryl my love is why I'm grieving, 

The cancer that was has got me seething.

The doctors advice was missconcieving,

All the meds she was receiving, 

The second scan read she was achieving, 

That turned out to be deceiving. 

The end was near the cancer was showing,

Unknown to Cheryl her life was going,

Before I knew it my tears were flowing, 

I said my goodbyes as her breath was slowing.

And then it stopped no more knowing,

My hurt for my love will always be growing,

A lot of close friends were left not knowing,

3yrs she suffered that's 3yrs I'm owing.

What Cheryl taught us was to honour her passing,

If she saw us fools now she would dance about laughing,

Cause Cheryl was tough,

She did no complaining, 

She got on with her life,

When it had little Meaning.

Now she has left us,

Where left with a hole ,

Which can only be filled,

With her pain free sole.

I will post more as days go on .