Hi everyone,
This is my first time sharing on here. I’m 26 and I was diagnosed with colon cancer three months ago. Since the day they found the tumor it was a week and a half waiting to see what the prognosis was and if it had spread, finding a lump in my breast and another week waiting on the results of that biopsy (thankfully nothing), surgery and recovery, finding out it was stage 3 and I needed chemo, and learning that the likelihood of recurrence even after chemo for my particular profile was over 1/3.
I’m now in the middle of my second round of chemo and while overall things are not too debilitating, I feel like mentally I’m reaching a breaking point. So much has happened so fast and I was already in quite a challenging moment in my life having recently immigrated to the UK and ended a 6 year relationship.
I’m thinking back on times in my life when I felt I was at my limit, burnt out, stressed and I reached the point of being like “okay I can’t take this anymore, so however hard it is or whatever the consequences are, I have to leave this situation”. But this is a situation I can’t leave. It doesn’t matter how much of a mess I feel or whether or not I can cope or how much I feel I’m loosing touch with myself. The cancer doesn’t care and there is no escape.
I guess this is the reality of all health problems and many other challenges in life that are fully out of our control, but it’s just such a scary thought to me. I was privilidged enough to have never had to think about my health in a serious way and being so young I felt invincible. Subconsciously in my mind this was the kind of thing that happened to other people and not to me. I feel nostalgic for that sense of safety and security I wasn’t even aware of until the rug was pulled from underneath me.
I have allot to be grateful for and allot of support but the lack of agency and the sense of being trapped in the situation is really starting to take its toll. Has anyone else felt this way specifically about having no control and how have people come to terms with it?
thank you for listening :)
Hi Aoife1
I am sorry to hear that you had a diagnosis of colon cancer and are currently going through chemo. I had chemo for my endometrial cancer in 2022 and it is a tough thing to go through and I remember also feeling as if I was trapped. It can be very overwhelming and you can feel like things are happening that are out of control.
I think many of us can identify with not thinking too much about health until something comes along and knocks us sideways.
We do have a forum on here for people affected by bowel cancer and it may help to take a look and connect with others going through the same cancer and treatment.
Bowel (colon and rectal) cancer forum | Macmillan Online Community
There is also a forum for those who are currently going through chemo.
For me I found that although there were things that I felt I could not control during treatment, there were also things that I could control. Gaining some form of control in some areas helped how I was feeling overall. One way was to get information about my treatments and to connect with others experiencing the same. Having the knowledge about my treatments helped. The above links may help.
During chemo I made sure to fill in my chemo diary- it helped give back a little control and my symptoms would tend to follow a pattern. By tracking these I would know when to expect rougher days and when to expect them to pass. I would then try to plan things on the days where I knew I would likely feel a bit better. I would look forward to those days.
One way I also looked at it was that although there were challenges at the moment the treatment would at some point stop. I used to mark off the days. I took back control by thinking that I had chosen to do the treatment for the benefit of my health and that although it may make me temporarily feel unwell, it was a means to an end.
On days where I would feel overwhelmed and burnt out and I could not cope with it- I would do simple things and these would help. Going for a walk in nature, even if I did not feel like it- would help. Sitting in the garden on days where I was too unwell to do much. I found if I just stayed in and sat in the same place, I would dwell on things. I found that trying to keep some sort of routines up- eating and sleeping at the same times- resting where needed but also trying to keep up with seeing friends and family- and that's where it could help to catch up with what was happening in the outside world. I also watched a lot of rubbish tv.
Some people can find journaling can help. Whatever it is that you enjoy- try to include it in your day to day routine. I also did jigsaws on my lap top each day.
Some days it would take effort to get up, shower and dress but I always felt better if I did. I also had pampering days where I would have a soak in a bubble bath, light a candle and do my nails. Little things can make you feel a bit more human again.
Talking with others can really help but I found often I just wanted to forget the cancer for a bit and to hear about normal things and have a good gossip. There is life outside cancer and it can help to be reminded of that. I found with friends and family it could also help that I would share how I was with specific people and then others could contact them with how I was. It could feel hard work to have to update everyone all the time and the focus was then more on the cancer.
There is a course on here that I found really helpful and I will pop a link in case it is something that you feel may help. It is all online so can be done at home and it is full of little activities and suggestions that can help navigate the whole cancer journey. There is no pressure to engage and you can drop in and out when you have better days. For me it helped think about life after cancer and how to cope better.
Online HOPE programme for your patients | Macmillan Cancer Support
We do have the Macmillan Support Line and if you feel like it would help to talk things through, please do give them a call. There is someone there from 8am-8pm daily. They can also have a look to see if there is any support local to you.
I remember going through my treatments and feeling like they would never end- I went on to have radiotherapy after my chemo - and it can help to break things down and focus on one day and one cycle at a time.
I hope this helps a bit.
Please do get in touch if there is anything you need.
Jane
Hi Aoife1
I am sorry you are going through treatment for bowel cancer, especially at such a young age. I don’t have direct experience to offer as my cancer is a form of breast cancer, but I have been through the treatment treadmill twice now. Of course it’s all going to take its toll on you even if you feel you are dealing with the treatment well on a day by day basis. You might like to join the Bowel (colon and rectal) cancer forum to exchange thoughts with others who are going through this. Wishing you all the best with your treatment.
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
I am a Macmillan volunteer.
I have metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer, in remission
