We found out recently that mum has pancreatic cancer that's spread to the liver. She's been given just under a year maximum but worse case scenario is days/weeks. There were no symptoms, not until it was too late and it's left the family reeling. Dad is just about holding it together, but he's absolutely broken and bereft by the diagnosis. I am worried about how he will cope without her.
My siblings are dealing with the news in their own way but the sadness and devastation of it all has hit hard and is a struggle to process.
I find myself going between absolute anger, devastation, and shock. Anger is the main emotion I'm feeling; it's just pure rage at what we are going to lose. She was our constant, the one we all ran to when things got too tough or too much, the one that was always available to talk and give sound advice. She was astute, read people/situations perfectly and always called us out on our sh*t. She always saw the bigger picture and didn't beat around the bush and I know the moment she is gone everything changes, a massive part of my identity is gone. Her presence will cease to exist and we have got to find a way forward without her and none of us are ready for that.
Mum wants us all to carry on as normal and I just don't know how to, I feel like I'm in a nightmare alternate reality which I want to desperately wake up from. Why did it have to be her? There are so many other people that have been absolutely awful and crap human beings that are living a healthy life to 90+, and we are going to lose the biggest person in our life and she is too young to leave us all this soon. They've told her the cancer is inoperable, it's too far gone. I was praying there would be a magic fix where one of us would be a match and we could donate part of our liver and she could recover. Even if it was a long hard road, just having her around for extra years would be worth it.
Also I have a daughter and I'm desperately trying to hold it together, she is aware mum is sick, she doesn't know that mum will die and I don't know how to break it to her when it gets worse. She only has two grandparents (mum and dad) and she adores them both, to lose one of them when she is so little is horrific.
I'm dreading returning to work, I don't know how I will keep it together. If I'm not angry I'm just crying and if someone asks me how I am I just know I'll crumple. Those at work that know have been really supportive, faultless currently.
I'm aware this all sounds incredibly selfish, but the entire world seems getting bleaker and bleaker whilst imploding and I don't think I can cope or deal with it. How do I get rid of this anger because it is eating away at me and I need to be there for mum, dad my siblings and my daughter.
I'm getting some therapy through work and seeing one privately.
