Just want someone to talk to

Hi, I am Sarah I am 20. 

6 months ago I met my best friend and we hit it off straight away and haven’t gone a day without talking ever since! I feel like he is my soul mate because I’ve never felt a connection like this with anyone else in my life. We fell in love with each other and I had never been so happy. We were at the start of an amazing relationship and had so many great plans then cancer happened. I feels like it was only yesterday we were sat in the pub having a drink and giggling our heads of. 

October he started getting quite bad back pain and after numerous visits to the doctor and A&E I think he was just given pain medication and went to pysiotheraphy. He went to an ultrasound which found something on his liver but they didn’t know what it was and to be honest I haven’t had much detail since. I wasn’t until January 24 the next day he was diagnosed with cancer. He didn’t tell me straight away because I knew he would want to tell me in person but I became aware when I said it better not be cancer and he didn’t say anything. 

Since then he has found out his cancer is terminal which has broke me in pieces as he’s only 34 years old. He had he whole life ahead of him, a great career, house, amazing friends. I feel so angry that I’ve only known him for 6 months. I know I shouldn’t be angry and he wouldn’t want me to be angry as he accepts his fate now.  From what he’s said to me he had a tumour in his Sacrum (bottom of spine) and liver metastasis. They can’t operate as it would be too difficult procedure that would cause problems. So his options are limited. I don’t know much because I chose not to know. My ex boyfriend had Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma at 21 years old and I had to deal with that luckily he’s in remission for 3 years. Who’da thought I’d fall in love with someone else and it would be the same. I don’t understand I feel like I carry a curse or am being punished??? 

My heart is breaking because I haven’t seen him since he was diagnosed as he’s been in and out of hospital with chemo and radiation. We still talk everyday and I am more than grateful that I still get to have a morning message from him as I know one day I’ll wake up and there will be nothing and I can’t bare the thought. 

My main issue I have at the minute is as he’s kind of getting to know where his good days are with chemo he wants to meet me for coffee. I would absolutely love to see him but I am sooooo terrified because I haven’t seen him since being diagnosed, he won’t have any hair (I know that doesn’t change him as a person but it’s scary when you’re not used to it) I am scared I’m gonna break down and cry because I love him more than anything in the world and looking at him now knowing how long he’s got left will hurt me. I am sorry I am crying whilst typing this but I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I kept him a secret from my friends and family. They can see I am sad but don’t know why. 

I’d appreciate having someone in a similar situation to talk to as I have no one else. 

Sarah