why so emotional and down when i'm almost beating this 'thing'?

Hi H, you're very welcome.

for your info i'm 54 so not a million miles away from him.

Before my cancer I was also very successful in online commerce, literally making millions.  I did that through something that i and many others call 'drive'  I was very driven for years.

Cancer takes away your drive because what you were working towards suddenly becomes rather trivial.

The way i've been working back to a 'normal' life is by finding something that drives me again.  In business it almost runs itself because i set staff on in another country to handle it for me and i'm happy to leave that be. Before i was working 16 hours a day 7 days a week - i don't want to go back to that because it's just giving your life away for money. you only need so much.

However success was something that drove me so i've been working on another business project. that's what has 'bought me back' I have self esteem, pride and a feeling that i'm going somewhere.

I recognise that when you are 'driven' that it's the first thing you think about when you awake and the last thing on your mind before you sleep.  being driven that way makes you continue to put one foot in front of the other and just keep going.  That is working for me.

Not everyone has this 'driven' personality but it sounds from your reply that your husband has - if he's respected and successful in work then he will have been driven.  you just dont get that way without drive. Most are just happy to go to work mon-fri, take the paycheck and a week in Majorca and they're happy. - nothing wrong with that of course, but it's not good for someone who is a driver to face that.

If this does sound like him then i'd like to make a suggestion.

To get back to life he needs a drive - but someone else has to give him a reason.

you say that work are in no rush for him to return etc.  I don't think this is doing him any good.

Can i suggest that you get in touch with work and get them to giddy him along.  he needs to feel needed and not humoured.  get them to tell him that they are struggling without him and ask if he could do just a few hours to start with.  but tell them to properly work him and not give him work 'just for the sake of it' - because he will know.

Put him to work, get his drive back for feeling useful and getting self esteem and I believe that everything else may just fall into place in the rest of his life.

A driven man needs to be more than a husband and father - he needs to be MORE.

feel free to ignore this if it doesn't feel right to you. but from your reply above he sounds more like me.  if it were me (and it is) this is what would work (and is)

By the way, if there's a chance of seeing this online then we should delete and continue by private message or email.

I truly hope that i'm helping you and i'm sending very warm thoughts your way.

Hi Soultrader

Thank you again for the good advice. You’re exactly right about my husband, he was very driven and very tenacious and ambitious.  I think the cancer and the treatment have really knocked his confidence for the first time in his life very badly.  He has v v little cancer in his family, non in his immediate family and was always quite confident in his body and his health. He didn’t drink v much at all and worked out a lot, he looked pretty good for a man his age.

I think getting some serious work done would really benefit him.  The problem he has at the moment is chemo brain, where he can’t even focus enough read a newspaper. His work is quite intellectually challenging, as well as being an environment in which confidence ( or the outward appearance of it and that whole image) is almost mandatory! 

I will see if he can start little by little from home. We are in the same industry and I will start suggesting he gets onto his systems just to chat to me on line rather than on the phone. As his chemo fog lifts, I may then talk to his work about setting him some work.  They are a US firm and V correct and above board in everything they do, so not sure they will do anything without his say so but I will try.

I will let you know how we get on.  I can’t wait to leav3 this awful year behind us!

H x

I bet you can't H

you have an advantage though in working in the same industry - at least you understand what he needs to be able to do his job.

I truly wish the best for you and your hubby to get through this together.  it's hard for both sides and often both sides turn a little introvert without realising it.

sending you both lots of love and hope - I won't pray for you cos i don't believe in all that god crap but i will be thinking of you often in the weeks ahead.  Please do keep in touch and ask me anything you like. i'm here for you

xx

Hey H.  two years on now for both of us.  The lockdown got me into a dark place again and i came visiting here - how are you?  hope you reply.