Chemo cloud of gloom!!!!

Hi,  I posted this on the emotional section bit was advised It would be better on here so here it is!

I’ve thought long and hard before posting on here, but I think I need to if only to offload, so please scroll past.

This chemo cloud of doom and gloom is doing my head in! It seems to have settled permanently overhead and won’t shift. I’m normally quite an upbeat and positive person but now I just want to cry and pull the duvet over my head - of course I don’t, nor do I let on about how I feel. I’m the one who has to have it all together, I haven’t cried once since my diagnosis,  I’ve been too busy downplaying things so as not to upset people which means people don’t really know how to act if I show a chink or 2 or 3, I have tried, hubby just said it’ll go away and others avoided me for a while!  Everyone has more than enough to worry about without me adding to them.

I have no support, no cancer nurse etc. I rang the gp yesterday and he said he would get in touch with the local hospice to see what they offer, but I’m not terminally ill and I don’t want to take resources away from those who really need them. Then he told me to keep going - thanks! I’ve also spoke to a nurse on another helpline who really was lovely, and I did feel better once I’d spoke to her but still  no answers as to how to make these feelings go away.

I did think it was the steroids, as in they make me hungry so I eat - put weight on- feel bad! Plus once the hyperactivity stops it’s a real slump. So I don’t take them unless it’s pre chemo and then not the full dose, the eating, hyperactivity and not sleeping has stopped and I’ve had no nausea or inflammation at all, my bloods are better than they were before chemo so I know it’s nothing physical, just me going a bit mental I think.

But this cloud is taking all the joy and light away, all the positivity I had, all my plans etc. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to feel or do about it.

Turned into a longer post than I thought,  just ignore me!