Advice on doing the right thing, if there is such a thing

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Hi all

My hubby has recently been told he’s incurable. He is someone who has always been able to switch things off, well apart from when his football team loses, but obviously this is different.

He would be described as pragmatic. He’s active, very positive and very laid back, but  here’s the thing, he should be starting chemo shortly to hopefully work it’s magic but he talks of putting it off till January so he can firstly fly up to Manchester to have a Christmas meal with ex colleagues (great, something to look forward to) and secondly have a drink over Christmas. 

He’s acting like nothing is wrong with him, our daughter goes from anger to tears, but never near her dad, but is spending hours researching things to help him. His brother, to whom he’s very close, finds it difficult to understand, and he’s experienced all this, as my sister in law has had breast cancer twice.  As for me, of course I want him to be positive and support him with his choices but part of me wants to give him a kick up the backside and tell him to start chemo as soon as, this is his life.

In my defence, I’m juggling a lot, hubby of course, supporting daughter with ongoing child visitation with an abusive ex and relocating to the south west. Actually been asked to complete in 7 days, no chance, actually all this has been quite distracting, which is good but I’ve got this bloody awful cough hence I’m awake and 3 year old granddaughter will no doubt be running around soon full of the joys of Christmas 

Just not sure how to help him, do we let him live in his bubble?

Sorry this turned into war & peace

BudgeHugging

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    The short answer to a long question is 'yes'.

    why do I say that? Well, firstly and most basically, you don't really have a choice. Your husband as an adult patient , in his right mind, is the only person whose decisions the doctors will accept. You can only achieve your aim of making him start treatment when you want, rather than when he wants, is by persuading him. It sounds as if you have given that your best shot, and you have not succeeded. Anything further runs the risk of causing trouble between you.

    Ii have a principle which I have tried to stick to through the six years    and  the many treatments and operations which my husband has undergone: that we should try to give people what they want (unless it is actively harmful or illegal) , not what we think they should want, or even what we would want in their place. 

    Your husband has thought about,  and just as important, felt about how he is going to go onwards. He wants to enjoy what he perhaps suspects is his last Christmas. Well, why not? It might be said that he is being an ostrich, and ignoring the word 'incurable ' . If that's the case, why shouldn't he? If that's how he is coping with that terrible word. Or maybe he is facing it with courage and cheerfulness and a refusal to give in and just become a patient. To be honest, he sounds like a brave and stoic man, someone to be proud to call husband.

    finally, if by some horrid chance , one in a thousand maybe but still a possibility, he has an adverse reaction to the chemo and spends Christmas in hospital, how are you all going to feel? People on this forum have written about being blamed for encouraging their cared for into a decision which has had adverse effects, unjustly perhaps, but that's not much consolation.

    take a deep breath, and let it go. Let him go and have a good time,,with your blessing. You've got plenty of other things to worry about! I hope with all my heart that you can get through these hard times in peace and harmony.

    xxxNiobe