How to care for my dad

FormerMember
FormerMember
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My Dad was diagnosed with CUP 2 weeks ago. He spent a week in hospital whilst they sorted pain relief arranged scans and reffered him to oncology. He stayed with me and my family for a week but it quickly became apparent he wasn't coping with the pain or able to complete simple tasks for himself he was in too much pain to wash. After he couldn't catch his breath after taking him for blood tests on Thursday and him being distressed with the pain we took him to hospital. They advised that a bone biopsy they had scheduled for this Monday would no longer be pertinent the oncologist feels that all the trouble he has had this last week is just the disease progressing and its time to just think in Terms of pain management and getting his affairs in order to which he has not done anything towards despite having bladder cancer last year. We haven't been given any idea of what to expect as things progress or how quickly it might. The discussion seems to revolve around getting his pain sorted to he can come home to me. I don't feel thats realistic I have 3 children aged 8 down to 2 and only an upstairs bathroom and no space anywhere for an extra bed. I want to care for him but if he is deteriorating at such a rate I don't know how I will do it or where to go for help. Has anyone else been in this situation. I feel so lost and guilty, frustrated and so sad. Sorry long post! 

Helpingmydad87 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

     Hi there, so sorry to hear about your Dad. Such devastating news to be given in such a short time frame time .....no wonder you are reeling. My Dad has also been diagnosed with advanced cancer and only palliative care is on offer. This has happened just in the last month so like you I have felt all the emotions you describe - including sheer terror that I might be expected to provide care for him at home and that it would not be practical or indeed the best solution for him or me in terms of the care he will need. I am still finding my way in all of this however I since we got the news that they could not treat the cancer, we have had a nurse at the hospital get in touch to tell us about the support she can offer and Dads gp has referred him to the local hospice and McMillan nurse service. So it would appear support is there...

    if you feel the hospital is just making the assumption that your Dad will come and live with you, you need to tell them that your Dad had only come to live with you on a temporary basis, that it is not possible for you to take on full time caring for him and they need to look at alternatives or ways to support him living at home. The hospital should have a social worker and occupational therapist who will be able to assess his needs and make recommendations. So far my Dad has had a community alarm installed and has been offered community meals. As his illness progresses more support will be needed and probably hospice or hospital care. It’s all really sad  I know.

    Please do not go feeling guilty. As a good loving daughter you will want to ensure your Dad has the care he needs, however that doesn’t mean it has to be you who provides that care.  You have young children and they have to be your priority.

    I am not very far along the way in my experience. I am sure others will have more to contribute and more practical suggestions.

    wishing you well and sending a virtual Hugging xx