I have been told by the psych and medics that I have compassion/carer fatigue. Not such great news when you are battling through each day trying to stay on top of things and failing. My husband has prostate cancer which isn’t, in itself the problem, the problem is the spread to his spinal cord, meaning he cannot walk, needs a catheter and carers to help me with his personal care needs. He also has heart failure and , lymphoedema.
When he was diagnosed 18 months ago I was told he wouldn’t survive for mote than three months. I prepared myself for that, nine months on he became very unwell with infection and I was told this time he really wouldn’t survive more than three to six months. Again I prepared myself to manage for this time and accept the end was coming. I know this probably sounds awful, but I am now living in limbo land. I am delighted that my husband is still alive and at home but at the same time I am extremely exhausted from all the demands of being his full time carer. He is extremely demanding of me, always was even before his diagnosis, he knows which buttons to press to get my attention and plays the poorly patient to the fullest extent.
sometimes I just want to walk out of the door and not come back. Even now he is calling me because he can see the light my iPad is emitting as I am writing this note. He wants to know what I am doing-who am I talking to? He is so overwhelming possessive at times.
I don’t know what I am actually talking about anymore. I’m living in a dream world with no end in sight.I pray to my God for help and guidance and peace for my husband but God isn’t listening. I feel so sad.
