Hi,
My mother is 83 and has been found to have signs of advanced peritoneal cancer on her CT scan. I have a medical background and she gave me her records to see what was going on. The doctors have not yet communicated a full diagnosis to my parents, but I have been speaking one to one with a cancer nurse to ensure I have details and can help them.
The medical care team have been very conservative in what they have communicated to her and my father thus far and my mum has some early signs of dementia. I have been aware that she has been on a gynae cancer 2 week referral from her records & her CA125 was elevated, but the first time she heard the word cancer was Friday.
She needed to have 11 litres of fluid drained from her abdomen Friday as she has ascites, but they are unsure if this is a primary tumour or secondary of unknown origin (probable ovarian, uterine or bladder). She has progressive multiple sclerosis since 2001, diabetes, hypertension, hypercholesterolaemia & thyroid treatment. Her mobility and continence is virtually non existent due to her MS. When I saw her yesterday, it looked as if the fluid was already accumulating again and my dad told me the surgeon said it was unlikely they would recommend surgery.
I feel devastated, overwhelmed and like I’m already grieving. What id like is some advice on two things:
1. I believe the doctors will either recommend chemotherapy or more likely pallative treatment. My parents remain optimistic and while I have directed them to resources on the condition, I don’t think either of them are aware of or can comprehend how severe and rapid her decline might be. My dad is still talking about ‘when she’s recovered’. I don’t know whether it is better to talk to my dad about the realistic possibility that this diagnosis is terminal or to support them in remaining hopeful and optimistic, as I think the alternative is too devastating. His best friend died of terminal cancer less than a month ago.
2. my sister works as a nurse caring for the elderly. Her solutions are to provide practical advice and action, such as setting up downstairs bed for my mum. My parents are finding this too fast and overwhelming and her approach is too much for them. They aren’t ready to face this yet and they have communicated it to her, but it is not going in. My sister is much older than me & my dad is her stepdad. She can be quite emotionally volatile so I don’t know how the most tactful way is to ask her not to do these things yet because it is upsetting them so much. Any advice is welcomed. All I want is that this period causes my mum and dad the least distress possible.
Hi Xtu2
Welcome to our community, I hope you find it both informative and supportive.
Sorry to hear about your mum it does sound so challenging with so much going on and from experience I know how challenging that can be with different doctors covering diffierent issues. Often of coruse the reason the doctors might seem to be conservative is that things are sometimes not clear cut.
It is good that your sister wants to help, could you perhaps discuss what she can do and that might deflect from her other plans and perhaps have the downstairs bed on hold for now. When my wife came out of hospital after her sepsis we needed a downstairs bed for a few weeks but she was desparate to get back upstairs as soon as possible.
You mention that feeling of "already greiving" and that is something very common. Perhaps some of the tips in our coping with anticipatory grief might be helpful for you.
<<hugs>>
Steve
