Hi. I’m struggling as a carer for my husband who is on chemo for oesophageal cancer. He also suffers from lack of mobility, and is very dependant on me - in fact he almost refuses to do anything, even things he should be capable of doing (another frustration!). The dynamics of our relationship have completely changed. While my whole life revolves around caring for him now, at the same time there is an unspoken atmosphere that I am in some way failing. It’s like I have become the parent, and he resents that. However, the main reason that I wanted to post was that I’m feeling really frustrated, and quite frankly angry, today over an argument that we had last night resulting from a misunderstanding. Normally in our relationship arguments are resolved pretty quickly. We both vent our frustration and move on. However, yesterday’s fall out is still in full swing today, and I’m just really cross because it was over something so small and unimportant. There is an underlying issue though, and I wonder if anyone else has experienced this. Since his diagnosis and treatment I have noticed that my husband often doesn’t seem to really make sense in what he says. This ranges from small stuff, for example he seems incapable of giving me straight answers to basic questions these days, his answers often are vague or noncommittal, which isn’t very helpful when you’re trying to give him medication etc, to bigger stuff like falling out with friends for no apparent reason, or talking about the future, wills and funerals etc (bleak, but subjects he brings up). When he says things that I can’t compute I try to be calm and get clarification, but he then gets irritated with me, accusing me of being deaf (I do have very slight hearing loss), or not listening, or being picky. This morning I’m accused of being a bully! I totally get that probably he doesn’t really mean these things, but it’s very hard in the moment to stay calm and keep smiling, especially when I’m feeling sleep deprived myself. The thing that exacerbates this is that I can’t just have time out, I HAVE to be there to provide him with food and medication, to help him get washed and dressed, to empty his pee bottles and commode etc etc. we have 2 small dogs, so I use walking time to get a bit of perspective, but most of the time I’m on an endless round of caring duties and household chores. Sometimes I feel that I’m becoming some sort of downtrodden household drudge. Everything has become very tense, and we can’t seem to talk about anything without it turning into an argument. Help!
Yes, I’m another in a similar situation. My husband has become less and less helpful in our house. I am also disabled by severe arthritis and fibromyalgia and have chronic pain, but he has cancer and nothing can top that! Oh no, cancer beats everything hands down! He isn’t unkind, just lazy around the house n does nothing much.
You need some respite. Is none available to give you a break and help him see how much you do for him. This seems to be a common situation, i
We need some support. What can we do?
Good luck all n best wishes
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