Today’s a not good day

Thank you :-)

Thank you so much for sharing this. Its so good to know i'm not the only one going through this and having the feelings you mentioned some really ring a bell. My husband is going through bowel cancer treatment but is currently in recovery from developing sepsis at the beginning of this year. We are a bit in `limbo` at the moment and his chemotherapy treatment had to stop due to the sepsis and that the chemotherapy had caused damage to his kidneys. Everyday I wake up just now and just know the day will be the same as the one before and the one before that etc etc. Everyday is just like `groundhog day` just now and nothing seems to move or change. This time last year we were just gettting our lives back on track after he went in in January last year (2022) to have his tumour cut out. Everything went really well and they got it all and margins were clear. I asked at one of his post surgery appointments if he would need any further precautionary chemo or radiotherapy  incase there was anything still lingering but was told this wasn't necessary. Five months down the line and yes, it was back. I felt very bitter about the whole thing because I feel even if not needed and done as a precaution, the chemotherapy may have done away with stray cells that were obviously still there but too small to be picked up on a CT scan and so were left to form again. My husband's cancer is now `metastatic` at one of his consultations he told he had a spread to his pelvis and lung, but for some reason they were not too concerned about the spread to the lung it's more in his peritoneum. He has since had a nephrostomy procedure for his kidneys and now needs to wear a bag either side of his back to collect urine draining from his kidneys and also has a urinary catheter and stoma bag. He broke down the other day saying he is totally fed up with (excuse me) lying in piss and smelling piss and how it wouldn't take much just to finish himself off. He tried to commit suicide 4 years ago due to overwork just before he retired Then after he retired he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes which we were able to work on but then Covid happened and everything closed down and shortly after that at the end of 2020 his cancer problems surfaced which we were told by his surgeon the tumour was dormant for 4 years previous without showing symptoms so he had been walking around with it and didn't know just when his `toilet habits` began to change it was brought to light through a colonoscopy but at the time was luckily treatable and removeable as it was localised. This gave us hope and relief at the same time. He also has a discharge coming from his back passage due to having the bowel resection procedure.  I just long for brighter days ahead as the dark days have been never ending recently and hopefully he will be here for some time to come. 

Hi Patty, 

Thank you so much for replying and for sharing your very difficult time. As you say, it is some comfort to know others can empathise to some extent even if our journeys are different. It sounds like this has been utterly relentless. I do hope you’re being kind to yourself, giving yourself time. As carers we just want to take the pain and suffering away but of course we can’t. I have all this to face so I know I’ll have to draw on huge resources of energy and strength but can only be me. Remember to give yourself love as well as to your loved one. You are incredible and you are not alone despite feeling the loneliness of this terrible disease. Much love and hugs xx

Bless you Flyme! Thank you for your kind words. 

xx