Still In Shock!

Hi everyone!

As you can all imagine at my news yesterday, I am still very much in shock. Tried to ring my GP this morning to see if I could get my medication altered or changed as I feel at this moment in time I am really struggling. They are still doing a call back system where the GP phones you at home but unfortunately no appointments until Monday and even then, I need to call back then to arrange one. I am on fluoxetine for depression I have been on these tablets for a number of years, and they work. When Jay got his first cancer diagnosis the GP upped my medication because I was struggling at that time too. I have sharp pains in my chest and upper back, and I know that is down to stress and anxiety. It's getting to the stage again I just do not want to face people just now. My sister usually comes along to us today for lunch and I just really want to put her off but Jay is telling me to let her come and we need to carry on as normal as possible. My mouth feels really dry too and I've gone back to feeling I just do not want to eat. Jay wants to go over to our caravan tomorrow just to get away, but I really don't want to go there either. It's as if I don't want to be here but don't want to be anywhere else either. This is upsetting him because I know I am supposed to be the one supporting him but just can't. I still have one million and one questions running around my head like what kind of treatment they will try Jay with next if they can. I've have been looking up this online and there is something called palliative chemotherapy palliative instantly means end-of-life treatment, but it says this is what people associate it with but it's not always the case and this is used when all other treatments are exhausted. The treatment they say can be given for what I take now is metastatic or advanced bowel cancer, will be chemotherapy not for the goal of a cure, but to hopefully shrink the cancer right back which I thought was the idea of the CAPOX. Today he should have been starting his 5th CAPOX cycle and that's so hard to accept. I hardly slept at all last night but don't feel tired at all and it's as if I am just on `auto-pilot`. We're starting to `nip` at each other now more so on my part with how I am and Jay is starting to lose his temper with me. I can't keep running to the phone every five minutes to speak to the Macmillan helpline I know I need to try to do this on my own somehow but just now, I'm finding it very hard. Thanks

Vicky x