Mum's got terminal secondary liver cancer and I'm trying to cope caring for her with a new brain injury of my own

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She was getting frail for around a year and they discovered severe diverticulitis and a bowel to bladder fistula which caused superbugs and sepsis. They operated 6 months ago and gave her a stoma bag. But her gp had a hunch about mums weightloss and ordered a scan which showed the 3 tumours all 2.5 mm on the liver spread out. They told her it was terminal. They have not been able to find the primary and mum has a severe phobia of needles. They want to do a liver biopsy on Monday and she's making herself ill. She's now said she's only doing it so not to let ppl down but doesn't see the point as she's not taking chemo to be ill on her last months. I'm a nurse and I see where she's coming from, why should she spend her last months terrified of her lifelong phobia. I told her she doesn't need to do anything if she doesn't want to. Am I doing the right thing as she said if she didn't have a phobia she would probably do it. I'm questioning myself as I have a brain injury from covid I had in March 2020 and the nurse in me is no good when it's my mum cos obviously I want her diagnosis to be wrong 

  • Hi

    So sorry to hear about your mum, it does sound like she has been through such a lot, needle phobia is not fun.

    The decision as to do chemo or not is a very personal one with the balance between the benefit that might come and the struggle that it might be too. My wife's first chemo had some quite significant down sides.

    I am sure if the only issue was the needles that the oncology team would have looked at alternatives such as a picc line.

    One thing that really helped me was doing a living with less stress course. Learning to appreciate little things on a day to day basis and when bad days do happen having the skills to cope - transcendental meditation though is still not for me.

    Well done for coming here and sharing, it can be amazing even with just typing to complete strangers how it can help us fell less alone.

    <<hugs>>

    Steve

    Community Champion Badge

  • Thanks so much for that Steve, I felt really alone in my feelings until this forum. People think because I'm a nurse I know everything lol. I have a speciality but it's not cancer. I thought all the grief feelings were wrong, premature and selfish. She has agreed to go into hospital on Monday to discuss some of what you said about pros and cons to any treatments or invasive tests. She may walk out she said but if its informed decision I'm OK with that. Its her life and her death. I thought I was being a bad daughter by letting her give up, but it's not giving up and she's asked me to let her go Pensive Pensive. I'm scared, terrified and it hurts to see her sscared.But needs to be what she wants. Brenda