Struggling with the change of person

Hi Minney

I hope you are better now. I am not native British, so excuse me my English. But I hear you! And I really feel for you. You are in a big crisis of your life, everything has changes and seems that you are with the same person, but it doesn’t look familiar anymore.

In the last 2 years my husband had 2 cancers (non-Hodgkin and skin cancer). We thought that he is getting the 3^rd one this summer. My emotions got me so high that I asked to drive outside the town to the fields. I screamed as loud as I could & I vomited. My emotions and hopelessness got me that high. It is not easy to accept that your person and life probably will never be the same. I do not have the magic answer, but day by day I got to the point where I started to accept the situation. The same process happened with my husband. We both struggled, but after 2.5 years when he got better and we came up with a plan to build a cabin and plant a forest. We got a plot of land. We do not rush, we do not have enough money nor energy but it is something new, something to hold on, some new experiences. It doesn’t even matter if we will finish it, but it brings strength.

It will not be easy, but maybe try to create new moments and memories together, doesn’t matter how big or small. It can be a movie night on a couch or a weekend trip to the seaside…you know your situation the best and probably you know what is available or achievable. Also it is very good talking to therapists as they are professionals and has skills to help.

Hi Minney

You have described exactly what I’m going through! Although I’m sad to read it, knowing I’m not alone somehow helps.

 My husband had stomach cancer in 2019 and was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in March 2021 and told he had 6-12 months to live.  He’s had 18 weeks of palliative cancer which really took its toll on him and left him painfully thin and with no energy.  Since then he just sits in the house and sleeps with little interest in life or family.  I’m doing everything in the house and looking after my 2 sons, plus working full-time and I’m exhausted physically and mentally.   I know he’s understandably angry at the world but it all gets taken out on me as I’m there 24/7.  He’s aware of this as we’ve been going to Maggies for support and this provides a safe place to surface these problems.  I’d recommend you try to do this too if you have a Maggies or an alternative nearby.  

Some days I really struggle and that’s when I have a few coping mechanisms which help - mainly getting out the house for a little while with a friend or just taking the dog for a walk. Anything really just to have sometime doing something “normal” as cancer can take over your life at times.  Have you got someone you can speak to or message for support when you’re really low? I’ve also called Macmillans when I’m at my lowest and that’s been a real help. Somehow saying things out loud helps.   I’ve also done a Managing Stress for Carers course which has helped me focus on and enjoy the present, rather than constantly thinking about the future 

Take care and be kind to yourself. I’m sure your boyfriend appreciates you but is venting all his frustrations at you because you’re there.  Apparently it’s very common, but that’s no comfort when you’re on the receiving end.   Best wishes

I totally get this !  We had the biggest argument yesterday we’ve ever had and now I feel so bad today  I feel everyone else gets his good moods and I’m the one who gets the rubbish side it’s heartbreaking from both our sides . 
in front of everyone he says I’m and getting on with it and being positive but then I’m the one that gets the other person thats just sitting around waiting to die ( or that’s how I feel ) . I have to sort everything and try and keep working, I’m tired , I’m irritable, emotional. I’m trying hard not to burden anyone and just pretend I’m fine , this journey is far from easy is it x 

Hi Minney

I am so sorry you are going through this with your boyfriend . I completely understand how you feel in this situation as I am going through the same thing with my husband.

My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma in his tonsil/base of tongue in May this year.  He finished his Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy 4 months ago and had been recovering well.  Unfortunately his recent PET scan has flagged up something in his throat and also now  his colon too.   Since this is being investigated by his cancer team he has completely changed personality.  He is so snappy and everything  I do now he finds fault with.  He is like a completely different person and I know it is because he is scared. 

I find my only way to escape for a while is to get out of the house by taking my dog for a walk.  Also following advice from my employer (I work from home since my husband's diagnosis for the NHS in Mental Health Services) I have recently started a new hobby of drawing pet portraits which is something I always wanted to do.   I have found both distractions  really help me cope my situation. 

I really hope things get better for you soon and remember you are not alone.  Lots of people on here will be going through this and  understand what you are going through.  Sending you a virtual hug. 

Caroline 

I've just read your post and I do understand my hubby got gullet cancer he never been happy chappy but he do nasty and horrible to me sometimes so you not on your own. sometimes I have just walk away or go into another room. I myself have struggling for months I thoughts after he had been in ICU where he nearly died he might be different but no he worse so I do feel gir you. It's like the person you knew has gone and there nothing you can do to fix it just remember you are not alone there are other in same position  hope things get bit better for you xx

Hi there,

Gosh I really think you have been writing about my life with my husband at present. I just can’t do anything right, I talk too loud, I drive too fast, my touch can’t be tolerated, I think I even blink too loudly. I’ve just collected him from hospital after 11 days of not hearing his voice or seeing him- I missed him so much but he’s home and in bed, not wanting me when all I want to do is hold him. His presence only makes me miss him more- I want my husband back. 

It's nice to know you in same boat as me my hubby was in hospital 3weeks and since he home still nasty I really thnk my hubby gone cancer had taken him he was always grumpy but now he nasty aswell hope it improves for you and you get through Christmas I'm not looking forward to Christmas at all  the way things are and coz he on food peg he can't eat or drink which makes things worse I'm not even doing turkey do going be hard day hope yours is better xx

Hi Monnet and all others who posted,

• I'm so glad I read this.  Please know you are not alone in your struggles.  Being a carer is very lonely, especially with the added threat of covid and social mixing.  My husband was diagnosed end of 2019 with stage 1 bowel cancer.  After surgery that turned into terminal stage 4 liver cancer.  After 2 major surgeries cancer is now back and also in his spine and lungs.  He is young and so am I raising our 3 young children.  It has been such a difficult roller coaster.  I have hope something good will come from this.  I don't know what or when, but I am trusting that feeling.  In order to cope and not go down the rabbit hole of depression with him, I exercise 3 times a week, go for walks, meditate on calm app, write in my journal, listen to Pedre B Hellend music on YouTube, find joy in each day, daily gratitude and pray.  I just started listening to a podcast called Everything Happens by Kate Bowler.  She was diagnosed with terminal cancer at age 35 and talks to different people basically about how life takes us in completely different directions that we had planned.  I do all of this and still feel overwhelmined and angry during the days.  I feel for you and sending you all a virtual hug and all the strength to get through this horrendous challenge.

*Minney sorry autocorrect on my phone!

Hello to all on here, this is all too familiar for me as well but reading this does help and I realise that my experiences and feelings are understandable and not uncommon.

My wife of 4 weeks was diagnosed with stage IV mucosal melanoma almost 3 years ago. She has been amazing and has coped so well. It now seems that we are running out of options rapidly.

She has spent over 200 days as an in-patient since her diagnosis for operations, treatments and side effects. She is increasingly taking it out on me and i am feeling undervalued and constantly criticised. It feels like i am being watched and my every word or reaction scrutinised and if it is not what she wants then i am told in no uncertain terms.

The other day I lost it with her after she seemingly refused to treat me with civility. I know I overstepped the mark but it was a straw breaking the camels back!

She is unwilling to accept any apologies from me (and they have been numerous) and is 'shocked and appalled' but does not see that it was one of those red mist moments and her behaviour over long periods has eventually led me to this.

Being together without seeing other friends due to Covid risks has very much added to the situation. I am struggling to manage, I am going through this as well and she, as many others we care for, need to take their own anger and fears out, i just wish it was not so regularly pointed towards me.

I know this is the cancer and not really her but it effects both of us.

Thanks for sharing your experiences.