My first time reaching out to this group and sharing our story. My husband has terminal stage 4 oesophagus cancer. He is such an inspiration, so strong and has faced his chemo, radiotherapy and immunotherapy head on is such a brave courageous guy who always has a smile for everyone however he is feeling. He is a fighter through and through from the initial 3 months to get your affairs in order to today has told me it’s 1000 days since his diagnosis. Initially in denial he now accepts, it’s not if but when as the cancer has spread into most other areas of his body, lymph nodes, liver, lungs, stomach. It is such a rollercoaster so exhausting and I feel so sad watching the man I love deteriorate day by day. 6ft 4, big strong solid ex rugby player was 19 stone now just 14 stone. He has always been a foodie, loved to cook, entertain, he cannot eat at all, can barely swallow now. It is so cruel watching him suffer and unable to enjoy life as we use too. Our life feels like an egg timer, every day is slipping away I don’t think I will ever be ready when this day comes. We’ve had some wonderful experiences, some we wouldn’t have had without his diagnosis. I am so grateful for every day we’ve had together. We both continue to work, work is his lifeline, I do find it a struggle sometimes when we’ve had a bad night and to keep my emotions in check. Is exhausting having to face the world when your world is falling apart. My husband works from home, can rest when he needs too, my job requires me to go into my office. I feel so alone dealing with all of this, am tired of putting on a brave face, digging deep to get through the day, evenings sat alone while he sleeps, meals for one, all the things we use to do we no longer do. I am so grateful to find this group of carers, my heart goes out to each and everyone of you going through your own turmoil, want to support others, share our experiences to get us by. Waiting for results, scans, next treatment does not get any easier, I have learnt to keep busy, focus on other things, self care connecting with nature, mindfulness, meditation helps calm me when it all feels overwhelming. Friends mean well in truth don’t know what to say, or how to support, I don’t want to be the sad miserable one, as C feels all so consuming. Some normality, distraction helps to keep me sane. I reach out for counselling when I need too, getting a rescue dog has actually rescued me, my four legged companion now my soul mate when I need to let the tears flow. Some days I am just so so tired, emotionally exhausted and fatigued. I try to manage family life, working, caring for hubby, hospital visits etc. Our daughter turns 18 next week and is off to university next year, she is so ready for this next chapter, am now dreading being on my own as our plans dreams for our future fade away. I have lost my dad, my brother to C and know from these experiences how hard it was at the end, this scares me knowing I will now have to deal with this with my husband too. People say to me I am amazing, so strong the truth is we don’t have a choice do we, we just have to cope and get through as best we can, it’s just bloody hard such a rollercoaster of emotions x
