I'm not me

Yes absolutely - "I'm not me" describes me perfectly just now - mum doesn't have long left and I'm feeling lost and alone.  It's all so much to process that I haven't any time to process my usual functioning.  I can't plan for anything, can't look forward to anything because there's this enormous terrible event hanging over me.

I had to edit this because it looks so selfish.  I am absolutely consumed by guilt that I am not doing enough for mum - and that I can't extend her life and give her joy and make more memories.  I have willingly put my whole life on hold and I would do it all over again for her.  I don't know how I will face losing her or how I will find myself again after it's all over.

Totally.   I even sometimes forget to breathe.   It sounds so selfish to say ‘but what about me?’, but just once I would like to hear the words ‘and how are you coping?’   Like clouds says, even here I edit stuff because it makes me sound like I’m moaning or selfish.  You do get to a point where you are juggling so many things, trying to do so much and have no real control over ANYTHING, that it becomes totally overwhelming.  

But that’s the good thing about this group.   Everyone is in the same boat.   We can say stuff here that you would never say anywhere else, because everyone here totally gets it.   

We are all here for each other and no one will judge you.  

Stay Strong 

xx

Yes I get it completely. If I could take it away from my husband I would. I feel like I should do more, but know logically its out of my hands. Its awful watching someone go through cancer, the treatment and all the side effects, and only the medical staff can help. I'm just stuck watching and feeling useless! 

New to this just joined hoping this may help get thru the worst year ever so sorry to hear about your mum .. This relates to me so much right now with my mum i feel everything you do and somedays i feel silly and stupid for feeling that way .. i understand how tough this is the rollercoster feels like its never gona stop.so i can get off just for a short time but no getting off this one anytime soon just got to ride the ups and downs and take everyday one day at a time .. i totally get how u feel about how do u go on without her coz that is my main fear how do you carry on without her by your side and will i ever be me again or will i feel like not me always now 

It is the most painful experience.  Putting your life on hold and the constant thud in your heart  waiting for the inevitable. Watching your partner suffer is  awful and not being able to ease their pain. We all understand. Take care x