I feel like so alone. And I feel like the biggest bloody fraud for saying that - because it's my partner not me that's going through cancer treatment. I'm not having daily radiotherapy on my tonsil. I'm not having a mammoth blast of chemotherapy every 3 weeks that makes me sick to my core. I'm not the one having my taste buds blasted into oblivion so that everything tastes evil and eating becomes the biggest and baddest of chores. I'm not faced with my own mortality each morning.
But I do feel so alone. My family (mum, dad, sis) are crap at anything to do with emotions or sympathy, and seem more interested in my niece's first birthday party than anything approaching compassion for what we're going through. But they've always been this way, so I don't expect anything useful from them and they haven't disappointed me yet! It's my friends that I'm disappointed with. I'm totally stunned - shocked even - by the coldness and disinterest from people who I thought I could trust to be there for me. People that I've shown up for in the past when they really needed a shoulder to cry on.
There are a few people who really are properly there for us. They've gone beyond expectations to offer support and love. And the most generous support has come from relative strangers - a new client, unknown neighbours, cancer forum users, our letting agent!
I completely appreciate that a lot of people don't know what we're going through, and that no-one wants to even think about the C word if they don't have to - but I just don't understand why they don't even reply to my messages. We've recently moved to a new area and with covid haven't managed to make any local friends in the 6 months before my partner's diagnosis. My friends know that we're alone here.
Every time I reach out, I just want a friend to listen and witness my thoughts and concerns. But when they do bother to reply it's just to sanitise my experience. Telling me to focus on positive things like fun trips abroad (erm, yes we'll get right on that after struggling to get through every hour is a chore!) is just belittling our experience, undermining my genuine feelings. Why can't people let me be messy with my emotions, and stop trying to tidy and fold all my concerns away in the cupboard of repressed thoughts. I'm not going to fake positivity just to make other people feel more comfortable, so I'd rather just cut contact with people who I don't feel I can trust anymore. If you can't feel pain, you can never truly feel joy either.
Sorry, I just needed to rant in a safe space! I'd be interested to hear if anyone else has experienced this. I'm so glad my dog understands me at least! X
I do understand ware you are coming from. I have made judgements that it is not worth asking as they won’t help. The worst thing seams to be telling me that’s life. Like you I am care ing for my par
er. When I sit in a safe place and howl that I can’t cope and crying, is not much help. Also this community seams to me everyone is having worse then me and should suck it up and stop feeling sorryor myself. The people that I know who it turns out have the same problems resulting in the worst conclusion. So perhaps we can stick together and rant lots. I have told my Dr that I am struggling shhas asked a social worker to contact me and they did. I still don’t know what help I need. It seams to go on forever. I used to think the next day will be better then the next week, the next year afr a bad one seams overwhelming. Hugs & sending Love your way
