My wife was diagnosed in May with gall bladder, chemo had no impact, she then was rushed into Christie with pleurisy was in 4 weeks during which time she was also given 5 lots radiotherapy. Literally days later we were informed cancer had got her lungs this was less than 3 weeks ago. She is now in our local Hospice and described as being in her last days, the level of drugs now being dosed for pain management she is not really conscious or lucid anymore.
We met later in life almost 6 years ago and married 20/7/20, from day one we both new it was meant to be. Both of us say we have had the happiest 6 years of our lives, I retired 12 months ago and had put our plan together for travelling via cruises to Panama Canal, Far East, etc.. Now I feel like the only thing I have ever truly loved is being stolen from me and so many things we enjoyed, especially the simple things,like holding hands watchIng TV, walking, etc… we will never enjoy again.
part of me feels in denial because things have turned so quickly, this must all be a truly bad dream. I am totally destroyed, I put on a brave face every time I visit her and spend as much time as possible just sitting holding her hands and telling how much I love her. Don’t want to go to bed in the evening as the bed is empty, then in the morning I hate getting up as there is no good reason. I went shopping the other day and almost broke down in Sainsburys when I realised this was my life in the future, shopping for one, eating alone, no amazing cruise holidays.
Just how the hell do you keep going when you realise everything you loved and the things we enjoyed together is all but gone, I feel totally broken and guilty I always promised I would look after her and protect and now I have failed her miserably. To see her as she is now is truly soul destroying, Thursday she was still lucid and as I held her hand she told every dr, nurse the same - she would give them £100,000 to just end her life, I just wanted to breakdown and cry harder than I have ever done in my life.
What is the point of anything more, I’m terrified every time my phone beeps thinking this is the call to go be with her as her life fades away.
Regards to all,
Paul
