being hopeful

You’re right, I certainly go through different stages. Right now I’m in practical mode as we now know my husband will start his 2nd line chemo in a couple of weeks, we find we cling to the treatment as a way of staying positive. But ultimately 2nd line treatment is because the first (and best) one didn’t work.

I think a lot about my life on my own and how I will manage. Then I look at my husband and feel awful, what would he think if he knew I had those thoughts? Then I think I’m coming to terms with it until we get the next dreaded oncologist call and I’m a blubbering mess. What else was I expecting?? We know it’s palliative care but we kid ourselves he’s getting better, that seems to be the only way we can get through this.

The other day my husband said that things are always ‘glass half full’ with me. But as I said to him, how else can we be? If not you may as well give up now, stop trying, eating, drinking etc. Every day he wakes up and feels alright (ish) is another day to hope for the best.

sirry guys, that turned out to be a long message. I just hope it helps someone, it’s certainly helped me.

Jules

We just got the news yesterday that there was nothing that could be done for my wife anymore apart from palliative care. And I can tell you that even though we had time to get prepared to that (not curable from the start, then 1st chemo failed) it's still surreal news. Cherish every good day. 

Hi Devin,bramblejoo,nicAitch,Mafael.Still being hopeful,some days it`s easier than others.We all seem to get some kind of support and comfort from our shared messages,for me that`s a great help.I am willing to try anything to help me and my partner through this difficult time.I realise that we are all at different stages of our lives/ages etc but the one thing that has brought us together is our desire to help our loved ones.I will message again later as I am still trying to take in what I learnt from our phone appt with oncologist.Keep strong love cat58

Still trying to be hopeful, but still on the roller coaster. Wishing everyone here strength to cope with our own situations.x

Hi all, oh that dreaded call from the oncologist! Yes Cat58 please do take time to get your head round whatever they told you, I know for us we always need a few days just us to take it all in. 
Devin I’m so sorry that you’ve been given that bad news, each call like that is like being given the cancer news for the first time isn’t it? That’s certainly how we feel anyway. 
Thinking of you all, please feel free to share any latest news if it helps, we’re all here for each other

Xxx

Hi all. I'll repeat that again, cherish everyday you have with your loved ones. Juliette passed away today, peacefully at home with her family around her. That's insane how quick it went. 

The wave system is still there afterwards. The guilt to feel some relief too. All that's pretty normal. I guess I earned the right to join the dreadful bereaved family group.

One thing I learnt with macmillan website is that whatever you're feeling, it's always OK. 

Xx

Devin I’m so sorry for your loss and all I can hope is that you can take some small comfort in the fact that you did everything you possibly could for your wife and that she no longer has to endure any pain. 
We all dread that day and from a selfish point of view we constantly want one more day with our loved ones, I know I do, but sometimes I feel that is selfish as I should not expect my husband to be in pain just so I can still have him with me.

Yes sadly you can join the club no one wants to be a member of. I actually read through posts quite often, almost to get some kind of help how to deal with the situation when it comes, I have even posted on there which I felt guilty about, but I can honestly say they are the most lovely welcoming bunch of strangers. They have all gone through the same thing so know how you will be feeling. Of course it affects everyone differently but I find their help and advice invaluable.

My poor husband is still unwell despite his kidney stents, so I am concerned that things are progressing. If he doesn’t improve it is likely that 2nd line chemo won’t be able to happen and then I guess it would just be a case of pain relief and making him comfortable. Stomach cancer stage 4 has a very poor prognosis so I am trying to cherish each day, though sadly I feel like I’ve lost part of my husband already as I feel like he’s not ‘here’ a lot of the time, and he sleeps a lot now.

My thoughts are with you xx

So the dreaded appointment has been and gone. The oncologist confirmed what I think we both had expected. The TMZ has not worked, the tumour has grown. They have switched us on to another combination of drugs, so hope is not lost although the pond it is fished from is getting smaller. I felt strangely calm at the time, although the subsequent chat with our relatives and friends has sent me back to square one. My husband got quite upset this afternoon telling his mum the news and I think that’s when it hit me too. I’m going to try to focus on one day at a time, on the little things, shared jokes, our favourite music. The tumour is affecting his short term memory and it’s breaking my heart that he might not remember the little things like I do, but we can’t dwell on that right now.

ps, I drafted this message before himself called me through to dinner. We had a bottle of wine (he’s not allowed loads of his favourite foods/ drinks with the new drugs, so we decided to have a ‘last supper’ before the drugs arrive tomorrow) And it really helped getting the conversation going. We talked about his wishes and what he wants to happen, and it really diminished what some of my fears were. It might be the alcohol talking, but I have a new sense of optimism...... hopefully it will last?

still thinking of you all.xxx

Sorry to hear about your news of the treatment not working. Sounds familiar. 

Optimism is good, because it makes the daily life easier. 

Hi nicAitch,

So sorry about the news but I’m really pleased you were able to have an open chat with your husband about his wishes for the future. We still chat around that subject but I think I know what he would want anyway. 
All the time they are trying different treatments / drugs then stay positive! That’s what I’m trying to do. It’s when you get the dreaded‘no more we can do’ conversation that I’m not looking forward to. 
Just keep talking to your husband about the little things. You can be his memory. Mum mum has epilepsy and has lost a lot of her short term memory as a result and that’s what my dad does.

Devin, I sneaked into ‘bereaved’ group and so pleased that people have been responding to your message. Whenever the time comes I’ll be sure to post in there too

take care all xx