For those with a warped sense of humour WARNING- no punches pulled here

Ha ha and there was me just saying I would lure you over....!

Welocme Shaz.. (nannyb) and more silliness hoorah!.... 

Shaz  has offered to do a street party for us on our new street.....

Just done blog so blogged out  but wanted to say hi and  miss you sunny.... and welcome.. talk more later- P's just made dinner....

love Little My xxx

I swear this is a true story - Started off telling a (sick) joke at a neighbours house :

Lady has arrived at a funeral parlour to view her Mothers Body in an open Casket - but is most upset - has asked for her to be dressed in her designer blue dress instead finds her dressed in a red outfit.

Funeral director realises the problem - has 2 funerals and the dresses have been mixed up.

Asks his assistant to get the mourners to wait outside for 2 mins - then they come back in and everything is fine, she is now dressed in the blue designer outfit & the lady goes away quite happy.

Later the director is asked by his assistant how he managed to change the outfits in such a short time.

He explains its a trick of the trade - You just swap the heads instead !!

So I tell this ( Rather sick ) joke

The Hostess then tells me 'Thats what happened to my Mother !!'

Being the sympatheic guy I am - I collapse on the carpet in hysterics !!!

When I finally get enough breath back to ask a question I asker how she knew.

She told me that the head was on crooked !!

I again collapesed on the carpet - Think the tears may have made the colours run !

She further mentioned that she was that concerned she asked to see her mothers left hand - her Mother had suffered an accident and lost her middle finger.

Like the prat I am I then said - 'They sometimes swap the hands as well !!

For some reason we have not been invited back since then !!

Bet none of you invite us either !!

cheers John

Evening all

Can I just start by saying that any rumours of my demise, are greatly exaggerated.  I'm still here, and you'll be pleased to know that I have in fact showered 'lady-style' on more than one occasion, and even changed my pants!  Although I have laid off the chocolate for now.  Well, we can't do it all...

Happy to see you have all been busy while I've been away, I still have to catch up with the blogs out there but I couldn't help homing in on the 'warped' thread first, just to see what you'd all been up to.

I've been very busy while I've been away.  Did a bit of 'Claire Rayner', yes dahling, sorting out family stuff, and caught up on an awful lot of beauty sleep.  If you could see what I look like, you'd understand why I had to sleep so much!

Today I was off out for a very posh 'afternoon tea'.  The lovely friend that was treating me, did the double-take (she hadn't seen me for a while) and said the "you look so well", she'd imagined me thin as a wraith etc.  Well, that's just never going to happen.  I shall proudly wear my outsize clothes to my grave (metaphorically speaking - as you all know, I'm being cremated!) 

The cakes were lovely but I was disappointed to find tea coming out of the pot, not cocktails.  For those wondering about that, one of the many lovely pubs round here serves cocktails in teapots and china cups - how classy is that?  I have to try and be good now though, as I had so many cakes and scones with clotted cream that I'm probably a heart attack waiting to happen.  "Take that cancer - biff!"

I love the idea of us all living on cancer street and being able to talk to each other over the privet, while pruning the roses!  If it were a soap opera, it would probably be my cat sitting on the roof 'a la coronation street'!  I don't actually watch that, in fact I don't watch any soaps, my own life is exciting enough!  However, I can spot a theme tune very quickly and know when to turn over.

Little My, you have my sympathy, your cat sounds like it's from the same litter as mine.  An extremely neurotic creature who doesn't have enough sense of self preservation to understand when we're trying to make her better!  After several attempts, over several days, just trying to get her worming tablet over her throat, I had to give up and march her to the vet, who's met her sort before.  It was priceless, she didn't even have time to realise she'd swallowed it!  It's very expensive taking her to the vet for everything but it saves me having to wade through a knee deep pile of fur, which lately, is all that I've so far managed to achieve when I try to medicate her.  I've managed it in the past, so I'd say she was winning the arguments these days.  Bless her...  She's a very snooty siamese and looks like the kind of cats you see painted on Egyptian tombs.  Unfortunately, she has psychiatric problems and was rehomed 3 times before some brave soul (me) was laid back enough to put up with her shenanigans.  While she seldom does anything anti-social now, I think she now has herself convinced that she's married to me and insists on sleeping with me every night and nags me whenever I go out!

It's also embarassing coming back late from the pub, I can literally hear her shouting at me as I get to the bottom of the stairs, she knows when it's me!

So, now that I have a date for chemo, I've been trying to work my way round the list of 'banned substances' which I remember from when M had her chemo.  No takeaways (I've had Pizza twice in the last fortnight!), no undercooked meat (steak on the menu for dinner tomorrow) and no soft cheeses (Camembert to follow the steak!).  I shall also be having my last alcoholic drink on Friday (which will probably be my last night out for a while - the novely has worn off recently and I start yawning once it gets past 8.30).  Worst of all, I'll be making an attempt to stop smoking tomorrow.  I just wish I felt more in the mood.  The friend I was out with today made me feel so guilty when I made the mistake of telling her that the Onc had said it could affect the success of the chemo.  I've never seen that written down anywhere but I made the mistake of asking (idiot!).  I also asked him if my excess weight would make any difference.  No, he said cheerfully, though as the dosage you get is calculated on your body mass, there is more risk of an overdose (cheery- huh?).

Quick update on the funeral arrangements; as well as sending me off to my Mac chums, and sending myself skyward as per Christine's suggestion, my friend today suggested that the little boxes could be handed out at the wake, like party favours.  Much better than a bit of wedding cake and some sugared almonds in a gauze bag!  Not edible though, despite John's suggestion.  Much as I like his idea of an 'all you can eat buffet', I'd feel guilty if everyone came down with food poisoning, or, as a result of my diet, ended up with their cholestorol through the roof!

I'm sticking with the fact that the Onc said I had a 35% chance of getting a year.  By my reckoning that's shorter odds than me having twins (which I did) and getting through the Civil Service selection process (which, surprising as it was to me, I did).  So, I reckon I have at least a year to get the party organised, or rather, a year to use it for the purposes of bringing amusement to my fellow man (and woman)! 

I'm off to read all the blogs now and find out what else you've all been up to.

Love to all!

Ann x

Hi, I found a warped sense of humour came with the cancer, it was either laugh.......or cry, I prefer to laugh. It's a sort of 'gallows humour', it gets worse every day. You begin to notice what miserable sods the 'non cancer' community are, with their trivial worries and whinges. Lunacy is therapeutic, everyone should be mad.

Bill xxx 

Yeah! Get in !! Princess Sunny is back! !

With cheap excuses and everything ... I know you are a princess and they all need their beauty sleep, but that much? anyone would think you are ill or something?? ;-)

Glad you had a shower etc and 'lady style'  too oooh, get you! though all sounds a bit too civilised to me dahling....  gin in a tea pot sounds more like it ha ha like the idea of that one... I haven't had a drink since Christmas I realised (and good job you are all probably thinking!) Laughed about the heart attack... had this image of godzilla and super heroes having a punch up...do you think there is a Top trumps game waiting to be made out there?? Do you know top trumps? Could have fun making it up... also links in with the cancer card trump system... though guess we could offend a lot of peole there! Thinking that you trump me hands down at the moment Sunny.....  happy to be at the bottom of the pile (actually, it sort of works in reverse in our case doesn't it? oh dear, that doesn't work... ) It also links with the thought I had about cancer -woman in my blog yesterday... going to write my card now:

Cancer -woman:

pseudomnym: Little My

Super powers: ability to silence a room in a second with one word... (thats a commone one though for all of us) also  can make people faint with one flash of her magic bag, can.bore people to death with lengthy blogs about nowt, Got 2 bums.

Skills: light pruning and bin emptying, can do comedy farts from her 2nd bum

pitfalls: can't run.... bit embarrassing to have out in public

side effects: ha ha ha too long to list!

Sounds like your cat would be sat with mine up the roof! Got him down from it now and he's looking happy- pheromones for all i say! Hey, we could have cancer woman/man characters for all of us. on the street.... with our own powers etc that would be funny... going to think on that, or you could post your own ones here ha ha ha... go on, that would make me laugh! Anyway, what is it with cats- thought they were meant to have 9 lives!? too busy arguing with you to have that... I used to have one the same that when I got home from work I had to sit down and give him a cuddle before I even put my bag down, said hi to everyone etc Still, love them to bits...

Enjoy all the banned foods- no one ever said any of that to me.. hmm maybe that's what happened.... I've got an excuse now ha ha and good luck with the not smoking.. I had to have an op to stop me (couldn't get out of the bed and they don't let you smoke in bed these days.. shame I know.). But that is a bit  of an extreme method and as my Onc says about my diet (weight loss) not one you would recommend to your friedns...so maybe patches or gum instead?? 

Here's to a year of amusement and laughs... like the idea of party bags.. we tried to get rid of a dratted dinner service that we all peeled the labels off that way, but didn't work.... would take a box of you though with joy- think of how many more rooms I could silence with you in tow and how many cancer cards you could pull too... "it was my friends dying wish to travel first class... here she is sob sniff" ha ha ha  I told work it was my dying wish to get a much coveted parking space.. no chance, though my boss did say that it was an extreme way to get one of the disabled ones... just ask next time he  says... mind you I seem to do everything the extreme way, diet, giving up smoking etc etc...

Phew, Nannyb will be on her knees again and she hasn't recovered from my blog yet, so better shut up (sorry I can type as quick as my brain goes so you have no chance)

Welcome Val and Bill... good to have you here.. I always had a gallows humour... good job i got cancer then so can use it properly eh? ha ha .... what are your superpowers?

Little My xxx

Bloody hell Little My, you aint joking about me being on my knees.

Shouldnt even be here right now......have curtain to make before the morning but you lot are a drug, worse than my need for a smoke!!!!

Which leads me nicely to Princess Sunny, good luck with everything, including the giving up of your smokes.

My super powers wouldnt help much unless you needed concrete digging up...when I start laughing, things start to wobble, bit like a jelly on a plate. Dave often tells people not to get that lot moving so I think if you strapped a  jack hammer (think thats what its called) to my belly then make me laugh we could have the job done in no time......... and my fat awkward cow of a dog can also clear a room in seconds,....one fart and your out !!!! almost out cold ha ha.

Shaz ((((XX))))

Aw....you need some stamina training, Shaz!:)  Actually, I just read what I'd written and I scared myself by the speed of it... I do sound like a complete rambling nutter on speed even by my standards... will try and get my fingers to slow down to reading speed (out the way, cat- I need to sniff the pheromones!) btw, they really work (on the cats) no hope for me...

You are right though, it is more fun than doing the mundane stuff and you made me laugh so much at the image of you laughing!

Wonderful super-power too! Your super powers will be very much appreciated... I bought our new house in a morphine induced state of rose tintedness and didn't notice/mind the subsiding garage so if we EVER get in there, (sorry suppressed fury popping out) sniff sniff, I will need you to come round and have a laugh so we can demolish the garage... how much fun would that building work be to do?

Ann- how many fags have you not smoked today?? Good question eh, cos whatever you answer, we will be impressed oops did I blow it?? How come the font suddenly changed??? maybe its the 'stop now- too many words' warning font... ok will do...

Little Myxx

Hi guys, first I'd like to say to Little My, I thought you'd be sick of everybody mentioning the word 'prune', but obviously not as you mentioned it yourself lol..

John, I had a really good laugh at your story about your neighbour. Some people are unbelievable! My ex-sister-in-law was a nurse (allegedly). I had been diagnosed with gallstones, but was experiencing pain on the left side of my abdomen and asked her if she experienced pain on that side when she had gallstones. She said to me, "yes I had over 100 gallstones. Do you know where your gallbladder is?" Well, yes, of course I do, but asked her where anyway. She replied, "it's situated between your shoulder blades at the back, that's why it's such a messy operation. They have to open you up all the way down the front, remove all your insides, take out the gallbladder and put it all back in". I was waiting patiently for the punchline to her 'joke', but none ever came! To this day I wonder if she was winding me up or genuinely believed this. I never did care to ask her.

Regarding the story of serving cocktails in a teapot. A couple of years ago my husband was invited to a football game with his company in the corporate box. After their meal they had to go and watch the game. Hubby got bored so returned to have a drink at the bar. The barmaid told him they couldn't serve him alcohol during the game, but they could offer him tea or coffee, so he spent the afternoon drinking wine from a teacup (on the advice of the barmaid lol), so that no-one would know. Needless to say he came home worse for wear, but we had a good laugh about it.

Looking forward to more of the daily banter on here, it cheers me up no end. (sorry Little My, I'm using the words no end again ha ha ha).

Love to all, Christine xx

Sunny and I have been feeling a little sorry for ourselves so been a bit quiet over here but.....

enough is enough !!!! so..... coming out to play!

Sunny is trying to outdo me... as you know all she does is slob around all day in her pants drinking gin froma teapot and pretending to be refined....  but then I hear she's been out and bought new pants and boxers at that.. think I have converted her to the way of the boy pant, but no.... LADY boxers for her... not your common or garden boy ones like I have to wear...... oooh la di daah... get you..... :-)

Be getting china cups for your gin and irn bru next.... :)

Ready to come out and play yet Sunny?

Little Myxxx

ps forgot to say, I hope you are proud of me... I didn't resort to smoking  and left the morphine in the cupboard for the other sort of pain and didn't have a gin... or anything!!!!

'Saint My being ordained as we speak...  can't really do saintdom.. doesn't quite fit somehow....still need a new vice.... (maybe making people wet themselves could be it?? eh Shaz?)

 I'm only little and can't stay up late and turn into a pumpkin after 9pm so saying goodnight and hoping Sunny will leave a silly for me to reply to in the morning... (have to have a cup of tea with P and give him some attention too and then off to bed...)

Good night all, see you in the morning....

Little Myxxx