For those with a warped sense of humour WARNING- no punches pulled here

last one, promise... apparently I set off an automatic alert from using the word sh*te..just  had it explained by a lovely maccy admin man so all is well.... Did make me giggle as he was politely explaining why it had been checked and quoting it to me etc.

Anyway, thanks maccy people and glad you are looking after us, even the rude ones... love you

Goodnight again

Little Myxxx

Hi all

Loving John's shower story.  In this flat, there's only me and one of my daughters, so we take bits of it in turns - the man and woman stuff!  I've known for years that my girls get embarrassed by the sight of my body (well it's not a pretty sight - never has been really), so I like doing all the WooHoo stuff, and have been known to exit the bathroom to the sound of me making the music for a stripper "darah da daa, dara da dah, dara boo-boom, darah boo-boom"  I'll let your imaginations guess what the 'boo-boom' bits are!  The only thing is, I'm the sad one that wipes down the shower and she's the annoying bisum who uses half a tub of body scrub and leaves it to cake the bottom of the bath (the shower is over the bath).

For years she's been using the cancer card when I've raised the subject of cleaning, washing or in fact anything that requires her to to move from a chair, or her bed.  She's always tired so I've let her off, until now!  Not only have I realised that she prefers to save her energy for the important stuff (going to the pub, parties, clubbing etc.) but I now feel so crap myself and I don't get to use the cancer card, that I've started to become a nagging mum, with little noticeable effect.  My girls stopped being scared of me years ago - it's only strangers that are truly terrified!

Little My, thanks for the offer of the aids and equipment, but the only thing I really want, is a Stannah stair lift.  In order for that to be possible, my neighbours would have to agree to the rails being across their front doors, and that doesn't seem very likely.  Which is a shame, because I love those, and my stairs are a slightly bigger version of a spiral staircase and it would be like a fairground ride!  So I am looking for a move before I become stuck in this flat.

Your partner's views on death, on the face of it, are something that sounds really lovely.  I suspect me and my daughter M have been here before (she was an old sould when she was born - didn't cry, just stared at me like she knew me) because I've been getting tired of life (some particular aspects of it anyway) for a while.  However, with our luck, we'd probably come back as greyhounds, or farm cats, or worse, as africans.  I know this is probably getting a bit serious for this thread - but don't worry, it won't last!  I actually feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself cancer-wise, when I see pictures everyday of people dying in agony and deprivation when their lives have sometimes barely begun.  I think that's what makes me not want to take all this cancer business too seriously.  I don't think my death is any different to the death of e.g. the prey animals you see in a wildlife documentary.  The world doesn't stop turning then, and I'm not arrogant enough to think it should when it happens to me.  I don't even want it to, this is the way it's supposed to be.

Ok, serious stuff over.  Little My, I may well take you up on your offer to hand me round your relatives, but at the moment, I'm having too much fun thinking up eccentric people who might be prepared to comply with my wishes.  Angelina Jolie come to mind.  Any woman that carried around a little phial of her (previous) husband's blood around her neck, shoudn't mind getting a little box of ash to sprinkle round Hollywood, preferably over all the stars on the pavement outside (can't remember how to spell it) the chinese theatre!  I also want someone to take me to the land of my ancestors and sprinkle me over the giants causeway.  Any suggestions of eccentric people that might be game for a laugh would be gratefully appreciated, as I have to start working out my list so that I know how many little boxes I'll need.  I think my ex might love the idea of decanting me into little boxes!

I'm seeing my GP tomorrow and am busy compiling a list of things I need to talk to him about. I'm also going to bash his ear about the hospital screw up on my chemo.  I know it's only palliative and not a potential cure, but I find it annoying that I might get worse while I'm waiting, when the whole idea when I signed up was to hopefully delay the progression of some of the symptoms. If I really do end up having to cart an oxygen cylinder around on a wheelchair, I'm screwed.  I won't be able to have another fag!  I had a patient years ago that tried to smoke while on oxygen.  Thankfully, apart from being a bit shocked, and his eyebrows being singed, he was ok.  The noise was incredible and it still didn't stop him smoking!  The reality is I could stop whenever I wanted, but at the moment, I just don't want to.  Please don't judge me for it, it's one of the few bad habits I have left and it's not likely to make a great deal of difference now!

Hope you've all had a good and productive weekend

Love, Ann x

Is that  wouldn't mind a stripy swimming costume or wouldn't mind a handlebar moustache? Just curious....

Morning all,

VicolaW, welcome here! Just read your comments on Stevie's blog and you have found your true spriitual home... welcome!

Not sure the handle bar moustache would be a good look for me, so saving that for my son and I'll stick to the costume! (when he was little, someone asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up.. this was his reply. "I want to a Mexican called Sanchez with a handlebar moustache and a Liverpool accent") He hasn't managed any of it yet....I blame the parents....

Ann, I have this picture of you on the stairlift now with no one being able to get out of their flats...and it makes me laugh!  if you do ever get one, will you promise to scream as you go up like you are at the fairground just for me?? Always wanted to do that.... Wouldn't ever judge you in a million years my dear... that's the point of this thread.... say it as it is and no judging... being a scientist I was amazed to hear that that man survived smoking on oxygen... don't try it will you? Might get in my flightpath as you go caboom sky high! Also fascinated by my stoma (reply to your blog comment) trouble is, no-one else is- keep wanting to show it to someone and for some reason they all decline!! My brother has kindly said he will have a look when I see him soon... bless him.. Can't understand why no one wants to take me up on the offer to see what their intestines look like... :-) I know I would, but think I'm a bit odd maybe..

You are going to have to have some trump system for your cancer cards...  shoudln't  terminal trump remission?? Glad its only me in my house...

I wondered if you get your ashes dipped in those bits of string that the celebs wear so you could travel with them incognito..... I think I would go for Brad rather than Ange myself...

This one might sound a bit  sad or sick I think, but its not meant to be and its our thread for that  so here goes...

Just reading Ann's blog and it reminded me of something that I've messed up grrr.....My granny got and died of cancer aged 48. My dad had a heart attack and died aged 48, my mum got cancer aged 48 (managed 10 years after that before she died too) now, as you can imagine, I have had this age in my mind somehwhat over the years and been a bit superstitious about it and being bl**dy minded, had this goal to not follow the family tradition and thought I beat this one and will relax when I get to 49... B*gger, what happens...I get cancer at 43! Does that still count as beating the age curse? doing it early?? Please say it does! obviously I still have the 'die at 48' which is now looking a tadt more lpossible than just superstition, but maybe doing it early has broken it??? I can just hear my mum again... so typically awkward of you, can't be the same as everyone else can you, always got to be different... ha ha your'e right there Mum...!

Better get up and do some packing...

Little My xxxx

Morning all, OK an alternative suggestion for Sunny - save even more money on the funeral, the economy buffet - err ultimate self catering ??
 

At the crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile next to him, he noticed the rescue team approaching.

"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

er just one more for now, seems to be a constant subject on here, self moderated just in case !

2 rats in a sewer, 1st rat says I'm sick of this, it's **** for breakfast, **** for dinner and **** for tea! the other rat says, Cheer up, we'll go on the piss later!

Cheers John xx

Evening, bit too tired to write tonight, (busy day- see blog if you want to know but boring vets and stuff) but just wanted to just ask Sunny how she got on at the GPs and to say I just got an email from a well meaning colleague...

saying she has been talking with a friend of hers who had the same treatment as me so she knows how I must be suffering and she is sending me prayers... (lucky me.. more prayers) and then she says at least we can wear skirts! ha ha ha maybe that one should go on dumb things... bet she doesn't know about either going commando or wearing mens pants underneath.... shall I inform her?She's a bit of a prude....  I now need to reply and say thanks... ho hum. Sunny, never dared watch the exorcist- too much of a wuss so will you do a headspin for me?? Keeping you busy aren't I? headspins, smoking for me too... what else?? will be asking you to have some oxygen for me too at this rate... I know I live up a hill, but not quite mount everest altitude...

Anyway, will do something silly for you  tomorrow... going to have a cup of tea and then bed... eyelids drooping already - and to think I used to run a night club bar ha! Those were the days.....

Goodnight ya'll...

Little My xxx

Silly Princess Sunny,

I like that title, (thanks, Sue...) hope you do too! Just cos it is so far from the reality of me...never ever been called a princess and if you saw me you would never call me that either....!! i.e. when I had my son, my mum said to me.. "now you are a mother, are you going to stop dressing like a bloke?" err no... actually I bought a dress recently when I couldn't wear trousers but that's gone to the back of the cupboard already !!

Hoping you are ok enough to come out to play soon....

In the meantime... Read my blog (life is what happens...) for today's silly one... the middle bit about the boxers and the man saying hi.. should make you laugh...

Just rammed one pill down the cat's throat, lost the battle with the other one.... will get my £90's worth if it kills me... ! and just had another email from my praying, skirt wearing colleague who is now quoting the Bible at me....

Help! How do i rely to that one??? Need silliness....

Lots of love

Little My xxxx

Always pleased  to help !!

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Ha ha thanks for that one, John. Classic!

Currently on stage 6... just got spouse in...was eyeing up the ruler.... but having had enough of hospitals to last me a lifetime recently, don't want to get to 14 ...so  decided to get him to do a Dr Crippen impression and try crushing it and mixing it in milk, if that doesn't work, will give up and tell the vet tomorrow when he goes down for check up and he can just have injections and sod the expense... unless I get pheromones......

Get a cat... they reduce stress.... get a cat... they are healing when ill....sitting on your lap purring....... ha bl**dy ha! (actually i do love them to pieces of course and would anything for them...)

Little My xx

Have a couple of thoughts for Ann's world (or out of this world even!) travel. Why not arrange for someof your ashes to be put into a firework. You will then have travelled into space. Now not many people have that claim to fame do they?

Another suggestion is to have some of your ashes made into a diamond and set in jewellery. That way your family members (daughters) could carry you around forever.

John, loved your thoughts on trying to get a cat to take its medicine. Now, that's not one task I would relish!

Little My, wish you luck with the cat thing. Just watch your other half doesn't do a Dr Crippen with you lol.

Love to all, Christine xx