For those with a warped sense of humour WARNING- no punches pulled here

Nice one Hils tee hee.

Well I popped in here after my dog walk expecting LM to be dyson fashion.  Think she's down there now with Mr. Surgeon.  See you soon LM.  I've cleared the place up for you so we're all here spick n span waiting for your return.  Big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Sorry I've been away up to eyes decorating I thought LM had gone for surgery hours ago so hope she is down there now or that woman in the waiting room will be taking her place I think removing a door from certain orifices is a long and tricky operation thanks for clearing up Jan it was looking a bit of a mess in here and I put the smell down to the animals bin scrubbed out all sterile for rescue what a great idea for urine bottles Hils must put that in my arsenal and the limerick made me laugh here's hoping LM is on her way to being a fully fledge dyson hugs to all Cruton xxxx

From shite to better!

The weekend was a tonic in the end. Getting my rods out of LM's waiting room was worth it as I won the fishing match today with 62lbs of carp! Yay for me I say. I felt really weird knowing that I'd won my last match before my op, and I had a lot of good luck wishes from the other anglers.

So now the countdown really begins to being the 2nd part of the Dyson duo. Based on LM's account I would like to practice farting, but as you know the wind doesn't get pass the bag!

Hope you've all had a great weekend, 3 days of work left for me, sorry 2.5 days of work left (just decided gonna take Weds afternoon off) and the stress switch has been turned off.

Tight lines

Tim xxx

Hi Tim,

You can see all the help-ful advice we're giving to LM so I hope you will be able to keep in touch so we can advise you as well.

Big manhugs, Odin

PS. Sorry, forgot the kisses xxx

Well done our Tim YAY now get that fish cleaned up and find a pan big enough to cook it in cause LM wants some decent food Hils does lovely roast vegetables so they will go with it nicely and I'm sure she can find a good fart song we can all stand at the bottom (excuse the pun) of your bed and sing to give you encouragement .As LM does not like deserts which I find very strange I will bring a chocolate orange for afters this spell thing wants to make afters aftershave do you need a shave LM? So soon be a dynamic dyson Tim all things crossed huge hugs to Ems who has her cancer kicking boots on and is kicking cancer as hard as she can Cruton xxxx

So I did the fart and the consultant comes round and says that's music to my ears!! Bloody weirdos my doctors ! Obsessed with bums and farts and poo! Anyway he said after that next step is a poo lets wait and see for that and then we can think about sending you home ! Hahhaaaaaaa he did make me laugh cos he shouts at you in front of everyone on the ward and was asking me how my daer was and did I feel it come out etc. like my brother who likes to analyse farts. Anyway all I need to do now is a poo and then they let me out so new escape plan is Cruton you fill that bin up with Respect's nappies and then I can tip one out and tad aaa I get to go home! Tim , you need to make a bottle of eau de fart circa 1902 and get a nappy smuggled in. Get one of those band held fans and the. Set it off under the. Ed as you open the bottle. You're a. Like so not shy in announcing your farts to the world, then later in, get the nappy out and show the doc and hey presto home!! First day take all the morphine going to get you through the escape plan. Simple eh? See? How good is it for you coming after me? All the top tips!! I am keeping everything crossed for you that it goes well. I am also hoping to be out by then and reading about it at home. You'd better let us know. I expect full blogs! So moany 1 is now moaning about the man opposite having dementia. That's all we need she says . She moans a out my dressing changes cos they upset her!!!! Look at. Y ties they are blue/swollen/ whatever. Moany 2 says she is seeing the dietician this morning . They'll tell me to eat this and that she says which is no good when you can't keep anything down moan moan. So , she has a morphine pump cos she can't swallow tablets and can't keep any food down. I guess crisps and chocolate aren't classed as food! She has a wee rabid ' to keep them happy cos I've no appetite' and then she eats a bag of crisps and 2 bars of chocolate and another packet of wine gums!! Blood lady just came up to take my blood and moany one starts shouting oh no tell me when you've finished I can't cope. Blah blah how come it's all about her?? Anytime I get something done to me she screams and moans poor her cant cope . I don't get them. I think they like being here. I'm trying to do a poo so I can home and they see to be pretending. It to eat so they can stay... I am looking forward to having my breakfast without having someone sat next to me puking!! Get me out of here!!! Good luck Tim you can have the ravens they're pretty good but don't trust them with anything shiny hugs to you all and appendages crossed they let me out to Oreos or I may say or do something I regret..... Love you all and thanks for all the giggles :) xxxxxx

Hi LM,

Put your post into Google translate and it said "language unknown" :-)

You have the patience of Job. By now I should have told Noaning Ninnie No 1 to shut up because her constant moaning is upsetting the ward and the ravens don't like it either. Perhaps, if I were a little more polite I should have sympathised with her.

I mean someone with all her problems should have a private room (with the door locked and the keys thrown away).

How did you know it wasn't a smelly one LM?

Stor kram,

Odin xxx

Was that an earthquake in Wales this morning or was it LM farting her way home!!!!!

The noaning ninnies sound like they could provide hour of entertainment for you and us! What is it with old people noaning about how ill they are!!!!

Well here's to eating solids and filling your commode ; )

love you xx

Booby xxx

Ha Odin I just read what my iphone wrote thinking it knew better and it is language unknown!! The one that really made me laugh was weetabix being wee rabid!! I guess you got the gist. I still don't know what the oreos was meant to be. It seems to turn bs into a full stop and a missing b.. Roobybooby they are not old!!!!! That's what's so bad about them! I just can't believe that she sits there with a carrier bag of sweets and chocklit stuffing herself and then says she ant eat and has no appetite! That's cos you ate all of the chocklit. I miss some culture. I got the one and only independent newspaper today but no one to talk to about the stories. I don't think Francis Bacon is in Heat magazine this week! P just phoned and said we have a ghost cat!! He is being haunted by a cat he reckons cos he saw one meowing for food but ours were asleep on the chairs! Typical of a cat to just carry on wanting food as a ghost ! I came on to say something but forgot!! Ah well. Here's to pooing soon so I can escape! Tim it's ok really nothing to worry about and Hilary is hot on our heels for her op in April so the bins and ravens will be kept busy. I like the idea of having a pair of menacing looking crows at the bottom of your bed should scare away the moaners but doesn't! Dressing change soon that will chase away one of them haha poor thing having to watch me in pain. I think I might scream really really loudly today to freak her out hehe . The carrots are having their little orange souls boiled out of them by the cooks. I wanted to give them a good send off and pray for ten. Hilary suggested I light a candle for them and though it made me giggle so much at the thought, I suspect I might get booted off the sight.... Maybe I could post them on here instead? Warped is allowed cos I say so. On my phone so don't think I can do te carrot candle but either Hilary will oblige or it can wait till I get out! Off to sit on the loo in vain hope... To poo , perchance to fart... Little My xxxxxx

I have a friend who reckons her cats come back to say goodbye after they die. I would have a friend like that, wouldn't I? (She's the same one who asked if I'd tried crystal healing for my cancer.)

Here's another pome for you:

Poo with all your might and main

It doesn't matter if you strain

It won't be over in a flash

But you'll be glad when it goes 'splash!'

...

Always happy to help.

xxx