For those with a warped sense of humour WARNING- no punches pulled here

Blimey, a girl mentions the word fart and you all come to life! Pages of it... Hello everyone I can't remember who wrote what so just a fart story from me...

Baggy did a fart today in a meeting. i thought it was too quiet to hear, but someone said Oh is that your bag making that noise? Hahaaa!

The filter was blocked up so had a balloon dangling all the way home. Don't like being reminded of balloons at the moment so went to change my bag. For some reason baggy poo and farts stink more than normal ones... seems the smell must lessen somehow in that last bit of intestines.

I lit 3 matches, sprayed some of my bag deodorant in the bathroom and some of that oust stuff. usually one match does the trick.

Sat down to write my rant. P sticks his head round the door and says OH MY GOD WOMAN CAN'T YOU LIGHT A MATCH OR SOMETHING??? I CAN'T EVEN GO IN THERE IT STINKS SO MUCH!!!

So, I think me and the dog are partners in crime and on par with eachother.

ignore my rant btw in the room, I am ok now i ranted. Few more splinters around but back to fart jokes.

Everyone is trying to get stuff sorted with me before I go off now that i am so blinking busy I am actually beginning to look forward to the op for a rest!! GC had better give me good news, mind you, I guess it will be a rest either way :) I am knackered!!

Oh, someone asked for dates...

GC  bum  check up on Friday. Rolos at the ready

Ems is in on the following Tuesday 13th for SCT. Me in on the 16th for op, Tim on the 22nd for his op. Hilary soon too I guess....

Hugs to you all cos I love the lot of you and will write loads another time when not so tired.

Little My xxx

ps Hi Juliafart, nice to see you over here and as you have been told, you can't leave now.

And you wonder why I am putting my foot down at the idea of a colostomy.

Anyway, here is something for you to play with: http://realcitizenshiptest.co.uk/quiz.php?n=1

Took the test Hilary ....I got 7 out of 10. A better result than the test that accompanies the C4 programme...11 out of 24! My Mum, who moved here from India in 1949, told me that she was only taught English history and her family only spoke English. She was educated until the age of 19. Don't think she would stand much of a chance at getting Indian Citizenship!

I just popped/pooped by to say hi and good luck to all those undergoing tests, ops, RT, transplants etc this month. There is so much farting, belching and smelliness going on, no wonder people are popping in and disappearing quickly. I told my little man that he needed to teach his Grandad how to break wind without making smells or noises. He is so polite that the only person who knows that he has is the person giving him a cuddle (Little man, not hubby. Haha)

OOOOOOOOOOOH! LM, that's AWFUL. Just lit a boxful of matches.........and we have 25 followers now. Hmmmmmmm!

Love and hugs to all you delightful people. I guess it might go a little quiet on here with Ems going into solitary, Tim and LM going to the Dyson factory, and hopefully Hils will get sorted soon. Culottes should be finishing RT soon, Colin will be listening to Chopin, Multitask will be doing just that........and I'm making the most of someone being out of the cave. Oh Yeah!

Roll on April when there will be a few more people who can enjoy their summer.

Lets kick cancer oop the backside, and viva the NHS

xxxxxxxxxx

Who did that? It was me (sorry Hils, it was I ), I've been doing granny- farts (the ones that accompany every step) ever since ... well ever since I became a granny. Maybe before that, but I blame the Seroxat. It's meant to deal with all sorts of anxiety-related problems but it made its side-effects clear within a week thus causing more anxiety. Tra la. I don't need a pooh-bag, I can do it all by myself. And thanks for the matches tip but a permanently burning incense stick, suitably shielded for the elf-n-safety fanatics, works beautifully. Unless I wander into another room ... 

Well, transplants, tests, RT, reversals - quite a busy bunch here, & that's without those looking after recalcitrant mothers, trifle-addicted uncles & bum-burping hubbies. I feel idle, all I've done this week is a tour of J. Sainsbury's emporium, cleared out my stash of knitting yarns (if I kept knitting until Doomsday I'd still have had some left over so it had to go), hoovered the stairs and made bread. And a bit of ironing. 

Anyway, just popped in to say Hi! to you all. Just popping out now, ta-ra-a-bit as they say round here.

Duh I must have chemo/radio brain,took me a whole minute to get the bit about Dyson hahaha.RT not too bad still....well I am a big strapping Lancashire lass can take owt these days(used to be a slip of a thing) but I am working my way through a bag of Allsorts as we speak cos i am rather bunged up at the mo,got loads of medication to counteract the damage to my foodpipe(cant spell assofiguss) which may have caused the problem but good old Bassetts will come to the rescue and anyway I like em.   Can't wait for the treatment to end then I will start thinking of going away,just going to pop over to Ireland to start with then who knows where I might end up.

Right I'm off,making a brew then hiding the allsorts before they have the reverse effect.....wouldn't want to embarrass myself in RT,well..no more than usual.      See ya     as we say round here.xxx

Culottes

Good morning my warpy friends,

A very, very quick pop in 'cos i'm espcapeing to Chester in a few mins. Well actually got to take the dog for her big walk first, so starting out in an hour or so. Really feel the need to get away from it all. Soes anyone wanna join me?? Be back on Saturday so will catch up then.

Good luck to all of you who are going for tests or having treatment right now, it's your GC day today LM are your rolos at the ready, take care and a big hug.

Oh Mandy, don't apologise for moaning as you put it, about yur present situation. I'm going through a similar one and it's just as bloody hard in a different way to my experience with my cancer. A demading and manipulative mum can really grind you down and all that running about is soooooo draining. Mine too, asked if she could sell up and have a granny flat built on the side of my house or we could all move to a bigger one AAAAAAAAAARRRRGH. I had to be very strong and say NOOOOOO aswell. But she threw her dummy and was very cruel to me for a few days. Soon came round though 'cos there was noone to take her shopping!!!! or change her bed, or hoover, or have her to tea blah blah blah.

And on that note you all get why i'm running away without my moby!!

Catch up soon

Take care all

Jan xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Good afternoon Warpes, glad to see you are all gone with the wind, more like the fairies!!!!!!!!!!

Tim I must say I like your use of the story about the red hen, that was a very good way of describing them and I know farms are very close to your Clucker LOL !!!  Oh and FRANK is more of a geezer than a terminator but he has the misfortune of being trapped in a rather camp fur coat and to top it off he looks like he is wearing pantaloons, so he looks permanently angry.

Jan have great fun in Chester, I had some very happy times living there and good for you leaving the moby behind.

Have been wondering what's happened to Jackie as I have not seen any posts lately, so big HELLO to her.

Talking of farts our dog is the funniest when it comes to farts, when she does one she looks at her bum and then at us as if to say "what on earth was that"? 

Love to you all

Ruby xxxxxxx

Evening warpees and warpets and warpoos...

Tim and I are going to be the Dynamic Dyson Duo (we hope)

He asked me what I am going to do with my old bags... The sensible answer would be that I didn't order another box so won't have many left and my stoma nurse sends old bags (ooh wiil she take my colleague, she's an old bag) sorry, she sends bags you don't want, or cut to wrong size or whatever to Africa and places where they use carrier bags and sellotape etc.

The warped answer is....

I thought I could inflate them and use them as party balloons until I get my new bum balloons. They could make an attractive beret for the cats, or I could put chocolate milk shake in them and gross people out when I drink it. Oh so many choices. Tim, could keep his maggots in his, but he'd have to seal up the hole...

A long time ago we established the circles you cut out are for sticking over your eyes and saying Ah Glasshopper....

All ideas gratefully received.

I think it is a cancerversary for me tomorrow, but I don't know when you are meant to count from. Tomorrow is a year from when I had the camera up my arse and she said 'Oooh that's really abnormal, stay positive they can do a lot with radiotherapy these days'.. combined with 'this is LM, she's just had some bad news' and then she gave me a card for the colorectal cancer nurse. I sort of put 2 and 2 together and made cancer... Jeez, I am clever eh? How did i ever guess?  But then there is the meeting with consultants who tell you officailly stuff, or is it start of treatment, or end of treatment??

GC chooses end of treatment as my year. So maybe I can be like the queen and have 2 cancerversaries... tomorrow and the end of treatment. ... ? Only as long as there is cake and presents etc. Actually, I don't like cake.... Hilary can have it cos she did A Very Nice Thing today...

It is also a year to the day my beloved ancient 20 year old cat died... You know cats... can't let you have the attention can they? We had him put down in the morning, I got told I had cancer in the afternoon... Can't imagine why I remember that date! 

 I also have GC day tomorrow too.... so Rolos ready, bum polished etc. I want a stick on nip to stick on my arse to freak out GC. Hahaaaaaa! Poor man... can you imagine it? Hi LM, any problems well, GC, I seem to have a new growth on my arse... have a look! hahaaa. I was going to say poor man, but he gets Rolos and ladies swooning at him so i reckon he's ok.

Actually I want him to be not freaked out and say nice things so I can have the op as planned etc.

I am not nervous ahem, cough, shuffle feet....

Lovee to you all and big hugs and stor kram and can i have Frank please?

Little My xxxxx

Da da daaaa!!!!!

Oh what a great idea LM, the DDD. We will have to wear disguises so nobody can recognise us, so I reckon we will need some invincible womble pants with holes in and wear them over our heads. Only clean ones of course. We could also stick those false nipples on us to make it look like we have bad zits (from a distance) and throw false boobs that we have stored in our hernia support belts.  Back at base we will have our stoma nurse getting all our stuff ready like the stomamobile and the gravy train.

Any criminals will be forced to give up at bag point, either repent or get the contents of baggy full on.

I reckon those mushrooms I had for dinner were a bit funny you know.

My local Ileostomy association told me they send unused bags to Romania, I rang them and asked if they were sure they were used for shite and not as glue bags, the phone went dead........ Damn mushrooms again.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow LM, I am rooting for you and I am now all warped out.

Well nearly, don't forget to buy the Little Red Hen books, Ruby knows the story. I think I was wrong to say earlier I am not well read, Litte Red Hen is quite challenging, especially after mushrooms..

Tight lines

Tim xxx

Hellooooo everyone,

Hope everyone is still on planet warped.

There is a feeling of spring in the air, even Frank is having a wonder through the daffs, don't be fooled though, more like looking for a baby rabbit or two or three and so on.