For those with a warped sense of humour WARNING- no punches pulled here

Good luck today LM. Hope this gets past the moderator, as my message to Ems didn't. You'd think they would be on a drop of the hard stuff and slurring jingle bells by now....or perhaps our blogs and comments are just sooooooooo entertaining they want to keep them to themselves.

Do you think the Guvmint and Daily Mirror are hacking into the site? Funny that I could not get emails yesterday either.

Did my Christmas shop yesterday. Dread to think what it is going to be like today/tomorrow. We are getting my little boy (he's a foot taller than me!) from Manchester tomorrow. Yay! G is taking his mother to Orthopaedic hospital today, so must get wrapping pressies and some calming Bach or Handel to listen to!

Enjoy your time with Max and the spa and luxury living :-)

Buon Natale to all

xxxxxxx

Good luck LM. Is your bag clear yet Tim. Yes Jan I like a bit of Stella :)

 Who said the recycling and rubbish doesn't get taken out if they don't do it? Our brown bin (bottles, tins, plastic) has been missed, (I was poorly last night and forgot about it), so that's another 2 week wait and oops it's Christmas and oops hubby will be home and oops it's full already. Mind you, my general waste and paper bins are full too because of all my sorting this week. They've closed the local tip, so we can't even go there!

I know you will all forgive me for not mentioning everybody, but my brain is feeling mushy. Have a great time over Christmas, I'll be doing feck all, which is good :) I am, however having a massage today. I booked them thinking, great, last day on my own, and every bugger is coming back early. Bah Humbug!

Special mention to my friend Don, who hopefully had a successful operation on Wed. 21st. He's in Australia so ahead of us. I wish him everything he can imagine.

Good morning all,

You maybe there now LM so fingers crossed for a quick and simple hossie apptment then back home to do much more fun things like tree decorating yayyyy.  I'd forgot how weird and wonderful warped is! Lm you've just made me laugh loads with an image of a singing santa merkin - just brilliant -.  Enjoy your luxury hotel stay with Max ooooh how exciting. 

From luxury hotels to luxury spa days eh Lesley.  Enjoy, enjoy hmmmmmmmmmmm nice.

'Fraid i've left the food shop till last minute  (oh dear dad, you've really messed up my rabbit list this year)!  So i'm off to shower, sorry LM i've already hoovered absolutely everything this morning, cleaned two bathrooms, changed the beds except Johns 'cos he's still in it.  Two loads of washing done and one in drying. Oh and dusted minimal phewwwww.  Going for a well deserved shower now 'cos I stink, then off to the shops ugh

Take care all

Jan xxx

My post has been approved??????? I think it might be the new title for warped that's causing the problems, lol.

Well, now that GC has let me off for good behaviour for 3 whole months!!!!!!!! Christmas can begin in the My household...

And that means a mission for my warped friends. Pay attention. i will be asking questions...

Warning this message will not spontaneously combust or destroy itself in 10 seconds...

1. Old Joke: ass uming you were all brung up proper enough to have napkins (or at least paper ones) for Christmas dinner... you have to put one over your hand and make it sing a Nat King Cole song- like a glove puppet and ask people what's this?

Napkin Cole! Hahahaaaa.

2. You have to innocently slip into the conversation the words cock and throb in a single sentence... and no outright naughtiness... has to be a double entendre... Ok? And as innocently as you can. if you want bonus points, put in pussy and like and/or stroke in a sentence too...

3. You have to slip the word 'wanker' into a sentence where it shouldn't be so people do a double take and wonder did they just say that or not... e.g. I'd like a wanker cup of coffee please. If you say it quick enough, people sort of notice, but not quite and you can see their faces thinking did she/he just say wanker? No, couldn't possibly have! its funny but requires balls. (snigger) It works best with prudes this one. Warped family members just tend to reply 'do you want bollocky sugar with it?'

4. Prizes will be awarded for the best poo reference/pun and the best use of the word warp/warped during dinner...

Ems has had a few of these already as her hospital mission but we'll let her off that cos she is fab!

Oh and lastly, a fun thing you have to do... as a Christmas pressie from me... bear with me on this- it really really is worth it!

Get something metal... silver works best. A big silver ladle would be amazing but a fork or spoon works well too. Tie 2 pices of string around the handle. Wrap the other ends of the string around your index fingers of each hand so the spoon or whatever is dangling from each finger. Stick your fingers in your ears with the string on your fingers. So your fingers are like earplugs, the string is like the wires and the spoon is like the ipod dangling in front of you. Lean forward and knock the spoon against a table or worktop or whatever and listen... let me know.....

(and I promise this isn't me being super warped... something does happen!)

May next year be full of warpy loveliness for you all

God Jul and Stor kram till alla

Little My xxx

Hey everyone!

Perhaps you could follow the title and come up with the 2nd day , 3rd etc.....

Anyway..... Today I have felt loads better and baggy is back on form, normal service is resumed! I feel like at last I've had a bit of good luck and hope that sets me up for Xmas.

It was great to see Jan back on here, and telling us all to get drunk, no fear Jan now baggy is working I will be starting on the booze. No cider for me though!

I attended my third funeral in a month today, not mine of course, and today the service was non religious. I think I may have read about somebody on here attending one before? It was very uplifting and the character of the person really came across as his life was celebrated. I wish his family well for their first Xmas without their son, husband, father.

(OK Jan, I have to admit I am on my third pint, well you can't go to a wake and not have a drink.)

I'm looking forward to Xmas day, in the afternoon I will be at my SIL, she has 2 young children and so it will be full on. My plan is to eat, drink and be merry (merry spelt pissed) and make a complete arse of myself playing Wi games and getting beat by the kids!

It has been great to read a lot of good news recently, and I hope it continues for everyone!

Tight Lines

Tim xxx

Cheers Tim, chink, chink,

I'm being very sophisticated tonight, well it is Christmas so we've got the posh stuff out.  Baileys for me YES EVERYONE I DO LIKE A BAILEYS but by the wine glass ofcourse haha.  I' not alchy honest, actually really honest.

Oh it is good to get normal serice resumed on here isn't it.  Well done Tims baggy and carry on behaving yourself. 

LM you've made me laugh morning and evening now so well done thanks.  Goona have to try those party games and i'm quite intruiged about the silver spoon.  Does it have to be real silver 'cos i don't think we have one of those??

Have I missed a new titile for warped along the way 'cos i just click on my favourites and haven't noticed it's different?

Cheers each and everyone of you warpies, merry merry Christmas whatever you get up to.  Oooh I'm at the farm tomorrow to collect my 7kg turkey, 4kg ham and 3kg 3 bird banquet roll.  Remember i was going to entertain 14, well i'm now down to 3.  Me, Dunc and mum.  Anyone for meat???  Not you Hils ofcourse.

Take care

Jan xxx

LM as perhaps no one wants to admit to trying it or being daft enough I gave it a go cause I am daft like that.

Got out the family silver well a fork from Matalan and tied the string and was just about to clonk it against the work top when eldest daughter and friend walked in wouldn't you know it

so there is me with string dangling with a fork hanging off the end and fingers in my ears 

made a long winded reason for what I was doing as daughters have always warned me they will put me in a home if I go completely loopy 

any way gave it a go and it was true it sounds like a bell so got them to try it too just to try to avoid the prospect of spending next year in the local elderly persons home they quite enjoyed it

may have trouble with some of the tasks as everyone knows I have the biggest potty mouth no wonder I spend so much time on naughty step and at the moderators 

Hope next year a good one for everyone 

God Jul Stor Kram 

Merry Christmas to all

Big Hugs to all

Cruton xxxxxxx

ps cause has to be one been having a go at Hils quiz with moderate success there are no answers so can't cheat  not that I would

Cruton,

we are 2 of a kind... I'm doing the quiz too and annoyng you can't cheat hahaaa.

I'm so so glad you liked the fork thing! See, I wasn't just making you look like an idiot eh? It also made me laugh your account of doing it in the kitchen! Thanks for that! :) The bigger the thing the better the noise... and they are all different so play with the cutlery drawer...

 The rest of you, now cruton has done it, there is no excuse!! its also a good thing to do when you've got people round that you don't really want to talk to as you can line them up with bits of string and you can sit down with a drink while they stand looking like idiots with fingers in their ears!

and I have been reliably told by Max that it works with non silver items Jan, as long as its all metal i.e. no plastic handles on or anything. Try with a fish slice or something if you have one.

I have a silver ladle that sounds like big ben! have to confess to coming from quite a posh family from Sweden and P's family were really posh so we inherited silver cutlery and monogramed crystal glasses etc... we couldn't afford to buy our own so we use it. haha.

I MUST wrap presents... keep putting it off.

God Jul (Swedish Christmas greetings) and love to you all.

Little My xxxxxxxxxx

ps poo. well, had to get it in somewhere... x

Yes, it does sound quite bell like, but if you pull the string tight and pluck it with a finger, you can play a tune by varying how tightly you pull on the string! Of course you only have one finger in your ear then!

Glad you avoided the visit to the "retirement" home cruton. I agree about some of LM's missions, I'm trying to avoid a trip to the "memory " Clinic, but that spoon thing will get them going!

Merry Christmas everyone, Nadolig Llawen to the Welsh crew, God Jul to anybody who's Swedish,

Odin xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx