For those with a warped sense of humour WARNING- no punches pulled here

LM, when I’m lying there drinking coffee and listening to Chopin, I am actually working very hard!

It is not procrastination such as some people do, not mentioning any names but their initials are LM.

You see, my cunning plan is to play 60 minutes of music, which leaves only 30 minutes to talk, and let’s face it, people have come to hear the music and not me spouting.

I have now chosen the music so I have “written” two thirds of my talk.

I love cake especially with lots of currants in. Of course the currants must have been soaked in Brandy first.

Is this Neville Hall that you and Ems are going to disrupt.

A new computer? We can’t keep up with you now let alone when you get a new super high speed computer.

Hi Clairabella, Great news that you are expecting a niece in january.

May I suggest a more appropriate song is the one which goes:

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider, which wiggled and wriggled and tickled inside her.

Good luck for sis!

Cruton have you seen my boots? They’ve disappeared again.

Louise, my sympathy having to see a health trainer, it’s worse than seeing LM’s head teacher. Excuse me I have to sit down after that

Can’t help with the dresses Chrissie, all of mine have gone to the cleaners. Glad to hear you put the coats on the dogs, we can’t have nude dogs walking about the place.

 Have run out of spoons now so Goodnight,

Love hugs and cwtches,

Odin xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chrisie, this diet seems to be strange in that on weeks when I've been good I don't lose/ or I maintain, and weeks when I break every trick in the book I've lost. I saw a health trainer after becoming concerned that my weight was going up, and I was given free vouchers for Slimming World for 12weeks, and I'm not being very rigid. One thing that I found was cereals and bread were probably my downfall, as I like seeded bread and meusli/ fruit mix.

Frederic/Colin, if I was attending the talk I would be happy listening to Chopin's music, interspersed with title, when written, and perhaps whose interpretation. Let his music speak for you :-)

A man goes to see the doctor with a strawberry stuck up his bum.  "I'll give you some cream for that"

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

Had to throw in a bit of WARPEDNESS

CATCH! Hope you all caught some spoons

Louise xxxx

Evening All,

I have a new cunning plan at work. My hut of balloons which doesn't sound so much fun now balloons have new meanings... well, anyway it got electricity OOOOOOWWWWW! Sorry, can doing that kneeding thing they do on me and baggy while typing. Baggy is a bit mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Oh stop it! get off the keyboard and ssssssssssssssss Bloody cat. I thought we had come to an arrangement on the chair? sit down. There.

TRight, sorry about that. Cat now settled.

So, school and spoons. I have to go in every day this week. My new cunning plan has been to put a camp bed (and not that sort of camp) in there and sneak in for a lie down if I get a lesson off. Did it on Tuesday, and yesterday was good. Did it again today and managed a long afternoon and a meeting :)  It finally got rigged up for data this evening too so as from tomorrow, I finally have my office so I can even come on here sometimes too hehe. Of course, I get my office, just as I have asked my boss to drop some of the work I get the office to do it in hahaaaaaahaaaa. Never mind. I might keep it anyway.

Arsehole wanker who has 'issues' I said to him today I hear you want to talk to me about something. Shall we book at time and can I ask what it is about? Ooooh so coool. Are you proud?? Anyway, we are going to talk on Monday after school. It is about 'trust' (as in he doesn't trust me) haha who does? He doesn't trust management at our school I know so I guess it is a compliment that he takes me seriously to bother to not trust me. anyway, I shall try to remain cool as a cucumber and not rant and get cross cos lets face it, once you become aquainted with Mr Cancer and his mates arsehole colleauges are a walk in the park (or a thwack round the head with a door that fell of its hinges) If you hear of a story in the newspapers about a man murdered with a balloon and a colostomy bag, you don't know me ok? :)

Anyway, I am so excited to get my office, I am almost tempted to stay at work tomorrow after 11am just to go and sit in there and play at doing stuff ha haaa cos you don't actually expect me to work in there do you???? he he. Ooooh now I need cushions and a blanket and curtains and and... oh wait, better put a desk in somewhere in case someone looks in...

Saturday is our school christmas fair so got to go and look jolly. I may sneak off to pc world and loook at shiny things for a bit of it he he he...

Sunday, a friend has offered to take me to her Health club to try out the facilities as she can get me a cheap membership if I want... nice pool, no kids, sauna, hot tubs, hot stones to lie on, gyms... cafe etc so so many places I could shit myself in hahahaaa. Could be lovely though. Might be too tired to work next week and I have to go and visit ems too.... :) How cool is it that of all the places in the country, some of us are close enough to meet up for real!! Actually Odin is very close to me as is Tim too... oooh we must have a get together sometime.

Odin, I don't like dried fruit, I hate currants. I loathe raisins and I have a phobia about sultanas... the squidgier the more scary. So combined with my dislike of cake, English Chirstmas fayre is not my taste... euch.

Yes, its Neville Hall for ems and me (unless I can wangle a trip to this new fancy hospital with ensuite single rooms etc)

I cna't remember what anyone else said, except stinker did a joke about bums and strawberries which made me snigger....

Cwtches and spoons and bug hugs and stor kram and whatever else you want.

Here is a puzzle for you.... baggy is constipated .... Sunday best bum has diarrhoea. eh? what?

Little My xxx

Helloooooooooooo!

Ok Colin, what talks involve not talking?? What have I missed as I slept haha!

Yep, Nevill (without an e at the end for some reason) Hall it is, \Sunday to Saturday.

Lou - LOVED the jokes hahahaha!!

LM - yay for offices with beds in and electricity and MAYBE working in them! As for shitty conundrums, I have no fucking idea?!

I am going to have to stay up ten minutes more to tell you about my day out at the day hospice!!

So I am off to blog!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi all

LM sounds like a great office wish I had done that when I had an office The sun has got his hat on hip hip hip hooray 

hope that's far enough for next bit

and had balloons and bags of shit to beat senior managers to death with.

.At the moment a much hated temp manager is sitting in my chair and staff are getting up a petition for me to come back but I don't want them to as I am going to take early retirement at the end of December so hope no one signs it.

Lou enjoyed jokes 

Dresses that don't fit tell me about it.I came out of hospital 1 and a 1/2 stones lighter than when I went in but it all crept back on must be something they put in the cake that did it but can't think what.

Oh LM you asked did I get shiny things from NY yes I did.

I got gold Christmas baubles not real gold or I would be down cash for gold so fast.

Anyway I know they are not troll beads but whenever I or family or friends go away at around Xmas time and they ask what I would like I always ask for a gold bauble for my tree.I now have quite a collection got a posh one from Harrods last year.

When I put my tree up( reluctantly as I hate the you will be jolly even if you don't want to be brigade)

I enjoy putting the baubles that people bought me on the tree -- lots of memories even bad ones like they went NY and I didn't (sorry I am over it well almost.)

Some were given to me by people who are no longer here and I have 2 very old and not very pretty ones that my mum used to put on the tree when we were children.

As I am of the Bah Humbug brigade rather than the HO HO HO my tree is one thing I like about the whole Xmas thing

Must add 2 friends taking me to chocolate heaven next week for lunch and some serious xmas chockie shopping Slatteries in Manchester yummmy.

5 other friends 4 of who went to NY sorry to keep mentioning NY every time I mention it I feel like Hils Mr Crab Pin Cushion stab stab said they will take me out for xmas shopping and posh lunch my get over it friend who did not go NY said he feels no guilt and therefore why should he pay for posh lunch he told me I can Fuck Off and he will take me Macdonalds for a Happy Meal and that way I get a present at the same time.

Big Hugs to all

Cruton xxx

Oooh my head hurts trying to catch up on warped....

Chrisie needs a dress to wear, the one she has was a bit small, Kylie Minogue size?

Stuart has made some fudge, so I asume he is now fudge packing (in the nicest possible way!)

Lesley went to A&E and they couldn't find what the problem was but she's better now. A&E does that stand for Anything and Everything?

Odin has been listening to Chopin, and writing and keeps losing his boots.

Louise has been walking, so we think she has Odins boots. Plus she is on a diet what works when she eats, but not when she doesn't? She showed her face for a while, but now is back in hiding.

Clairedeloon is going to be an Auntie (or is that again) and she has a dog named after a fish or a submarine captain.

Cruton has been talking out of her arse, sorry, talking about arses (I liked that ditty Cruton). Also decorating the Xmas tree. I used to have an old fairy I put on the tree since I was a child, but he doesn't like it anymore.

LM has been lying down on the job quite a lot . Yes we know you don't like cake!!!! Battenberg, victoria sponge, fruitcake, yum yum!

Jan has been very busy and not about much :-(

Ems has been sleeping and so I think has Hilary who was very complimentary about my age. Nice to see you to see you nice!

As for me, well I've no more idea than the man in the moon when I will know the results of my CT scan. There is no outpatients appointment booked for me so I guess I give them a ring next week? Also no idea when I will have my reversal op! Oh when I was in the hospital waiting room I got talking to someone who it turned out knew a person I used to work with, small world as they say.

I spent most of this week on various training courses, played football (no injuries this week) and polished my pole ready for fishing. Youngest daughter is off on a guiding weekend tomorrow and I have to take her and a friend to, well, the middle of nowhere!

Putting up the Xmas decorations Saturday and going fishing Sunday (shocked aren't you?).

Busy week next week, off to Straford on Avon for business and a night away. Plus some stuff for the ball. I saw LM that you've got an excuse not to go, hmmmmm. Well it is all on for the 11th Feb the Valentines ball in Bristol. Tickets £35 each remember.

Weekend nearly here, hooray!

Tight Lines

Tim xxx

Hi Warped friends :)

yes Tim I'm going to be an aunt for the first time! My sis has just asked me to ask the baby to stop kicking her - I've texting back asking her to ask the baby to stop kicking her - not sure how that's going to work seeing as she's like 50 miles away!!

We have been having a debate at work today about self help books. What do you all make of them?  My friend Ellie (who incidentally is the one with the dog named after the fish) has just been on holiday and whilst away she has read a book called 'the secret' - this is the link for the book on amazon - not sure if this will post? http://www.amazon.co.uk/Secret-Rhonda-Byrne/dp/1847370292/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1322835656&sr=8-1 and this is the wiki page my colleague Claire found http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Secret_(book)

Ellie reckons that since coming back from holiday her life has changed for the better. she's apparently more positive and has told me that I have to buy this book too! I didn't realise that I needed help!!

So what do you all think of these sorts of books??

Clair xxx

Clair, I think perhaps your friend just had a good holiday ;) We all need help but I've never been convinced of all these books. I mean, if they work, why are there so many of them?

Tim, no fudge yet, so no packing. Might make it on Sunday if I can get through enough housework and have some energy left at the end of it all.

LM, good to hear about the office and wait for the next instalment regarding the twonk at work :)

Hugs to the above and to everyone else too. Thank Gawd it's Friday! I may not enjoy the weekends as much as I used to but I could sure do with the rest.

Stuart

Hi you lot....

Well, this week I have been to school every day! WOW!  My new cunning plan (which my boss approves of luckily) is to put a camp bed in my office and have a rest during the day rather than working flat out and then going home exhausted and being spoonless on my days off... it seems to be working quite well... so not had a big headache since Tuesday.

I love my new office so so much :) I wish you could all come round and squash in - I would even buy cake for you cake munchers...

This is what one looks like.... How cool is that????/

OK, now we are far enough down, Self help books? Bollocks. THe lot of them. ...

Meeting twoker on Monday. I am planning my response.. mwa ha haaaa. He is going to tell me something along the lines of ... he doesn't trust me as 'management' and that I side with them against him... as he has a 'them and us' thing going... I thought I would say, sorry to hear that, but I only see an 'us' and I am on the side of the children and the school, and there is no other side... we are all one working together for the good of children are we not?

Or words to that effect... did you know i could be so simperingly vomit inducing?

Will let you know what happens. He will shout at me. i will sit and listen and go home cos I don't give a fuck to be honest...

Have to get poo in somewhere... (don't read while eating your dinner)

I have really bad constipation at the moment (except for sunday best bum who is still merrily shitting himself away... why is my bum male I wonder... ) anyway, my stoma is being wedged open by hard poo lumps so my sausages can't come out ha ha!! So I carried a box to my new office today and no sausage action .. silver lining and all that.... :D

It is our school christmas fair tomorrow. Got to go and show my face and smile at parents and billions of headtilters I expect cos they will all be there and i can't escape. (my class are the waiters at the cafe so I have to be there to cheer them on.) Usually I dress up and help all day, but this year, i will be sitting around cheering from the sidelines... loads and loads and loads of cake if any of you want to come...

I can't remember what any of you said. Sorry. oooh really? wow, awww boo.. good luck (that should cover it)

 Now, I need to think of a new title cos ems is a very naughty girl!!! Sorry, it was really lame.. been a long week x

Huge cwtches to you all and hope the weekend is pain free and full of spoons for all...

Little My xxx

Aww, LM, you can loiter within tent. Even if it is an invisible one.

That is a very wise and mature response to your foolish colleague. I knew you had it in you! I just didn't know where.

Headtilts: somewhere behind all the poo, I expect, possibly under a sossidge or something.

Which reminds me, veggie sossidge for dinner tonight - it doesn't matter if I can't taste it, they don't taste of owt much to begin with - so now I am even more thrilled.

If self-help books worked, there would only ever have been one of them. Stands to reason.

I forgot to take notes. *waves*

Judy went even abover-and-beyonder today and clipped my hair, which is mostly bald but trying to grow in wisps so that I look like Purple Ronnie. As I'm much the same shape, it wasn't a good look.

Have I anything else to say? Lots, but it's mostly whining about how I'm too tired to type, so that would be counterproductive.

xxx