For those with a warped sense of humour WARNING- no punches pulled here

Hi Clairy *waves* :))

Hey LM , tis me :)

Maybe P needs to add to his househusband duties, as others do, p/t work, yes, this may be a good plan coz then it's shared and less pressure even if you think you don't have any :) I dunno, but I like his offer :)

Oh my lovely and fabulous loon, I can't imagine - well, I can actually, so do you want some multi-toned brown sheets or plain? And a bookshelf put next to the loo. And a rocket up the arse of that wanker colleague :)

I love ya lots, and hope you get some good sleep. Then wake up and but more shiny things! :))

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Too late clairdeloon/caramel, I only came in looking for directions (yes, I'm not like the stereotypical man I will admit when I'm lost) and I've been here ever since; feels a bit Hotel California but with more spoons and less guitars ;)

LM - why not twat him with the pieces of door? Must be enough left of it to teach the pencil-necked moron a lesson :) Ebay is the place for brown sheets I'm sure (they seem to have everything else after all.

I got to watch crap tv, well the football anyway but had the laptop on the go all night too (not on my lap though, that's the preserve of the moggie rotation; one lap and 4 cats can be problematic). More crap tv tonight (football again) but it's a distraction and creates some noise in the house.

Back to baking at the weekend though :D Flapjacks were a success, cake was ok but disagreed with me (kept telling me I'd not taken the right turning) and now I'm on to making some fudge (of the sweet variety, so no confusion ;) ) 

Hugs to all, Stuart

Hello everybody! Welcome to Claire.

I got carted into A&E yesterday afternoon with massive chest pains! I did manage to get out at 10pm with loads of tests done and stuff, and I'm ok and they aren't sure what it was, but I managed to see my chest x-ray and I reckon the tumours have grown so I don't need to wait for my scan results to tell me that, cloud, silver-lining and all that!

Anyway - LM - brown sheets Dunelm probably, love the Titanic pic.

Jan - I stayed at my Mum's last night because husband works out overnight on Tuesdays, and I just put my boots and coat on over my pj's to come home! Mind you it's only 10 doors away.

Tim - love the idea of the butt plug and boil in the bag for LM's work colleague.

Odin- what are cwtches? I've been meaning to ask fo ages, Welsh hugs?

Chrisie - I had to buy a dress for a glam wedding. I don't really do Glam. It's says it's a size 18 and I'm roughly a 14, but you are welcome to it if you want it?

Hi Em and Stuart, I think that includes everybody? I made quick notes.

Just a quick look in whilst listening to Chopin for my talk.

Ems, practical as usual! I like the suggestion to launch that colleague into space, but do it after twatting him with the bits of door.

Boil in the bag hahaha hot I trust? If we are using the rocket we can dispense with the butt plug.

You have to admit this site is better than sticking pins in dolls for dealing with people who cause us trouble.

Lesley, what a bummer being carted off to A&E, but glad they gave you a thorough checkup.

Sounds like you can do with a welsh cwtch. That's sort of like a hug, but it's one of those extra warm hugs that puts the world to rights and makes you feel secure and loved. I suppose it acts like the reset button on your computer when everything goes wrong but much nicer.

LM, Try and get two-tone brown sheets with a pattern like you see on black and white cows. That should be a good camouflage for any accidents.

Well, suppose I ought to get on with the work,

Best welsh cwtches for all and spoons for anyone who needs them.

Odin xxxxxxxx

HI all

Hi Little My yes my sis is expecting a baby

Am definitely bored at work, just had a very lunch break to go walk my friend Ellie’s dog Nemo with her. I’m not quite sure why she’s called him Nemo, I’m pretty sure she knows he’s not a fish! Jan, we didn’t go in our PJs but I might suggest that next time

I will definitely steal lots of spoons, they have plenty, and I’m sure other people do it to you know. They have them hidden in their drawers!!!!!!!!!

Little My don’t say sorry about that being the first response to me, you rant away. PS You can probably buy brown sheets on ebay (I think someone said that already, but I’ve lost track a little as there are so many people) or maybe amazon???

Jan – that’s brilliant about your scan!!! :):D

Thanks for the welcome Tim and Lesley K and Hi Ems *waves back*

Stuart – what kind of cake did you make?? I like the sound of flapjacks, my hubby loves them so may have to do some at the weekend. We had an awful attempt at making gingerbread men at the weekend, which he is actually eating and he keeps calling them flapjacks, I’m not sure if he is confused or hinting that he actually wants flapjacks. Oh and are you supposed to call them flapjack or flapjacks? Cos he says "Lets make flapjack" whereas I say "Lets make flapjacks" cos surely we're making more than one otherwise it would be just one very big flapjack. Ok I never thought I could ramble so much about flapjack/s (and I nearly wrote flapkacks, I don't know what those are)

On that note.........................

Clair xxxx

PPS Thanks Lesley K and Odin, I’ve been wondering what cwtches were as well!!!

Hello and a BIG WELCOME Clairdeloony sorry Iam a bit late with the welcome so much to catch up on.

Stuart I like the idea of Hotel California I thought I had strayed into The Shinning what with all the broken doors and splinters everywhere.

LM hope you are up to neck in spoons and Hilary too.That door has sure come in handy and if you are going to thwack work colleague with it we could steal Odins boots again and I could use them to stomp on him whilst you twat him.(er work colleague not Odin)

Lesley phew no more of that chest pain giving everyone a scare stay well 

Ems hope you feeling better good luck for hospital and with secret missions and possible flying visit from LM 

Jan next time I do covert dog walking may do it in my jim jams

Tim keep your hands off LMs invincibles  one thing to peg them out but another to use them as a keep net

Odin get that list done you may need to ask Santa for another pair of boots as you keep losing the ones you have got 

HUGS and ALL GOOD THINGS TO EVERYONE

Cruton xxx

ps friends had great time in New York but didn't chose best time to go as was Thanksgiving and Black Friday told them while they were away I had Blue Monday Tuesday Wed ----- you get the picture Nice to have them all back even if I have to walk every step they took in NY and look at all the photos talk about salt and wounds OUCH

pps friend sent me this 

Life is about arses

you are either covering it

laughing it off

kicking it

kissing it

busting it

trying to get a piece of it

or behaving like one

Good evening warpees...

I am being clever and typing on a doc so I can have a look at what you have all been blabbing on about while I was getting cross at work and doing that other thing we won’t mention so near to the top of the line...

Odin, have you written your talk yet? Honestly, some people.. talk about procrastination! I would never do anything like that...I would sit right down and do it straight away...  she says ducking from the clobbering from the serpent’s tail..

Now as you may know, I don’t like cake. I know that seems odd to some of you, but that’s the way it is. I am a savoury girl.

You lot are obsessed by cake.

Quite a few of you are going to what my mate Simon calls Fat Club (he goes)

Just saying....

Ducking from the swipes and thumps again hehe.It was Tim what said it honest guv...

Simon’s trick is to stuff himself the week before he starts so he puts on weight and to wear loads of clothes etc so the next week he goes, he gets slimmer of the week award. I have told him he’s stupid for various reasons but... you might like it.

Cancer is shitty enough (and literally shitty in some cases) so I think you should all eat cake or whatever makes you happy and sod how much you weigh... ok?

Chrisie, I’ll have your size 10 dress.... I seem to be the odd one out with you lot as did the wasting away waif look. Put some back on now so don’t look like a wide eyed orphan but could still fit into your dress.Got to be some perks to it all eh?  Hope you find out soon  about your son.

Hey ems, I am looking forward to mission 2 or re-mission HA HAHAAHAHA. Especially as you have an ensuite hehe.  I stocked up on pads again so think the swirly brown sheets could wait a while... I love you lots too and think I might get a new computer or some gadget or other on Saturday oooh shiny things- always cheer me up and my computer is freezing and stopping all the time... cheap excuse I know but this month may be the only one where i have spare money... :)  

Who’s next?

Oh bighugbigfub  I like your Hotel California thing  Imagine if my colleagues ever got on here and read all this? I think I would have the spoon problem solved overnight i.e. out of a job. Don’t watch football. Really. Its bad for you. One moggie is still reluctant to sit on me after the 'tail in the door' incident, but the other one and I have come to an arrangement with cuddling next to me on the chair and not on the laptop. He does send emails sometimes stomping on the keyboard though. P gets a bit huffy if I am on the computer when sitting with him in the eve... if I was on my own, I would have it on all the time too... Big bighug to you bigfub and good luck with the baking... I know Hilary appreciates it!

Speaking of people on their own, are you out there Sue? How are you doing? Still working??? Huge hugs to you cos you need them.

Lesley, what are you doing going off to A and E like that??? Eeeek. Hope you are ok now. (well, ok as any of us are ) When do you get your scan results? Are you due more treatment or ??? Take care of yourself eh?

Clairyloony, Hilary and I sing about poo most of the time and most of the songs are poo related so probably not what she wants. How about the great classic

“Move your bleedin foot off my ribs” by the mammas and mammas.

Now there is a question.... I would make flapjacks but say do you want a flapjack? If you made one huge one, would you be  making flapjack? I think you need the word ‘a’ in there for it to work.

Scratch n sniff cruton, what bastards your mates are. I hope you burst into tears on them so they felt bad and gave you shiny things? Did they bring you shiny things back? Eh? Cos if they didn’t, they can join the queue for things I am going to hit with my door... I think there is something missing from your arse list for me.... J

Anyway, i have not arranged a meeting with the poor man you lot want to do unspeakable things to, guess I have to do it tomorrow... just can’t be arsed to be honest. I think I will sit there and listen and say OK when he’s finished and then go home. Good plan? Ha ha.

This week is the first week i have to go in to work every day. Today and Friday I get to finish at 11 am though. Today I came home, and went for a swim (lots of panic about bums cos no babies in there today but think i got away with it phew) and came home and did a bit of marking which I am normally too tired to do. I don’t have a headache hoorah and have not taken any pain killers today. Tomorrow is a long day and I don’t hold out too much hope for getting away headache free but we’ll see. I am still leaking at night but never mind. We’ll see what SC the colorectal surgeon and incontinence expert has to say after Christmas...  All I want for Christmas is my two bums fixed, my two.. la lah lah laaa

Odin, have you written your talk yet?

That’s everyone above answered.

Hilary, you are fab.  

Tim, if you won cos you were pegged out next to my invincible peg, don’t I deserve a share of your winnings? When do you get your results btw? Any news on the op??

Hi Stinker and Jan and mumsy and anyone else who I missed... head getting a bit fuzzy so going to stop now.

Cwtches to you all and I thought i had better ship Bernard the St Bernard over from blogland to supply you with reviving brandy cos that was a bit long... glug away.

Little My xxx

Ps, well you expect one, don’t you... we have gone down to 19 from 20 followers. We bored someone away hahahahaaaaa x I still can’t believe there are people out there who read all this twaddle apart from us.

Hi all

Lesley Found even the white drink hard going, though I've never been one for drinking pints. Fingers crossed for 15th. There has to be a least one pain in the bum wherever you work, or go to relax, or in hospital. Just seen your comment re visit to A&E. Take care, and as I said to Ems way back, they have Plan A B C D E.........I'm proof of that, so keep that in mind

Clairlybel Welcome to the home of loonyness, and glad you have come out of the closet! Guess you will take that in spirit intended as you have been directed here by the Queen Bee! When is your sister due? My daughter says that her baby has moved limbs away from ribs at last. Her baby loves machinery and guitar music, also 70s/80s rock. If they are here, and LB starts getting lively I just place my hands on R's belly and say Granny's here, and LB is calm again :-)

LM Talking babies, R is due in early January. She went with her hubby on the march in Brum today....LB has already been on a couple of protest marches. They went to get maternity bras, pads, etc, which amazed J as he had no idea about these things. I'd also said that even though the other grandparents have been and bought EVERYTHING, they should go and choose baby's first outfit, which they did! Red and white striped top and red dungarees. I'm delighting in supplying the music and books, and have got a lovely big furry caterpillar to go with The Hungry Caterpillar book!

I am not surprised at P not understanding that you aren't back to full speed yet, but I'm surprised at the medical team. Each cancer is different, and each person's reaction is too. When I told my Dr M that I was frustrated that I was still getting breathless back in May he told me that it was still early days. It can take a couple of years, and teaching is exhausting even when you are young and fit! Good for you admitting that you are struggling, and asking for help. Your health and wellbeing is most important, and you need to have time to go and play.......Ems is knocking on the door asking if you can come and play! Also note comment made to Lesley. Had to tell youngest that yesterday when he said that there had been a problem with one of his co-workers!

Brown sheets used to be fashionable in the late 70s, because somebody bought me duvet set and brown sheets as a wedding present. Ha ha! Just spotted the Syncing of the Titanic!

Jan Yeah to a clear scan!!!!!!! What a relief to have some good news. Glug! Glug! Glug! Just poured a glass of very nice red to join you as its not a good idea to drink alone. Mmmmmmm! Bottoms up! Wish I could get away with a PJ day, but as I probably said before, when i was home my teenage son would get stressed if I was in PJs when he got home from school, so only PJ days were in hospital! Jan, off for a quickie AGAIN! You are insatiable. Give Dunc a hug from me....and you certainly necked that vino quick!

Tim and Odin Hi you brave gents. You provide the voice of insanity, and having experience of the poo, shit, baggy thingie that I haven't LM needs you big time at the moment. Perhaps Tim does need to return the invincibles......although there has not been much talk of sausages today. Odin, who are you doing a talk on Chopin for? My favourites are Vivaldi and Brahms, and they are getting much coverage on Arts 2 , which Virgin seem to have given us access to recently

Chrisie I suggest you slit the seams on the dress and get large safety pins to hold it together....If its good enough for Ms Hurley........ You may have noticed that I have lost half a stone in 10 weeks, 2lbs this week when I have broken every rule, eaten Scotch Eggs (Handmade Scotch Egg Co -yum), chorizo, chocolate, cheese, drunk whiskies, cointreau, vino,olives, venison sausages.........

Stuart Yum to flapjacks and fudge :-)

Cruton Hi, and what kind of friends would make you walk the walk! Serves 'em right getting caught in Thanksgiving and Black Friday. ....yet another Americanism trying to make its way over here! NO! NO! NO! I did love the Arse Poem :-)

THE ROOM.......I have spent 2 hours catching up tonight, and it took over a week to get out of the room (It was easier getting around the Labriynth in Knossos).....so please feel free to rant on here, otherwise I am going to miss out

You can have all my spoons, just don't fight over them

Off to Lichfield with hubby tomorrow.......

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Bally heck! I spend TWO HOURS doing the above, then LM has snuck in through the back passage....shouldn't be allowed! You will have seen how I got by at fat club. What is worrying is that I have to see Health Trainer on 20th and to have lost 9lbs since I frist saw her, then I have my 6month check and my doc will say why have you been losing weight???

Thanks for the offer Lesley but to big for size 14, and safety pins not a look for an old dear, am so cross ablout it as it looked great but there you go, and anyone who want a 10 can have it, will trapse the charity shops again tomorrow, in desperation.

What is it with the NHS son had a mole removed yesterday that doc noticed on his neck, do they like taking bits off some folk, still no news on finger, he said he called again today but think he just said it to shut mummy up.

You are doing well with the weight loss stinker, send me your diet, may well get into dress.

How is son LM, still in Devon as it really is wet and windy down here hope he has a waterproof, my dogs would not go for their walk this morning looked at me as if silly moo we aint going out in that and I had put their coats on.

Grandaughter 15 this week and wanted beads for her pandora bracelet, saw the troll ones in shop, wow Tim you have to do some more fishing to buy lots of those beads. They are pretty though.

Bear hugs to all xx