Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Pammie - thank you so much.

This is a good thread - thank you for creating it. How much grief there is in this world.

I am two years out now - it's true, it does get easier. Not better, but definitely easier. But it still hits like a sledgehammer sometimes.

My kindest thoughts and wishes to all forced to be here....

Julie

Hi guys

Daffie, I know it's hard and you probably want to tell these people to mind there own business, so my remedy for this is not to say anthing, unless you want to.  Your probably feeling angry too and that's fine because you should be angry. 

But believe me it will get easier the hardest time is getting used to do things in a different way and not having that person to rely on telling you "it's a good idea, or "Its rubbish", and all the people you thought were your friends still are, but your get some that just turn up and help you, people that you wouldn't have even thought of.

I used to cry every Sunday at  9:05am as the months have passed I find I still cry on a Sunday but the times getting later, and some Sunday's I don't cry at all. 

All I can say is that everyone at one time or another is going to know how we are feeling, we're just feeling earlier.

When my husband died I did stare in to space for a little and went a bit loopy and couldn't go to work and would just cry, and cry and cry all day by myself, but then that didn't solve anything.  That's why I created this page as I wanted people to know how I felt and give me comfort and thats what's happened.  There is people who lost their partners years ago and they are able to tell you how you may feel in years to come. 

But it's not just about that it's suppose to be a bit of a motivational tool, to help you realise that there is a huge world out there and we are living in it and you can only cry so much.

The pain don't go, the thoughts don't go, what you've seen don't go, what your feeling don't go but time is a great healer and how you deal with it makes all the difference.

Ash xx 

Some wise words Ash xx

Pammie xx

My husband died on 13th August, 2010 so I am one of the very sad ladies who is now going to write on here. It is so helpful to read all your comments about your feelings.  I think I was a bit shell shocked after Ken died, I didn't really cry for him as I do now.  I now know that it is fact it is true Ken will never be with me again in this house, not in body anyway, he is here with me all the time, his photos, all the lovely things he did to our home,  I just keep thinking how can someone so full of love and who loved living so much not be here any more.  I scream out sometimes for him to come back to me.  I know there is no point, I will never see him as he was ever again.  Sorry to go on but I am so tired so fed up, so lonely and so depressed and can't believe that I have been here almost 6 months without Ken, I miss his love so much, his kiss godnight, I miss him so much.  I can't bear the thought of the future and yet I know I have to go on each day.  I have to go now it is so late.

My heart goes out to all of you who feel as I do.  Love and peace if possible to you all. xxxxxxxxxx

hi. i'm kathleen. i lost my husband steve 6/1210 8wks after being diagnosed gullet and liver cancer. i have three girls at home 12.12.17 the last few days i have cried non-stop(not in front of kids) i feeel i have hit the bottom i look like i have aged ten years. part of me is saying 'what the hell happend'  i keep expecting steve to walk through the door or ring me.it is scary to know he won't be part of the future. i have to think about going back to work at the end of the month, have been off since november looking after steve. work is the last thing on my mind!! i'm thinking about having counselling? i don't have anyone to talk to .don't want to burden the kids, i have  pictures all over the house. waiting for his headstone to be put down. go to the grave at least twice a week. i'm trying to keep his memory alive(maybe too hard at times) but it helps me to get through each day.

 Hi Janken

The people that you love make you stronger whether they are alive or not, its unthinkable that someone you love so much has suddenly gone, it’s almost like being invaded this nasty disease has taken the person you hold most dearly and taken him away.   But now think about that precious person, what would he have done?  what would he have said to you? So in one way he hasn’t gone his always a part of you and always will be, his the person in your head saying “don’t buy that it’s to expensive”.  After so many years together you start picking up his little habbits and they become yours, so his not gone, you just cant see him.

It sounds to me like you need to start building things in your life again and they can include your husband.

I created a memorial kind of memory wall In my house and on this wall are all pictures of my husband throughout the years with family and friends and all the things he loved, so when people come around to visit him (his in an urn in my glass cabinet), they look at the wall and they smile, they tell me some amazing stories of when he was a kid or the night they got drunk etc and it’s great because they keep him alive for me in my heart, that’s one way in which I’m coping.

You take up a new hobby, something you always wanted to do but didn’t, try and keep your mind occupied, because when you think that’s when it hurts the most.

It hurts the most for me when I hear songs, especially songs that his played for me so that’s my next hurdle, to listen to the songs without crying, trust me that’s tough. 

Hi Kathleen

I’m sorry for your loss, it’s still raw for you my lovely and your doing a great job holding everything together together.  I think you should cry and cry as much as you want and see a counseller ].

Do you remember when you had your girls and the health visitor would have said something like “you have to look after yourself, then you’ll be able to look after your children”.  Well that’s what you’ve got to do visit the counsellor, get your head back on track. 

When my husband died I felt zombie like, the little thing would make me cry and I would scream and cry in my bed alone at night, then one night (this might sound strange) on my husband side I put the pillows long ways as if to make a body and then got his clothes that he wore at the hospital and put them on the pillows, do you know what I fell asleep like a little baby, just having his smell there brought me some comfort.   So do the little things that make you feel good.

Ladies it does get easier, it doesn’t get fixed overnight, you will feel lonely, scared, unsure and un-safe but this will ease with time as you start building your life again bit by bit.

Trust me (I’m not a doctor) I’m a survivor.

Ash xx

Oh and Janken, Kathleen or anyone.

If you want to say how brilliant your husbands are then this is the place to do it.  As my niece would say "why not".

There is no why not, just let out your feelings.  I think it would be nice to hear, how great your husbands were and the things that made you smile, laugh and cry.

Love to ya all  Ash xx

Hi Janken, i lost the love of my life in may09. We too were together 39yrs. This is a lifetime.I Have just had the saddest and lonliest day of my life, R would have been 60yrs on 30th Jan. The date we had planned for him to retire and begin the rest of his life with no more shifts, no-one else deciding what he would do . This was not to be and i now at 55yrs will spend the rest of my life with some wonderful memories and some very lonely days and nights. i too do not sleep well and find myself watching the hours slowly pass. I get strength from the knowledge that R chose me to live his life with . Me he wrapped in his blanket of love. May you find peace in the days to come and grow stronger each day that passes.maggie

hello emtee i have accepted yr message of friendship thank u if u would like another place to chat there is a favebook group for widows over 50 just follow link or let me know if u cannot do it. this is also for anyone who wants to join, its a new group so u will not feel like new kids on the block. hope to see you there,

where are you all from, I am leeds would love some one else to be near me to meet up and have a chat xxx

http://www.facebook.com/#!/home.php?sk=group_132031893527449&ap=1

hi all, i too am sadly a member of this club.. michael died 7 mths ago. i think about him every day and i even speak to him all the time . is that weird?

one of the things i find the hardest is not being able to share the silly, insignificant things with him. why do i feel that i can get through our babys 2nd birthday, in 7wks time but i get upset cos hes not there to tell the piece of gossip that i heard from the lilipop lady or thay some tiles fell of the pub roof in town and they had to close down the whole street, or that creme eggs are in the shops already?!!!  i suppose its the little things that kept us together, those conversations that noone else would be interested in that i really miss.

shari

xx