Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Hazel .... There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, it's very clear from your other posts that you loved your husband very dearly.  Your grief, my grief and everyone else's grief in this sad club we belong to is so very overwhelming and we each have to find our own ways to cope with it.  Work is clearly a thorny one, for some people, going back early, though very hard to do may be the right thing for them, for others it's possibly something they could not contemplate for a long time, and I know people who couldn't return for well over a year.  For me I felt it right to throw myself at work virtually straight away .... it was very difficult in many respects to do and I didn't do full days for the first few weeks.  Looking back now after almost 6 months it was for me the right thing to do.  Even now it's very difficult to find what I do at work particularly important or to motivate myself to actually do the work but the fact that I do go and make an effort to try to do a good job etc.. puts some sort of structure into what remains of my life. 

It's a simple case of if it feels and seems right for you then do it, if it doesn't then don't do it.  If I've learned one rule in being in this club it's that one size does not fit all .... we have to find our own way and if/when we feel guilty of diverting our minds from grieving for a while we shoul n't punish ourselves for doing so .... after all it's just us trying to survive the days/weeks/months.

Take care ...... Trev

Hi everyone

Well tomorrow is the start of the week I have been dreading it would have been my wedding anniversary followed next Sat by Tom's birthday and on the Mon my birthday. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing having 3 firsts all in one week and I do not know how i am going to cope I am not going to celebrate my birthday I have asked everybody not too mention it on the day as I really cannot stand the thought of celebrating it without Tom.

Tomorrow I am going to visit the cemetry with a new plant and am going to sit with Tom for a while then I am goping to take the dogs for a long walk.

Love to everyone

Marianne.xx  

Hi Hazel

We all grieve differently and you have to do what is best for you and what feels right.

My husband passed away 12th August 2010 and due to the disability caused by the tumour, we were unable to run our business so income was zero.

We ended up in benefits and when he passed away, at the age of 50 I was widowed, no income and also un-employed.

As a widow I was only entitled to £58.40 per week and for financial reasons, I had to take the bull by the horns and apply for jobs when all I wanted to do was sit on the sofa and grieve as I didn't want the added stress of trying to get a job when feeling so fragile.

Fortunately, I only applied for two jobs, got two interviews and was offered one of them so I started in January 2011 as a support worker for special needs.

It was a bit difficult at first but 6 months on I am glad that I did it because it is bringing money in so less stress and it also takes my mind of my own situation.

Having said that the grief still comes out every day but I can control it now so grieve on my own and in my own surroundings.

I just go with the feelings whether they last a few seconds or half an hour because by surpressing it all day it comes out at others times.

This is right for me and you will know what is right for you

Take care

Ann x

 

 

Hi Trev

I support special needs - a completely new type of job for me - see my reply to Hazel.

I find that there are lots of demands from the people I support because they are quite self centred and their needs always come before your own.

This helps me to take ny mind off of my own situation.

The bit I cannot always tolerate/deal with is the whinging staff!

The C word really puts life into perspective.

Where I live - which is a really nice place with nice neighbours - but the other evening there was a bit of a dispute about parking - you get it everywhere you live as someone always stakes a claim on a particular spot!  We call him the parking warden!

I just can't be doing with it, if you have a space then just park in it!

They need the C word to deal with aswell.

Rant over

Take care

Ann x

 

 

Hi Helen

We haven't spoken for a while.

The way that I describe how I feel is that I have been through a trauma.  Even nearly a year on since loosing Steve (12th August will be a year) I still can only remember the horrible times which inturn puts me in a horrible place emotionally.

It doesn't happen every day now (the horrible thoughts always seem to happen when I am in bed and wake me up).

Although I still cry every day which is usually triggered off by something sad on the TV or by hearing a song, but these are usually sad tears.

The lady from Cruse bereavement told me that in time, it does get better and the horrible thoughts will lessen but it can take a long time and eventually you will start to rember the happy times.

For me I cannot seem to forget the horrible times because its as if I would be forgetting Steve so it is like a ying and yang.

It also feels that my sadness it getting worse these past couple of weeks and I feel that is because this is the time that I got Steve home from the hospital for the three weeks vefore he passed away on 12th August and I am also coming to that dreadful day.

Coming on here and writing it down is all part of the therapy - talking to people who truly understand.

Take care Helen

Lol Ann x

 

Hi Ann ..... first of all I hope the 12th is no too traumatic for you .... it's bound to be very hard, as all anniversaries tend to be ... especially the first ones. 

Dealing with the devastation of the diagnosis of cancer and everything that comes afterwards is indescribable .... as we all know but to lose your income completely as well.  Well that's just an additional worry you could have well done without I'm sure.  Glad to hear you're finding your new métier interesting.

I fully agree with your analysis of the ridiculous things people moan and whinge about .... it winds me up too, I just try to let it over my head ..... a good dose of what we've had to deal with certainly puts all the pettiness into perspective!

Again, best wishes for the 12th ... take care    Trev

Normal 0 0 1 167 955 獫票楧栮捯洀鉭曮㞱Û뜰⠲쎔딁烊皭〼፥ᙼ䕸忤઱ 7 1 1172 11.1539 0 0 0

Dear All,

The Bereaved Partners Support Group will be holding its next session on Monday 15^th August. The Bereaved Partners Support Group (BPSG) is a support group for people who have lost their partners to cancer. The aim of the group is to create a regular space for people to share experiences and/or network with others who have experienced a similar kind of loss. It will be held at the Vale Community Centre in northwest London from 6:30pm – 8:30pm.

We aim to show people they are not alone in their grief and to support them through their loss. We will have the chance to share experiences over refreshments, and will also be planning some group activities for our members (both in-group activities and day outings) so do feel free to come along and let us know what you would like to do.

If you are bereaved please do feel free to come along. We are here to support you. And please do spread the word to anybody you think may benefit from the group.

Please see our website for details:

www.bereavedpartnerssupportgroup.com

 

Best wishes,

Erin Thompson

erin.thompson@bereavedpartnerssupportgroup.com

07761-466-713

Thanks Trev n Ann, how about that for a coincidence, I also work with Adult Special Needs in a Day Care Centre with Social Services run by the Local Authority. I think you are spot on when you say dealing with their self centred traits does allow a great distraction for us and they can also be very rewarding with their affection towards you. But am feeling a bit out of sorts physically these last 3 days, may have to see doc just to check things out, although had the idea of letting whatever it was see me off if it was something serious. But know thats not what I will do as I wouldn't want my girls to go through that again if they didn't have to. So feeling very low at moment, but will seek help. Ready for a holiday next friday when I can unwind.

Love to you all Hazel xxxxxxxx

 

Hi Erin Hope you are keeping well. I created this group over a year ago to let out my feelings on how I felt when my husband died in the hope that someone would respond, and I was lucky because I wasn't alone I did get a response from people who had experienced first hand all the mixed up emotions that I was feeling, and telling me they were normal and that one day they would ease, I thought I was going mad and that this extreme hurt was never, ever going to go away. Because I was honest on how I felt people came to the forum and gave me their support, experiences, their feelings, worries and emotions and that is what feeds this site, it's become a tool if you like, whereby people can look over a year and see how I and others have coped or managed to get by and survive through one of the hardest things that anyone has to experience. So your support group is good but only to the minority of people that live in the London area, where this forum is open 24/7 for anyone, anywhere in the country and world. I don't mean to be putting your group down but when you've lost someone quite early in life in my opinion the last thing you want to do is go out, you feel safe in your home, environment and near your close friends and family. Because your friends and family don't know what your going through you come on this forum to let out your emotions to a group of people that do, but we don't have faces or voices we just support and give our own experiences. Your group, again in my opinion is great but for people maybe a couple of years down the line who need more of a networking opportunity to meet people like them. Maybe it would be a good idea to set-up a forum on the macmillian community so that people can come to you. Many of people who come on here are working through their grief and are on many different stages so you may not get a huge response Many Thanks Ashley xx

Hello people I want to apologise as my text doesn't seem to write properly at the moment and I've reported it to the admin person. Amy Winehouse - I was so angry when I found out she died. My husband fought really hard to beat his cancer and still died and then Amy just throws her life away at the ripe old age of 27. I really miss my hubby. xx