Cancer Widow/Widower Club

FormerMember over 14 years ago

314 replies
13 subscribers
612122 views

I've decided to create this as it seems that when you lose your life partner, people don't know what to say or family members think they know how you feel. People give me puppy dog eyes and family members feel they need to fill up my time by either visiting me or inviting me to there houses or ringing me to check on how I'm coping.

I feel like i've become part of a club of people that know how I think and feel and it brings me such great relife to talk to strangers that actually have a clue.

I lost my husband 2 half weeks ago and I've felt numb, I haven't cried much and people keep saying I'm strong, Why? I'm not strong I've had 6 months to come to the idea that my husband was so poorly that he was going to die, I cried for two days solid and made excuses to my daughter so not to upset her and each time the chemo didn't work I cried. So I'm not strong I just had a longer time to get my head around the idea that my husband wasn't going to be around for long, I've just got to get on with my life for my sake and my daughters and there is not a day go by that I don't think about my wonderful husband and at night times I cry when nobody is present. I have to go back to work and I can't face it the thought of people saying how sorry they are and giving me sad faces just make me want to be sick and makes me nervous. I'm not one for being the centre of attention and I know this is going to be the case. I find myself through out the day just stopping and staring out of the windows or staring in to space almost like day dreaming but not.

So the widow club is so that you can write down how you feel at that moment. Everything you write someone will probably have felt at some point.

Ash x

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Howdy all Well I survived the first year without my hubby. I went to the hospice hoping to have a connection there but felt Nothing, nothing at all - I thought I would go there be all emotional crying, but I didn't fill anything I felt like a fraud sitting in the hospice with people looking at me as if I was strange, which to them I probably was. So that's when I decided to change the way I was thinking - instead of mourning his death I decided I was going to celebrate his life and got home and cooked one of his favourite meals and had a little bit of bubbly, I felt so much better. I think my problem is that I don't feel that his gone. This is going to sound weird but my daughter was in hospital and I swear I heard him call my name twice, obviously when I turned around he wasn't there. But I did here that in your hour of need your loved ones come to you and that's exactly what I think happened. Anyway I'm doing ok. It's almost like his been gone a life time and that we never spent time together, even though we had been together 17 years - I hate that things are starting to fade, but maybe this is part of the healing process. I remember this amazing man, who made me laugh, cry and feel all kinds of emotions but when I hear how sad everyone else is it makes me feel like I didn't love him enough, but I know I did, especially when I hear songs that he used to play. Anyhoo this is me signing off for a little bit - Surviour 1 year on. Ash xx

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hello Ash

Your post made me cry (nothing new, always crying)

I am glad for you that you found a way of coping on that awful day, probably an an insperation to us all, it is all a rollercoaster of emotions.

My husband died of brain cancer 4 months ago but I seem unable to remember the man he was only the man ravaged by incredibly awful disease.

Love Helen

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Ash and Helen

I can so relate t both of your posts. I lost Gary a week before December last year, now seven months ago.

For long time like you Helen, I could only remember the man ravaged by disease, and not the man he been. Then, just before our daughter's fortieth birthday, I started to see the proud father at her birth. I think that was the turning point. I cann't forget all the pain and suffering he bore so bravely, but I slowly, very slowly coming to think of other happier times.

I do believe that we all cope in our own ways, It is important to find the best for YOU. Even when advice is well meant, no one but those who have suffered such an awful loss can possibley know what we are feeling.

Now, having got through the past seven months with so many tears and sadness at our shattered dreams for the future, I am able to tell myself as each new anniversary comes round, that somehow I do have the strength to cope with all the renewed grief and saddness. The grief doesn't get any less, but as Ash says, it does become easier to celebrate the happy years we had together while mourning for those we have lost.

Thank you Ash for sharing your experience. I wish you both peace and strength for the days ahead.

Daffie xxx

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Helen

My husband Tom also died 4 months ago and I know what you mean I too keep remembering as he was when he died he had lost so much weight and looked so ill he just wasn't my Tom anymore,it is really hard to remember him as he used to be,I have put photos of him all over the house to try and get out of my head the way he was when he died and it is helping. I just hope one day all the bad memories will fade and all I will remember are the good times.

Love Marianne.x

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

I have just reached the 9 month mark yesterday , I have pictures all over the house , found it quite easy to take an old black and white print 2x2.1/2 and they blow up well on the scanner/printer to A4 size, I also bought a slide scanner as we have lots of old slides . Digital cameras make it all so easy but too late for us ,last thing I wanted was a picture in the last 2 years ,one from 52 years ago is a much nicer memory. Bill.

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Guys I have a memory wall of my husband, but not just ordinary photo's, I have the nutty one's where his doing silly faces, or daft dance poses this way I'll remember him for the way he truly was. I'm still paying for his mobile contract which I think I'll have to cancel now because it's expensive to pay for something your not using. I just try to live now, my main concern is my daughter and all the things I thought were so important are just not any more it's almost like I don't care. I hope that, that ends one day and a bit of my old self comes back (well as much that could without my hubby).

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Hazel and everyone. I read all of your posts (havent been on here for a long time) and like everyone I feel exactly the same. The loneliness and the future its so scary. Oh to have a hug and to hold their hands just once more. I went on a a holiday in March on my own (met up with friends in the evening) and it was traumatic and it will be a while before I do that again. I am still going on hols but with family and friends. There are still tears at times when I think I cant cope but I plod on. Dont know for how long but I am doing it for him (he died 8months ago). We were together for 46yrs and he was my greatest friend and my life. I dont know where I am going (he also said that in his last letter) but I want to smile again. Take care and lots of love to you all.Theresa xx

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hello All

I am having a strange time these days. I really have to bump myself back to reality as I really am not believing that Stewart isn't ever coming home and that he's not just at work. I think that I am in denial somehow. I have come to realise that I have been the strong one in our relationship and not him, I know for a fact that he would be a wreck if it was the other way about . Or maybe I have or am going to crack up and the support that I have got from really good friends is whats holding me together. All the official stuff thats keeping me busy is what drives me to a final place of some sanctuary or something? It been only 6 weeks since Stewart died but we were all grieving since the prognosis of the incurable GBM brain tumour back in October 2010.

Holidays soon, looking forward to a new destination and new memories. Still having notion of having a touring caravan to escape of a weekend, but am beginning to wonder if its a knee jerk reaction as have noticed a lot of widow/widowers seem to do this in some form or other. Did any of you fancy getting a caravan?

Well off to bed now, back to work in am, still just phasing in, my work has been marvellous with me, will try full time for the week before hols to see if it works at moment, it helps that I really enjoy my wotk with Special Needs.

Night Love Hazel xxxxxxxxxxxx

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hello Hazel

Good tp hear you again. Six weeks is not long and you have had to be strong for so long for everyone.

My husband died 5 months ago and only started phased return last week. Really hard, have to force myself to go in, my job used to be so important to me.

Hello everyone else.

Holidays sound a bit scary at the moment. I love to travel but dont want to impose on my family. Think it is all a bit to soon.

lovr Helen x

FormerMember over 13 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi there,

Think if i didn't return to work when I did I might not have got the courage to face everyone after such a long absence already. Really felt the need to be back. Does anybody else feel like that, am worried that am not grieving as much as others. Wots wrong with me?

Love Hazel